I actually hadn’t thought of it in quite this way, but you’re right.
Man, that’s just about the ideal response to a comment, isn’t it?
I feel like I have to tie my hands behind my back to talk to them
I don’t think he’d have used the same words, I think the friend I had in mind would agree with this. He often seems very frustrated and annoyed when it comes up, and I don’t blame him—the social circle in which I interact with him is composed almost entirely of people who prefer a very different conversation style, and the rules of that style are presumably unintuitive to him. The result is that, well, he gets yelled at sometimes for acting in a way which to him is normal.
I’m sympathetic to the situation, but at the same time, he’s behaving in a way which is unacceptable in that context, and I don’t sympathize with doing that. He’s not dumb by any means. It’s hard for me to believe that he’s incapable of learning the patterns which conflict with his instincts (e.g. “if you have a clarifying question about what someone else is saying, wait until they pause to ask it”), and I wonder if his value judgments about the different social modes disincline him to do so.
On the other hand, it’s easy for me to say he could just go learn them, because they’re normal and intuitive for me. You don’t see me out there learning to interact with people in his style, and I don’t especially care to do so. On the other other hand, a) I also don’t hang out with them every week, and b) my style doesn’t cause anger and hurt feelings when used in the wrong context.
they don’t really realize that for me to give my opinion would involve demolishing their argument, and they’d have their feelings hurt if I did that
Do you believe that it’s not possible to give your differing opinion, even including rebuttal of their argument, in a manner which does not result in hurt feelings? When I observe people who are being, for the context, excessively argumentative, my impression is not that the content of what they’re saying is wrong, but they’re choosing a form to deliver it in which also conveys disrespect, arrogance, and belligerence to their current audience (which it wouldn’t have to an audience of people more like them—hence the frustration).
usually my “tact” just means “avoiding the subject.”
Honestly, in politics I think this often is the right choice, simply because it is by definition a subject that people have personal investment in. (I know there’s a sequence about this, and I haven’t read it yet, so I won’t bother expounding further than that.) However, for less heated topics, it may only take a change in word choice to deliver the same content in a way that doesn’t incite rage.
So there’s probably a skill I need to learn here.
If I’m reading you correctly, it’s the above—the art of disagreeing without conveying disrespect. This is one of the subjects of the book idea that’s been floating around in my head for a while, which is generally a translation guide for people with very different modes of communication.
This is one of the subjects of the book idea that’s been floating around in my head for a while, which is generally a translation guide for people with very different modes of communication.
The world needs this. Let us know when you have it, or if any of us can help! ;-)
Thanks—I will. It’s about third-tier on my priorities right now (first tier is homework and guitar, second is a game idea), but I suspect that this community will be a good resource when I’m working on it more actively.
Man, that’s just about the ideal response to a comment, isn’t it?
I don’t think he’d have used the same words, I think the friend I had in mind would agree with this. He often seems very frustrated and annoyed when it comes up, and I don’t blame him—the social circle in which I interact with him is composed almost entirely of people who prefer a very different conversation style, and the rules of that style are presumably unintuitive to him. The result is that, well, he gets yelled at sometimes for acting in a way which to him is normal.
I’m sympathetic to the situation, but at the same time, he’s behaving in a way which is unacceptable in that context, and I don’t sympathize with doing that. He’s not dumb by any means. It’s hard for me to believe that he’s incapable of learning the patterns which conflict with his instincts (e.g. “if you have a clarifying question about what someone else is saying, wait until they pause to ask it”), and I wonder if his value judgments about the different social modes disincline him to do so.
On the other hand, it’s easy for me to say he could just go learn them, because they’re normal and intuitive for me. You don’t see me out there learning to interact with people in his style, and I don’t especially care to do so. On the other other hand, a) I also don’t hang out with them every week, and b) my style doesn’t cause anger and hurt feelings when used in the wrong context.
Do you believe that it’s not possible to give your differing opinion, even including rebuttal of their argument, in a manner which does not result in hurt feelings? When I observe people who are being, for the context, excessively argumentative, my impression is not that the content of what they’re saying is wrong, but they’re choosing a form to deliver it in which also conveys disrespect, arrogance, and belligerence to their current audience (which it wouldn’t have to an audience of people more like them—hence the frustration).
Honestly, in politics I think this often is the right choice, simply because it is by definition a subject that people have personal investment in. (I know there’s a sequence about this, and I haven’t read it yet, so I won’t bother expounding further than that.) However, for less heated topics, it may only take a change in word choice to deliver the same content in a way that doesn’t incite rage.
If I’m reading you correctly, it’s the above—the art of disagreeing without conveying disrespect. This is one of the subjects of the book idea that’s been floating around in my head for a while, which is generally a translation guide for people with very different modes of communication.
The world needs this. Let us know when you have it, or if any of us can help! ;-)
Thanks—I will. It’s about third-tier on my priorities right now (first tier is homework and guitar, second is a game idea), but I suspect that this community will be a good resource when I’m working on it more actively.