That may well be obvious to many, but I’m starting to think that the key problem — in addition to the usual consequences of ADHD/ASD which I’m as ready to accept as anybody here — is just a big ol’ cognitive dissonance: I want to be a smart and promising student in a vaguely rationality-adjacent, science-based field, and to have fun doing it ; but I am a disgruntled, sad student in a business school. Most normal people in my situation might have tried harder to let the “smart and happy” side of themselves win, but I quickly got used to being depressed, in a way that tilted the scales in favour of solving the dissonance by just accepting that I was a depressed idiot. It seems to explain why I just never accepted I was a student at my uni, in a way? I could have done interesting things in that context, but only ever seemed to want to get outta there. That also could explain why I gradually ‘lost interest’ in a bunch of intellectual things I still am into, deep down. Seems like I have my explanation. However, there’s no way I’ll just solve the dissonance by getting comfortable with not being as smart as I used to be. I wouldn’t accept that. And there’s also basically no way I’ll get back to being as smart as I want to be. Especially if I add that, even if I suddenly became a much better version of myself, I’d still have “the fact that I used to be depressed”, conflicting with my self-image. Seems like I have either a very difficult tradeoff, or simply no options at all, if I think the tradeoff entails too many sacrifices.
No, judging from the other comments and the bit of common sense I still have left, I’m exaggerating my plight, and I should probably get some rest to clear my mind. Still, I’m between a rock and a hard place.
That may well be obvious to many, but I’m starting to think that the key problem — in addition to the usual consequences of ADHD/ASD which I’m as ready to accept as anybody here — is just a big ol’ cognitive dissonance: I want to be a smart and promising student in a vaguely rationality-adjacent, science-based field, and to have fun doing it ; but I am a disgruntled, sad student in a business school. Most normal people in my situation might have tried harder to let the “smart and happy” side of themselves win, but I quickly got used to being depressed, in a way that tilted the scales in favour of solving the dissonance by just accepting that I was a depressed idiot. It seems to explain why I just never accepted I was a student at my uni, in a way? I could have done interesting things in that context, but only ever seemed to want to get outta there. That also could explain why I gradually ‘lost interest’ in a bunch of intellectual things I still am into, deep down. Seems like I have my explanation. However, there’s no way I’ll just solve the dissonance by getting comfortable with not being as smart as I used to be. I wouldn’t accept that. And there’s also basically no way I’ll get back to being as smart as I want to be. Especially if I add that, even if I suddenly became a much better version of myself, I’d still have “the fact that I used to be depressed”, conflicting with my self-image. Seems like I have either a very difficult tradeoff, or simply no options at all, if I think the tradeoff entails too many sacrifices.
No, judging from the other comments and the bit of common sense I still have left, I’m exaggerating my plight, and I should probably get some rest to clear my mind. Still, I’m between a rock and a hard place.