Long story short, I LOVE attention, and I HATE asking for it. This has been the case since middle school. The hating to ask part comes with an attitude of “Fuck you, I’m not going to beg for you to give me something”. So I had a chip on my shoulder in regards to asking for people’s attention, and like any good chip, it needed a rationalized narrative to justify its existence. “People who need other people to pay attention to them are weak”, “Wow hazard, you’re such a strong rugged individual for not needing other people’s attention”
This dichotomy is very real to me. And I don’t think it’s just “people who need need other people to pay attention to them are weak” but “people who need other people to pay attention to them don’t get attention.” Neediness is repelling. So you run into this situation where in order to get attention, you convince yourself you don’t want attention- and this obviously leads to all sorts of internal conflicts.
Also noticed today: It will be incredibly hard to sort through that internal conflict, because you’ll rarely go, “I wonder if this conflict comes from me wanting attention?” because you spent X many years convincing yourself you don’t need attention. Classic blindspot.
This dichotomy is very real to me. And I don’t think it’s just “people who need need other people to pay attention to them are weak” but “people who need other people to pay attention to them don’t get attention.” Neediness is repelling. So you run into this situation where in order to get attention, you convince yourself you don’t want attention- and this obviously leads to all sorts of internal conflicts.
Also noticed today: It will be incredibly hard to sort through that internal conflict, because you’ll rarely go, “I wonder if this conflict comes from me wanting attention?” because you spent X many years convincing yourself you don’t need attention. Classic blindspot.