This is a normal consequence of intending at a level that requires more control than we actually have. Which is a normal consequence of not yet perceiving the interrelation and structure of expectation and control
When we control things, the effect of our control is to make our desired outcome expected—for if we can’t hit the center of the target even in expectation, then by definition we aren’t in control. “Expecting” an outcome goes hand in hand with aiming to “control to” or “manifest” an expectation.
When the room is too cold, we think “Brr… it shouldn’t be this cold in here!” and then go turn the heat up until room’s temperature meets our expectations. Okay, fine.
But then what happens when your mom might have cancer?
You’ve been expecting her to not have cancer, and you want to be able to keep this expectation because who wants their mom to have cancer? So you might focus on the desired world state where your mom has no cancer, acting to do what you can to bring it about. You focus on manifesting no cancer in the biopsy—and know this will fail, so you get this error signal that tells you it’s not working in expectation. And then often in reality.
This resistance to letting go comes because we have something to lose. And there’s something to fighting this fight. “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.”
At the same time, it doesn’t always work. And the suffering it entails points to our expectations actually being wrong. We’re strongly expecting to not see cancer in the biopsy AND we know that this expectation is likely to be falsified. That hint we can update on.
I wish I could have certainty that my mom doesn’t have cancer. Of course I wish that. Who wouldn’t? At the same time, my mom might actually have cancer, and there ain’t shit I can do about what’s already true.
What I can do, is make sure her life does not get cut short unnecessarily. Not “My mom doesn’t have cancer [dammit!]”, but “My mom is going to live as long, healthy, and happy as a life is as absolutely possible. Because I’m going to make sure of it”. I’m sure you, too, want to make sure your mom lives as long, healthy, and happily as absolutely possible. And you can act so as to make sure she does.
When that’s your frame, where’s the spider?
How do you feel about checking the biopsy, now?
For that matter, how do you feel about not checking the biopsy now?
Interesting, right?
So what do you do about the growing aversion to information which is unpleasant to learn?
To answer this directly, I notice. Like, really notice, and sit with it, and then notice what changes as a result as I realize what the implications are and allow the updates to flow through me.
Not “notice-and-then-do-this-instead!” because that’s often prematurely jumping to try to a control a thing with insufficient perspective, when the problem itself is caused by trying to jump too quickly to control a thing without sufficient perspective.
So step one is to notice.
And to actively monitor whether I’m trying to “do something about it!”, because I already know I don’t want to jump to that. Not that I want to “Do-something-about-trying-to-do-something!”, just “I don’t want to do things that are stupid, lol”.
Notice what the existence of this ugh field is telling me. Okay, I already know my expectations are bad. They won’t be fulfilled, in my already existing meta-expectation.
What changes?
What doesn’t?
Specifically, I look to what I’m realizing I can’t control, and to what of value I still can control. And then reorient to that, so that I stop putting ineffectual claw marks on the things that’s a goner at the expense of attending to what can still be saved.
So, “Hm. I notice that I don’t want to see what’s in this email, because I already suspect it will be what I don’t want to see. Okay, what don’t I want to see. Okay, yeah, I don’t want to see that. Of course I don’t want to see that. What if I do see that? What might I want to do about that”?
Maybe, “Why does it seem like whatever I do, people will get pissed at me?”. “Is that actually true?”. “If not, what kind of unseen-stupid am I being to systematically fail like this?”. “If so, is that okay?”.
The exact sequence and form might change, but the underlying theme is to be really attentive to what feedback I’m getting and where I might be flinching away from updating on this feedback, because all of this struggle results from failing to attend to something with the attention it deserves. The model I’m comparing to, to highlight sources of error, is one where my expectations aren’t predictably violated, there’s no innate tension underlying everything as a result, and any tension gets released by retreating from obstinate control towards more nuanced and obtainable goals after grieving what must be grieved—and not what must not.
This is a normal consequence of intending at a level that requires more control than we actually have. Which is a normal consequence of not yet perceiving the interrelation and structure of expectation and control
When we control things, the effect of our control is to make our desired outcome expected—for if we can’t hit the center of the target even in expectation, then by definition we aren’t in control. “Expecting” an outcome goes hand in hand with aiming to “control to” or “manifest” an expectation.
When the room is too cold, we think “Brr… it shouldn’t be this cold in here!” and then go turn the heat up until room’s temperature meets our expectations. Okay, fine.
But then what happens when your mom might have cancer?
You’ve been expecting her to not have cancer, and you want to be able to keep this expectation because who wants their mom to have cancer? So you might focus on the desired world state where your mom has no cancer, acting to do what you can to bring it about. You focus on manifesting no cancer in the biopsy—and know this will fail, so you get this error signal that tells you it’s not working in expectation. And then often in reality.
This resistance to letting go comes because we have something to lose. And there’s something to fighting this fight. “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.”
At the same time, it doesn’t always work. And the suffering it entails points to our expectations actually being wrong. We’re strongly expecting to not see cancer in the biopsy AND we know that this expectation is likely to be falsified. That hint we can update on.
I wish I could have certainty that my mom doesn’t have cancer. Of course I wish that. Who wouldn’t? At the same time, my mom might actually have cancer, and there ain’t shit I can do about what’s already true.
What I can do, is make sure her life does not get cut short unnecessarily. Not “My mom doesn’t have cancer [dammit!]”, but “My mom is going to live as long, healthy, and happy as a life is as absolutely possible. Because I’m going to make sure of it”. I’m sure you, too, want to make sure your mom lives as long, healthy, and happily as absolutely possible. And you can act so as to make sure she does.
When that’s your frame, where’s the spider?
How do you feel about checking the biopsy, now?
For that matter, how do you feel about not checking the biopsy now?
Interesting, right?
To answer this directly, I notice. Like, really notice, and sit with it, and then notice what changes as a result as I realize what the implications are and allow the updates to flow through me.
Not “notice-and-then-do-this-instead!” because that’s often prematurely jumping to try to a control a thing with insufficient perspective, when the problem itself is caused by trying to jump too quickly to control a thing without sufficient perspective.
So step one is to notice.
And to actively monitor whether I’m trying to “do something about it!”, because I already know I don’t want to jump to that. Not that I want to “Do-something-about-trying-to-do-something!”, just “I don’t want to do things that are stupid, lol”.
Notice what the existence of this ugh field is telling me. Okay, I already know my expectations are bad. They won’t be fulfilled, in my already existing meta-expectation.
What changes?
What doesn’t?
Specifically, I look to what I’m realizing I can’t control, and to what of value I still can control. And then reorient to that, so that I stop putting ineffectual claw marks on the things that’s a goner at the expense of attending to what can still be saved.
So, “Hm. I notice that I don’t want to see what’s in this email, because I already suspect it will be what I don’t want to see. Okay, what don’t I want to see. Okay, yeah, I don’t want to see that. Of course I don’t want to see that. What if I do see that? What might I want to do about that”?
Maybe, “Why does it seem like whatever I do, people will get pissed at me?”. “Is that actually true?”. “If not, what kind of unseen-stupid am I being to systematically fail like this?”. “If so, is that okay?”.
The exact sequence and form might change, but the underlying theme is to be really attentive to what feedback I’m getting and where I might be flinching away from updating on this feedback, because all of this struggle results from failing to attend to something with the attention it deserves. The model I’m comparing to, to highlight sources of error, is one where my expectations aren’t predictably violated, there’s no innate tension underlying everything as a result, and any tension gets released by retreating from obstinate control towards more nuanced and obtainable goals after grieving what must be grieved—and not what must not.