One thing to watch out for: When you find out that your interlocutor has interpreted your question differently than you intended it may be polite/friendly to let her finish speaking before following up with the more specific thing you wanted to know. People (often) enjoy open conversation more than specific interrogation.
I seem to have this problem with my mother-in-law, we don’t understand each other very well. A recent conversation went like this.
MIL: So, what sort of girl is this babysitter you’ve hired?
Me: Oh, she’s a lovely sweet country girl, a bit shy. This one time she was… [want to launch into a funny story]
MIL: [interrupts] No, no, I mean—is she a student or does she work somewhere?
Me: [annoyed that I didn’t get to tell my story] She’s a student.
Agreed. That seems to exemplify the difference between social interaction for its own sake, and social interaction for the sole purpose of gathering certain information or getting something done. I think the point in my life when I became a good listener (or at least a better listener than before!) is when I started seeing people as versions of me rather than as confusing-but-potentially-useful furniture. And I like to have a chance to tell stories, so I give other people that latitude too, and the stories are usually more interesting than whatever fact I might have specifically wanted to learn.
I think the point in my life when I became a good listener (or at least a better listener than before!) is when I started seeing people as versions of me rather than as confusing-but-potentially-useful furniture.
I used to view other people as versions of me, and projected my opinions and thoughts into them. I would expect people to understand what I was saying and agree that it was reasonable. All deviations were bad. This didn’t work particularly well.
I find viewing them as people with equal moral weight, but different personalities and wants works much better.
You make some good points here, Alicorn.
One thing to watch out for: When you find out that your interlocutor has interpreted your question differently than you intended it may be polite/friendly to let her finish speaking before following up with the more specific thing you wanted to know. People (often) enjoy open conversation more than specific interrogation.
I seem to have this problem with my mother-in-law, we don’t understand each other very well. A recent conversation went like this.
MIL: So, what sort of girl is this babysitter you’ve hired?
Me: Oh, she’s a lovely sweet country girl, a bit shy. This one time she was… [want to launch into a funny story]
MIL: [interrupts] No, no, I mean—is she a student or does she work somewhere?
Me: [annoyed that I didn’t get to tell my story] She’s a student.
Agreed. That seems to exemplify the difference between social interaction for its own sake, and social interaction for the sole purpose of gathering certain information or getting something done. I think the point in my life when I became a good listener (or at least a better listener than before!) is when I started seeing people as versions of me rather than as confusing-but-potentially-useful furniture. And I like to have a chance to tell stories, so I give other people that latitude too, and the stories are usually more interesting than whatever fact I might have specifically wanted to learn.
Upvoted for helpfulness.
Interesting, I’ve had the opposite experience.
I used to view other people as versions of me, and projected my opinions and thoughts into them. I would expect people to understand what I was saying and agree that it was reasonable. All deviations were bad. This didn’t work particularly well.
I find viewing them as people with equal moral weight, but different personalities and wants works much better.