This post feels very close to how I decided to transition. I was also a lonely nerdy teen stuck on the Internet most of the time, who fixated on transitioning once it became the default strategy in my internet circles to cope with depression (which was mostly social contagion on my side. I never got depressed since leaving this group).
However, I was also an obvious biological outlier, so I agree with @marisa that the social setting is compatible with biological factors. In my case, I had a very mild puberty: barely any hair growth, erectile dysfunction, even some breast growth for a few months. I had no trouble passing when I socially transitioned at 18, and regularly got people confused whether I had transitioned FtM or MtF.
A third factor, beside the saliency of being trans as a solution to depression and the low body masculinity, is that I had quite a narrow view of gender. Basically full on gender binary, with men and women being very clear and narrow roles exactly as depicted in media. I knew I did not fit in the man box, so when I discovered being trans was a thing, the solution seemed obvious, just go to the other box, woman.
Oh, and of course fourth is that I have strong AGP. Although, that was more of a reason to continue my transition than a reason to start, as that only appeared after I had already started thinking of myself as trans from the first reason.
Ten years later, I now feel like I’m stuck being trans because it’s been a part of my life for too long. I’m happy with my life and my body, but I know that my preferences for being like I am are path dependent.
I’m confident that there are adjacent universes where I have not fallen into the same toxic internet communities, fixed my low testosterone issue, expanded my gender role models beyond heteronormative, and ended up happy as a somewhat gender non-conforming guy who sometimes has AGP fantasies.
Although I considered it, I’m not going to detrans, because I’m now so used to my new identity, and because I lucked out on transition and ended up with a body I like and that looks hot. There’s not much to find back on the other side for me.
So yeah, I get it, transitioning to get accepted and loved sucks, because in the end it’s not what’s going to bring it about. I get the rage at the society that pushed us towards this as a way to unhealthily cope with being unloved outcasts. I hope you’ll figure out who you want to be and how to get there.
It is terrible and unfair that the world is so bad that people are not presented with freedom of looking what they want to look like and having the gender tropes they want to have.
I think it is underappreciated how much of the trans* trauma and conflict is downstream of the gender binary.
I am hesitant to say this because it sounds woke. But if you think about it, if something has gone “wrong” within a trans person’s brain, what are the odds that it just totally flipped them to being the other gender? It doesn’t work like that.
We were seen as shameful, deviant, taboo, perverted, and so, early trans care focused on assimilation. Passing as “assumed cis”, not “correct pronouns”, so we would not be a cognitive burden to mainstream society, and not cause fear.
Transmedicalism internalized this, which led to trans people over-identifying with the binary. But actually there is no rational reason why transmedicalism and being nonbinary must be in conflict.
Though, in my, case it was not through the binary presentation of gender from transmedicalists, but through the general binary representation of gender in media and in everyone I met in person.
I now have multiple cis guy friends who have pretty cool genders, and if I knew being like them was a thing I could do as a teen, I might not have transitioned.
This post feels very close to how I decided to transition. I was also a lonely nerdy teen stuck on the Internet most of the time, who fixated on transitioning once it became the default strategy in my internet circles to cope with depression (which was mostly social contagion on my side. I never got depressed since leaving this group).
However, I was also an obvious biological outlier, so I agree with @marisa that the social setting is compatible with biological factors. In my case, I had a very mild puberty: barely any hair growth, erectile dysfunction, even some breast growth for a few months. I had no trouble passing when I socially transitioned at 18, and regularly got people confused whether I had transitioned FtM or MtF.
A third factor, beside the saliency of being trans as a solution to depression and the low body masculinity, is that I had quite a narrow view of gender. Basically full on gender binary, with men and women being very clear and narrow roles exactly as depicted in media. I knew I did not fit in the man box, so when I discovered being trans was a thing, the solution seemed obvious, just go to the other box, woman.
Oh, and of course fourth is that I have strong AGP. Although, that was more of a reason to continue my transition than a reason to start, as that only appeared after I had already started thinking of myself as trans from the first reason.
Ten years later, I now feel like I’m stuck being trans because it’s been a part of my life for too long. I’m happy with my life and my body, but I know that my preferences for being like I am are path dependent.
I’m confident that there are adjacent universes where I have not fallen into the same toxic internet communities, fixed my low testosterone issue, expanded my gender role models beyond heteronormative, and ended up happy as a somewhat gender non-conforming guy who sometimes has AGP fantasies.
Although I considered it, I’m not going to detrans, because I’m now so used to my new identity, and because I lucked out on transition and ended up with a body I like and that looks hot. There’s not much to find back on the other side for me.
So yeah, I get it, transitioning to get accepted and loved sucks, because in the end it’s not what’s going to bring it about. I get the rage at the society that pushed us towards this as a way to unhealthily cope with being unloved outcasts. I hope you’ll figure out who you want to be and how to get there.
It is terrible and unfair that the world is so bad that people are not presented with freedom of looking what they want to look like and having the gender tropes they want to have.
hi Lucie, thank you for the comment :)
I think it is underappreciated how much of the trans* trauma and conflict is downstream of the gender binary.
I am hesitant to say this because it sounds woke. But if you think about it, if something has gone “wrong” within a trans person’s brain, what are the odds that it just totally flipped them to being the other gender? It doesn’t work like that.
We were seen as shameful, deviant, taboo, perverted, and so, early trans care focused on assimilation. Passing as “assumed cis”, not “correct pronouns”, so we would not be a cognitive burden to mainstream society, and not cause fear.
Transmedicalism internalized this, which led to trans people over-identifying with the binary. But actually there is no rational reason why transmedicalism and being nonbinary must be in conflict.
Agree with this.
Though, in my, case it was not through the binary presentation of gender from transmedicalists, but through the general binary representation of gender in media and in everyone I met in person.
I now have multiple cis guy friends who have pretty cool genders, and if I knew being like them was a thing I could do as a teen, I might not have transitioned.