How to handle feeling low status? I mean the feeling that people don’t respect you, and don’t consider what you’re doing or saying important or worthy. When I was young, I used to feel this way all the time. Now there are groups in which I don’t feel this, but I still feel it occasionally, especially if I’m in new social situations. This is the worst feeling for me, and usually the number one reason why I sometimes lose motivation to do things.
The simple solution is to acquire more status, but I’m not really asking about that because you have to be able handle being low status before you can become high-status. Easiest way I’ve found for acquiring status in groups is this:
Pick a group
Become accustomed to the norms of that group
Signal knowledge, experience, and talent in the areas of interest of that group. Have the right opinions and interests and follow fashion as those interests and popular opinions change. Make the right lifestyle choices. Do impressive things based on those norms. It’s not good to be too obvious about these things because explicitly seeking approval signals low status in many groups. There’s room for freedom in most of these areas because of countersignaling reasons.
Then there are generally impressive things like having a Ph.D, a high-paying job, or being really skilled in some area which are high status in many groups.
I’ve noticed that some people who are very intelligent, and especially those who are socially intelligent, can often make people respect them even in new groups because they always find interesting and relevant things to say. I’m not that kind of person.
Your ‘easiest way’ feels to me like: “If you are low-status, and you want to change it, aim for middle status, not high status.” Which in my opinion is an excellent advice. Because if you succeed at this, you can try the higher status later, and it will feel more comfortable. But many people consistently keep aiming higher than they can afford, and then they predictably fail. Now that I think about it, it applies to so many areas of life—people trying to run before they can walk, which ultimately leaves them unable to either walk or run.
People probably fail to notice this strategy because they see the situation as a dichotomy between “low status” and “high status”, as if any deviation from the highest observed status means they remain at the bottom.
All of the following behaviors are not highest status:
Joining an existing group, instead of creating your own, or waiting for the group to form spontaneusly around you.
Learning the norms of the group, instead of expecting the group to forgive you all transgressions.
Taking interest in the topics of the group, instead of expecting the group to switch to the topics that interest you.
Following the group consensus, instead of signalling your uniqueness by disagreeing with it.
Working hard, instead of displaying that you don’t have to work hard.
Talking about interesting and relevant things, instead of expecting people to admire you regardless of what you say.
And that’s exactly why a person starting at the bottom should do them, because it will bring them to the middle. Actually, this strategy would bring the average person to the middle; the highly intelligent people will end up above the middle, because their intelligence will allow them to perform better at these things.
I’ve noticed that some people who are very intelligent, and especially those who are socially intelligent, can often make people respect them even in new groups because they always find interesting and relevant things to say. I’m not that kind of person.
It’s possible to take on the growth mindset here. I myself have improved in this area and I know people who have improved far more than me.
Note that only about 10% of this is what you say. The other 90% of it is the energy you bring to what you say, which mostly manifests in voice tonality, body language, facial expressions, and eye contact. All of those things in turn are influenced by your mental state and frame of mind—specifically, you want to feel present, open, interested, and calm.
All of these represent habits that you can take on 1 at a time, as long as you make sure to train them the way you would any other habit. If you’re interested in pre-made training programs that go through this, here’s a short list: http://lesswrong.com/lw/mdh/open_thread_jun_22_jun_28_2015/cicl
Remember, in a country with x amount of people, 1 in x odds happens once a day. So, in a country with a million people, one in a million odds happens once a day.
What specifically about feeling low status bothers you? What parts of that feeling do you find difficult to handle? You described the “acquire more status” process well, but that wasn’t the focus of your question. Would you please be more detailed in your description of what bothers you?
I feel something like “low status is the default” or, “there’s not any particular reason why this person should, by default, be interested in what I am doing, or consider it important or worthy.” Hmm, when I write that out it sounds worse than it feels. But it doesn’t particularly bother me to go into a situation where someone treats me as low-status, unless I am attempting to achieve something that status and attention would help with. There are times when not being the center of attention is an advantage, and where having higher status would be more time-consuming and bothersome. Is the group worthy of my time and attention? Does it share my values? Is increasing status something that would help my goals? Then it may be worth it to put the effort in. Otherwise, why bother? It may be easier and more congruent with my goals to slip through the group unnoticed.
Chasing status for its own sake can be a time-sink. If your time is valuable, it makes sense to be selective about what status you pursue. Letting others’ perceptions of your status affect your motivation seems...nonsensical to me. If you let status affect your motivation that much, perhaps you were not strongly motivated to begin with. Perhaps the thing you are starting to do is not something that you actually want. Perhaps what is needed is more introspection about what you do want, and what your priorities are, so that your actions can align better with your values and goals.
But I’m kind of guessing with not much to go on here, so that’s why I asked for more detail.
Also, “even in new groups finding interesting and relevant things to say” is a skill that can be acquired. In my opinion it would be better not to think of having that skill or not having that skill as a fixed part of your identity.
Then there are generally impressive things like having a Ph.D, a high-paying job, or being really skilled in some area which are high status in many groups.
For Ph.D., what kind of groups are you thinking about? (aside from university circles obviously)
How to handle feeling low status? I mean the feeling that people don’t respect you, and don’t consider what you’re doing or saying important or worthy. When I was young, I used to feel this way all the time. Now there are groups in which I don’t feel this, but I still feel it occasionally, especially if I’m in new social situations. This is the worst feeling for me, and usually the number one reason why I sometimes lose motivation to do things.
The simple solution is to acquire more status, but I’m not really asking about that because you have to be able handle being low status before you can become high-status. Easiest way I’ve found for acquiring status in groups is this:
Pick a group
Become accustomed to the norms of that group
Signal knowledge, experience, and talent in the areas of interest of that group. Have the right opinions and interests and follow fashion as those interests and popular opinions change. Make the right lifestyle choices. Do impressive things based on those norms. It’s not good to be too obvious about these things because explicitly seeking approval signals low status in many groups. There’s room for freedom in most of these areas because of countersignaling reasons.
Then there are generally impressive things like having a Ph.D, a high-paying job, or being really skilled in some area which are high status in many groups.
I’ve noticed that some people who are very intelligent, and especially those who are socially intelligent, can often make people respect them even in new groups because they always find interesting and relevant things to say. I’m not that kind of person.
Your ‘easiest way’ feels to me like: “If you are low-status, and you want to change it, aim for middle status, not high status.” Which in my opinion is an excellent advice. Because if you succeed at this, you can try the higher status later, and it will feel more comfortable. But many people consistently keep aiming higher than they can afford, and then they predictably fail. Now that I think about it, it applies to so many areas of life—people trying to run before they can walk, which ultimately leaves them unable to either walk or run.
People probably fail to notice this strategy because they see the situation as a dichotomy between “low status” and “high status”, as if any deviation from the highest observed status means they remain at the bottom.
All of the following behaviors are not highest status:
Joining an existing group, instead of creating your own, or waiting for the group to form spontaneusly around you.
Learning the norms of the group, instead of expecting the group to forgive you all transgressions.
Taking interest in the topics of the group, instead of expecting the group to switch to the topics that interest you.
Following the group consensus, instead of signalling your uniqueness by disagreeing with it.
Working hard, instead of displaying that you don’t have to work hard.
Talking about interesting and relevant things, instead of expecting people to admire you regardless of what you say.
And that’s exactly why a person starting at the bottom should do them, because it will bring them to the middle. Actually, this strategy would bring the average person to the middle; the highly intelligent people will end up above the middle, because their intelligence will allow them to perform better at these things.
Work hard to get something to hang your hat on. Why optimize for the signal, optimize for the thing itself directly.
Imposter syndrome does make some people less effective at their jobs.
It’s possible to take on the growth mindset here. I myself have improved in this area and I know people who have improved far more than me.
Note that only about 10% of this is what you say. The other 90% of it is the energy you bring to what you say, which mostly manifests in voice tonality, body language, facial expressions, and eye contact. All of those things in turn are influenced by your mental state and frame of mind—specifically, you want to feel present, open, interested, and calm.
All of these represent habits that you can take on 1 at a time, as long as you make sure to train them the way you would any other habit. If you’re interested in pre-made training programs that go through this, here’s a short list: http://lesswrong.com/lw/mdh/open_thread_jun_22_jun_28_2015/cicl
http://psychology.tools/self-esteem.html
Remember, in a country with x amount of people, 1 in x odds happens once a day. So, in a country with a million people, one in a million odds happens once a day.
What specifically about feeling low status bothers you? What parts of that feeling do you find difficult to handle? You described the “acquire more status” process well, but that wasn’t the focus of your question. Would you please be more detailed in your description of what bothers you?
I feel something like “low status is the default” or, “there’s not any particular reason why this person should, by default, be interested in what I am doing, or consider it important or worthy.” Hmm, when I write that out it sounds worse than it feels. But it doesn’t particularly bother me to go into a situation where someone treats me as low-status, unless I am attempting to achieve something that status and attention would help with. There are times when not being the center of attention is an advantage, and where having higher status would be more time-consuming and bothersome. Is the group worthy of my time and attention? Does it share my values? Is increasing status something that would help my goals? Then it may be worth it to put the effort in. Otherwise, why bother? It may be easier and more congruent with my goals to slip through the group unnoticed.
Chasing status for its own sake can be a time-sink. If your time is valuable, it makes sense to be selective about what status you pursue. Letting others’ perceptions of your status affect your motivation seems...nonsensical to me. If you let status affect your motivation that much, perhaps you were not strongly motivated to begin with. Perhaps the thing you are starting to do is not something that you actually want. Perhaps what is needed is more introspection about what you do want, and what your priorities are, so that your actions can align better with your values and goals.
But I’m kind of guessing with not much to go on here, so that’s why I asked for more detail.
Also, “even in new groups finding interesting and relevant things to say” is a skill that can be acquired. In my opinion it would be better not to think of having that skill or not having that skill as a fixed part of your identity.
For Ph.D., what kind of groups are you thinking about? (aside from university circles obviously)