The definition is debated, but most people in EA agree it’s about utilitarianism, which is essentially just counting up the happiness of everyone together, including yourself. There are different versions of it, but as far as I know none of them ignore your own happiness.
So buying yourself an ice cream may not be “altruistic” in the common sense, but it is utilitarian.
As a community, organising yourself as a hierarchy might be utilitarian when, despite the suffering it may cause, it resolves more suffering outside of the community than it causes. This is probably true to some extent because hierarchies might cause a community to get more done, with the smartest people making the decisions.
(To be clear, I don’t think naive hedonic utilitarianism is a very good idea, and represents human values very well, and I would not say that “most people in EA” believe otherwise. I think it’s somewhat of a schelling position, but that I would guess most people have one of a large variety of positions on the precise nature of human value)
I just think we have to be careful to not get lost in our own egos.
What do you mean with ego?