I agree that the thing you’re arguing against has the challenges that you’re pointing at, in contexts like those. I’m suggesting something different.
What is the “secure response”? One where you try outwardly to retain a certain kind of dignity?
One where you’re not doing the whole “Oh no! Don’t look at the evidence, because if you do you might think I’m bad!” thing—or, more realistically, not doing the “Don’t listen to him he’s lying!”/”No, you’re wrong, I’m innocent!” type thing. Not flinching from the evidence, but rather being present with it and doing something without pushing it away.
There are a lot of different things one could do securely, but here I’m pointing at one in particular which is relevant when people think you’re actually guilty—even if they’re not being particularly fair when accusing you of stealing cookies or whatever.
Let’s go through your hypothetical line by line, giving names for easy reference:
Bob: Wait, you thought that was a rule, not a request to be less messy?
This line as stated is a bit ambiguous. Is the speaker here purely confused and curious, or are they also kinda conveying “Because if so, that’s kinda stupid, right?”?
If it’s the latter, or looks like it might be the latter, then it makes sense that your next line might follow.
Frank: What the hell kind of nitpick is that? Stop arguing stupid semantics! Since when should I even have to ask Your Highness for basic decency?
Frank has clearly communicated that he sees Bob as making an unfair argument, rather than being genuinely curious, and that he feels condescended to and unfairly treated by Bob.
If Bob isn’t driven to defensiveness out of insecurity, and he actually cares about Frank’s point of view here, he might say something like:
Bob: I’m sorry it came off like I was arguing. I don’t mean it that way, and I’m not even disagreeing necessarily. I’m just genuinely confused because the distinction seems really important here, and I would have expected you to agree. Do you not think the distinction matters here? What am I missing?
This response helps to disambiguate the first response, and to show that it really was a sincere attempt to understand Frank’s perspective here.
In contrast, if Bob had said the other line, it would also have helped disambiguate, albeit in a different direction:
Bob: “Do you actually think that messiness is correlated with thievery, even after conditioning on honesty?
In this context, where this line is coming instead of actually addressing Franks concerns, it shows pretty compellingly that Bob doesn’t find Franks perspective worthy of addressing. It also shows that even when Bob knows that Frank is going to take it as an insult to his intelligence, he wants to do more of that. So, confirming that “You realize how dumb that is, right?” interpretation.
Neither are insecure responses, but one is much more respectful and the other is much more provocative.
In the inconvenient world that I’m currently imagining from which I generated the above dialogue, screwing around with things like ‘evidence’, or even acting calm (thus implying that the rules (which every non-evil person can infer from their heart, right?) are not a threat to you or that you think you’re above them—see also, some uses of “god-fearing” as a prerequisite for “acceptable” in religious contexts), is breaking the social script.
So let’s look at what makes these situations so difficult. These people are clearly very sensitive to implication that you might be “above them”, and simultaneously can’t handle concepts like ‘evidence’. But like… are you not above people who can’t handle concepts like ‘evidence’, in some important way? In your mind are you really on equal footing, if we’re being completely honest here? I certainly couldn’t blame you for having that view of things, if you do. At the same time, can you see why maybe it’s reasonable for them to feel talked down to if you do what you’d describe as “Calmly explain that we should look at the evidence”?
It can be extremely difficult to navigate these situations without pissing people off when the people in question are simultaneously very sensitive to hints of condescension and also seemingly unable to grasp the basics. So when you say things like “Wait, you thought that was a rule?” they’re going to hear that as “Wait, you’re that dumb!?” and respond with hostility like “What the hell kind of nitpick is that?”. And honestly, they might not even be entirely wrong to read it that way.
One way to respond to this is to double down on “Well, their rules are stupid, and I am above them, so I can be secure in the fact that they can’t hurt me”. And if you’re right, then that’s probably better than subjecting yourself to their stupid rules in the first place. But if you aren’t, then they’re going to be quite motivated to hold you accountable for your hubris—as they should!
So I totally agree that this kind of secure response invites these kinds of problems. And that’s why I was suggesting the other direction, for cases like this.
As in, actually respect their judgement. Even if they don’t use the same language as you, there are going to be reasons they believe things. Even if you think you know that they’re wrong and why they go wrong, you can choose to find out instead. To ask what they think because you want to understand where they’re coming from, rather than as a ploy to highlight how stupid they are. If they take it that way, you can listen, take them seriously enough to check for any legitimacy that their interpretation might have, whether maybe you were actually a little more judgy than you meant to be, and get back on track telling them honestly that you don’t see them as dumb, you just don’t understand their perspective yet.
This is the opposite direction of “using big words to distract”, and the only time you’re trying to get on trial for something else is when you honestly believe that’s their real gripe with you. So it’s not an attempt to distract but an offering to submit to their judgement more than they were even asking for. And if that doesn’t come across at first pass, you can clarify that too: “Okay, so it is the cookie you’re most mad at me for? I know you’re mad for legitimate reason, I just want to make sure I’m addressing what’s most important to you first”. Rather than the security coming from “Lol, I’m so above you I’m untouchable (try me!)”, it’s coming from “You wouldn’t stay mad at me unless I’m doing something wrong, so I don’t have to defend myself. I trust you”.
When doing this, you’re not pleading guilty to anything you’re not guilty of, nor are you pushing away their perspectives to focus on promoting the idea that you’re innocent. Because you’re genuinely interested in their perspective, and you’re actually respecting them, they’re going to tend to feel more respected than when you tell they’re wrong/dishonest/whatever without even considering and acknowledging their perspective first.
It’s going to be difficult to pull off if you’re secretly thinking “Man, these are the lies I have to tell to get along with these dummies”, but when it’s genuine it shines through. Not immediately, necessarily, for the same reason that an abused dog doesn’t instantly trust its new owner. It takes a significant amount of evidence to overcome rationally formed priors of abuse/condescension/etc, so if you judge things after the second back and forth it won’t look great. In this one, the dog is kinda biting her, and the woman was expecting to get bit for real. If you only watch the first few back and forths, it’s easy to walk away judging it as “Man, that lady wouldn’t leave the dog alone”/”The dog didn’t like that”/”That wasn’t working”. Watch a bit longer though, and you’ll see that the evidence was being tracked all along. Certainly to better outcomes than if she defensively scolded the dog for snapping at her unfairly.
It’s true that this tends to break the social scripts regardless, but in a good way that side steps rather than engages in conflict. For example, one time my wife accidentally cut in a drive through line, and the guy she cut in front of got super pissed and started yelling at her. When her response was just “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t see you. Want me to back out so you can have your spot in line back?”, he immediately had his foot in his mouth in recognition of “Fuck, I’m the asshole here, for not considering the possibility of an innocent mistake”—which I think is pretty safe to say wasn’t part of the script he was running in his head. Technically that one is kinda admitting guilt, but only admitting what was true, which was only an innocent mistake not “deserving to get yelled at” (hence the foot in mouth), and iirc not even one he thought was worth backing out to correct after she acknowledged it.
Does that make more sense, or do you have more pushback?
I think we’re talking past each other a bit.
I agree that the thing you’re arguing against has the challenges that you’re pointing at, in contexts like those. I’m suggesting something different.
One where you’re not doing the whole “Oh no! Don’t look at the evidence, because if you do you might think I’m bad!” thing—or, more realistically, not doing the “Don’t listen to him he’s lying!”/”No, you’re wrong, I’m innocent!” type thing. Not flinching from the evidence, but rather being present with it and doing something without pushing it away.
There are a lot of different things one could do securely, but here I’m pointing at one in particular which is relevant when people think you’re actually guilty—even if they’re not being particularly fair when accusing you of stealing cookies or whatever.
Let’s go through your hypothetical line by line, giving names for easy reference:
This line as stated is a bit ambiguous. Is the speaker here purely confused and curious, or are they also kinda conveying “Because if so, that’s kinda stupid, right?”?
If it’s the latter, or looks like it might be the latter, then it makes sense that your next line might follow.
Frank has clearly communicated that he sees Bob as making an unfair argument, rather than being genuinely curious, and that he feels condescended to and unfairly treated by Bob.
If Bob isn’t driven to defensiveness out of insecurity, and he actually cares about Frank’s point of view here, he might say something like:
This response helps to disambiguate the first response, and to show that it really was a sincere attempt to understand Frank’s perspective here.
In contrast, if Bob had said the other line, it would also have helped disambiguate, albeit in a different direction:
In this context, where this line is coming instead of actually addressing Franks concerns, it shows pretty compellingly that Bob doesn’t find Franks perspective worthy of addressing. It also shows that even when Bob knows that Frank is going to take it as an insult to his intelligence, he wants to do more of that. So, confirming that “You realize how dumb that is, right?” interpretation.
Neither are insecure responses, but one is much more respectful and the other is much more provocative.
So let’s look at what makes these situations so difficult. These people are clearly very sensitive to implication that you might be “above them”, and simultaneously can’t handle concepts like ‘evidence’. But like… are you not above people who can’t handle concepts like ‘evidence’, in some important way? In your mind are you really on equal footing, if we’re being completely honest here? I certainly couldn’t blame you for having that view of things, if you do. At the same time, can you see why maybe it’s reasonable for them to feel talked down to if you do what you’d describe as “Calmly explain that we should look at the evidence”?
It can be extremely difficult to navigate these situations without pissing people off when the people in question are simultaneously very sensitive to hints of condescension and also seemingly unable to grasp the basics. So when you say things like “Wait, you thought that was a rule?” they’re going to hear that as “Wait, you’re that dumb!?” and respond with hostility like “What the hell kind of nitpick is that?”. And honestly, they might not even be entirely wrong to read it that way.
One way to respond to this is to double down on “Well, their rules are stupid, and I am above them, so I can be secure in the fact that they can’t hurt me”. And if you’re right, then that’s probably better than subjecting yourself to their stupid rules in the first place. But if you aren’t, then they’re going to be quite motivated to hold you accountable for your hubris—as they should!
So I totally agree that this kind of secure response invites these kinds of problems. And that’s why I was suggesting the other direction, for cases like this.
As in, actually respect their judgement. Even if they don’t use the same language as you, there are going to be reasons they believe things. Even if you think you know that they’re wrong and why they go wrong, you can choose to find out instead. To ask what they think because you want to understand where they’re coming from, rather than as a ploy to highlight how stupid they are. If they take it that way, you can listen, take them seriously enough to check for any legitimacy that their interpretation might have, whether maybe you were actually a little more judgy than you meant to be, and get back on track telling them honestly that you don’t see them as dumb, you just don’t understand their perspective yet.
This is the opposite direction of “using big words to distract”, and the only time you’re trying to get on trial for something else is when you honestly believe that’s their real gripe with you. So it’s not an attempt to distract but an offering to submit to their judgement more than they were even asking for. And if that doesn’t come across at first pass, you can clarify that too: “Okay, so it is the cookie you’re most mad at me for? I know you’re mad for legitimate reason, I just want to make sure I’m addressing what’s most important to you first”. Rather than the security coming from “Lol, I’m so above you I’m untouchable (try me!)”, it’s coming from “You wouldn’t stay mad at me unless I’m doing something wrong, so I don’t have to defend myself. I trust you”.
When doing this, you’re not pleading guilty to anything you’re not guilty of, nor are you pushing away their perspectives to focus on promoting the idea that you’re innocent. Because you’re genuinely interested in their perspective, and you’re actually respecting them, they’re going to tend to feel more respected than when you tell they’re wrong/dishonest/whatever without even considering and acknowledging their perspective first.
It’s going to be difficult to pull off if you’re secretly thinking “Man, these are the lies I have to tell to get along with these dummies”, but when it’s genuine it shines through. Not immediately, necessarily, for the same reason that an abused dog doesn’t instantly trust its new owner. It takes a significant amount of evidence to overcome rationally formed priors of abuse/condescension/etc, so if you judge things after the second back and forth it won’t look great. In this one, the dog is kinda biting her, and the woman was expecting to get bit for real. If you only watch the first few back and forths, it’s easy to walk away judging it as “Man, that lady wouldn’t leave the dog alone”/”The dog didn’t like that”/”That wasn’t working”. Watch a bit longer though, and you’ll see that the evidence was being tracked all along. Certainly to better outcomes than if she defensively scolded the dog for snapping at her unfairly.
It’s true that this tends to break the social scripts regardless, but in a good way that side steps rather than engages in conflict. For example, one time my wife accidentally cut in a drive through line, and the guy she cut in front of got super pissed and started yelling at her. When her response was just “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t see you. Want me to back out so you can have your spot in line back?”, he immediately had his foot in his mouth in recognition of “Fuck, I’m the asshole here, for not considering the possibility of an innocent mistake”—which I think is pretty safe to say wasn’t part of the script he was running in his head. Technically that one is kinda admitting guilt, but only admitting what was true, which was only an innocent mistake not “deserving to get yelled at” (hence the foot in mouth), and iirc not even one he thought was worth backing out to correct after she acknowledged it.
Does that make more sense, or do you have more pushback?