Took buproprion for years and while it did help with executive function, I was also half-insane that entire time (literal years from like 2015 to 2021). I guess it was hypomania? And to expand on ‘half-insane’ - one aspect of what I mean is was far too willing to accept ideas on a dime, and accepted background assumptions conspiracy theories made while only questioning their explicit claims. Misinformation feels like information! Overall there was a lack of sense of grounding to base conclusions on in the first place. I will note this still describes me somewhat, but not nearly as bad. Although it is a bit hard to pin down how much of that was a lack of tools and knowledge, a lot of it was an inability to calm down and rest. A brain constantly on the edge of exhaustion and constantly trying to push is in no state to think coherently.
Buproprion also made my anxiety significantly worse—I attribute most of the panic attacks in my life to it. But all this was very hard to notice due to college stress, and after taking it long enough I had just just attributed it to my base personality + existential despair from learning AI risk.
My overall positive experience from it was that it felt like a stronger caffeine.
What ultimately helped depression (not cured but way improved) was * transitioning to female (estrogen in particular has strong positive effects for me within hours, but only when taken via the buccal or sublingual route instead of orally) * stopping buproprion—was frankly not good for my brain for multiple reasons (some listed here) * adderall to treat my (unknown to me until ~2022) ADHD * graduating college and then not having constant stress from college or work deadlines * learning to genuinely rest and enjoy doing nothing (stopping buproprion helped a lot with this). * not constantly trying to come up with ideas and write expansions of them (this behavior mostly stopped when buproprion stopped as well, actually) * eating better (beef in particular is extremely important for some unknown reason) * doing physical therapy to fix upper and lower cross syndrome (took a long time to identify) - sleep is better, less constant muscle tension while laying down * working less than 20 hours a week. (More than that isn’t sustainable for me) * letting my activity be primarily driven by projects shaped like dopamine trails that spawn further dopamine trails instead of todo lists and dependency trees. Where I define 95% of what needs to happen in the moment as a reaction to the shiny thing in front of me—just one more interesting idea to implement this one tiny thing. Contrasted to the next awful task being handed down from various bigger todo lists. * 4 days totally off for every ~8 of work (2 days off is never restful and I have multi-day momentum where I don’t want to stop working on projects) * immense sense of calm safety while cuddling girlfriend (decreases my anxiety an absurd degree)
Also dropping the autistic masking. I didn’t think I did any of this since I’d known I was autistic since gradeschool, and thought I’d actively fought anything shaped like ‘being normal’. The kind of masking was people pleasing—I hadn’t even realized I was doing it so hard. It was completely and utterly out of control. I would simulate conversation trees to notice what things I might say that would induce stress in people, and then explicitly avoid saying those things later. I was unable to intentionally choose to induce stress in another person, and as it turns out that is a massive liability in fact. Because it means anything shaped like being slightly mean on purpose in your personality gets implicitly erased. Which is in fact traumatizing. Or any needs you have that require causing someone a bit of stress just don’t get met. It requires an unending quantity of input energy to accomplish, more and more as you get better at noticing what induces stress and contorting to avoid it. Never intentionally doing harm is completely untenable. It is an utterly unrealistic standard to hold oneself to. One has to intentionally induce some number of harms one is aware of causing beforehand.
But in doing so there’s suddenly room to breathe and live.
I’m very glad you’re in a better place now! It sounds like there was a lot going on for you and agree that, in circumstances like yours, bupropion is probably not the right starting point.
Took buproprion for years and while it did help with executive function, I was also half-insane that entire time (literal years from like 2015 to 2021). I guess it was hypomania? And to expand on ‘half-insane’ - one aspect of what I mean is was far too willing to accept ideas on a dime, and accepted background assumptions conspiracy theories made while only questioning their explicit claims. Misinformation feels like information! Overall there was a lack of sense of grounding to base conclusions on in the first place. I will note this still describes me somewhat, but not nearly as bad. Although it is a bit hard to pin down how much of that was a lack of tools and knowledge, a lot of it was an inability to calm down and rest. A brain constantly on the edge of exhaustion and constantly trying to push is in no state to think coherently.
Buproprion also made my anxiety significantly worse—I attribute most of the panic attacks in my life to it. But all this was very hard to notice due to college stress, and after taking it long enough I had just just attributed it to my base personality + existential despair from learning AI risk.
My overall positive experience from it was that it felt like a stronger caffeine.
What ultimately helped depression (not cured but way improved) was
* transitioning to female (estrogen in particular has strong positive effects for me within hours, but only when taken via the buccal or sublingual route instead of orally)
* stopping buproprion—was frankly not good for my brain for multiple reasons (some listed here)
* adderall to treat my (unknown to me until ~2022) ADHD
* graduating college and then not having constant stress from college or work deadlines
* learning to genuinely rest and enjoy doing nothing (stopping buproprion helped a lot with this).
* not constantly trying to come up with ideas and write expansions of them (this behavior mostly stopped when buproprion stopped as well, actually)
* eating better (beef in particular is extremely important for some unknown reason)
* doing physical therapy to fix upper and lower cross syndrome (took a long time to identify) - sleep is better, less constant muscle tension while laying down
* working less than 20 hours a week. (More than that isn’t sustainable for me)
* letting my activity be primarily driven by projects shaped like dopamine trails that spawn further dopamine trails instead of todo lists and dependency trees. Where I define 95% of what needs to happen in the moment as a reaction to the shiny thing in front of me—just one more interesting idea to implement this one tiny thing. Contrasted to the next awful task being handed down from various bigger todo lists.
* 4 days totally off for every ~8 of work (2 days off is never restful and I have multi-day momentum where I don’t want to stop working on projects)
* immense sense of calm safety while cuddling girlfriend (decreases my anxiety an absurd degree)
Also dropping the autistic masking. I didn’t think I did any of this since I’d known I was autistic since gradeschool, and thought I’d actively fought anything shaped like ‘being normal’. The kind of masking was people pleasing—I hadn’t even realized I was doing it so hard. It was completely and utterly out of control. I would simulate conversation trees to notice what things I might say that would induce stress in people, and then explicitly avoid saying those things later. I was unable to intentionally choose to induce stress in another person, and as it turns out that is a massive liability in fact. Because it means anything shaped like being slightly mean on purpose in your personality gets implicitly erased. Which is in fact traumatizing. Or any needs you have that require causing someone a bit of stress just don’t get met. It requires an unending quantity of input energy to accomplish, more and more as you get better at noticing what induces stress and contorting to avoid it. Never intentionally doing harm is completely untenable. It is an utterly unrealistic standard to hold oneself to. One has to intentionally induce some number of harms one is aware of causing beforehand.
But in doing so there’s suddenly room to breathe and live.
I’m very glad you’re in a better place now! It sounds like there was a lot going on for you and agree that, in circumstances like yours, bupropion is probably not the right starting point.