I appreciate this post. I get the sense that the author is trying to do something incredibly complicated and is aware of exactly how hard it is, and the post does it as well as it can be done.
I want to try to contribute by describing a characteristic thing I’ve noticed from people who I later realized were doing a lot of frame control on me:
Comments like ‘almost no one is actually trying but you, you’re actually trying’ ‘most people don’t actually want to hear this, and I’m hoping you’re different’.′ I can only tell you this if you want to hear it’ ‘it feels like you’re already getting it, no one gets that far on their own’ ‘almost everyone is too locked into the system to actually listen to what I’m about to say’ ‘I’ve been wanting to find the right person to say this to, but no one wants to listen, but I think you might actually be ready to hear it’: the common thread is that you, the listener, are special, and the speaker is the person who gets to recognize you as special, and the proof of your specialness is that you’re going to try/going to listen/going to hear them out/ not going to instantly jump to conclusions
Counterexamples: ‘you’re the only Political Affiliation X I’ve ever found worth listening to’ does not at all seem to come from the same kinds of motivations as the above. Some people have said “[x writing] demonstrated a rare ability to Actually Get It” and weren’t doing weird manipulative shit at all; people who said it publicly in fact I think have in every case just been sincere/being nice/recommending a thinker they think highly of. The frame control people all said it privately or semiprivately, possibly because that way they can reuse the compliment on lots of people, possibly I’m just overgeneralizing from a small number of data points.
the common thread is that you, the listener, are special, and the speaker is the person who gets to recognize you as special, and the proof of your specialness is...
The speaker has granted you a “special” status, and now they can also set the rules you have to follow unless you want that status revoked. How much are you willing to pay in order to keep that precious status?
Antidotes: “I am not special” or “whether I am special or not, does not depend on whether X thinks I am”.
Antidotes: “I am not special” or “whether I am special or not, does not depend on whether X thinks I am”.
Or: “whether I’m ‘special’ or not is a red herring, a distraction; meanwhile, this person who’s trying so hard to make me feel special, is obviously trying to manipulate me, and must be viewed with exceptional scrutiny”.
I appreciate this post. I get the sense that the author is trying to do something incredibly complicated and is aware of exactly how hard it is, and the post does it as well as it can be done.
I want to try to contribute by describing a characteristic thing I’ve noticed from people who I later realized were doing a lot of frame control on me:
Comments like ‘almost no one is actually trying but you, you’re actually trying’ ‘most people don’t actually want to hear this, and I’m hoping you’re different’.′ I can only tell you this if you want to hear it’ ‘it feels like you’re already getting it, no one gets that far on their own’ ‘almost everyone is too locked into the system to actually listen to what I’m about to say’ ‘I’ve been wanting to find the right person to say this to, but no one wants to listen, but I think you might actually be ready to hear it’: the common thread is that you, the listener, are special, and the speaker is the person who gets to recognize you as special, and the proof of your specialness is that you’re going to try/going to listen/going to hear them out/ not going to instantly jump to conclusions
Counterexamples: ‘you’re the only Political Affiliation X I’ve ever found worth listening to’ does not at all seem to come from the same kinds of motivations as the above. Some people have said “[x writing] demonstrated a rare ability to Actually Get It” and weren’t doing weird manipulative shit at all; people who said it publicly in fact I think have in every case just been sincere/being nice/recommending a thinker they think highly of. The frame control people all said it privately or semiprivately, possibly because that way they can reuse the compliment on lots of people, possibly I’m just overgeneralizing from a small number of data points.
Ahhh these are fantastic examples that clearly map onto frame controllers I know and I didn’t think of it when writing this post; really great points.
The speaker has granted you a “special” status, and now they can also set the rules you have to follow unless you want that status revoked. How much are you willing to pay in order to keep that precious status?
Antidotes: “I am not special” or “whether I am special or not, does not depend on whether X thinks I am”.
Or: “whether I’m ‘special’ or not is a red herring, a distraction; meanwhile, this person who’s trying so hard to make me feel special, is obviously trying to manipulate me, and must be viewed with exceptional scrutiny”.