Agreed—I was mildly interested with the first line, much more interested with the second paragraph. I’d condense it to:
No way do you have 500 words. You have about 30 seconds. Forget about disrupting biases for a moment—you are a salesperson making a difficult sale with the odds stacked heavily against you. Your goal is to obtain more attention and face time.
(Long winded communication is a problem of mine, which I should be doing more to correct)
Some changes to tighten it up a bit. Wiggle words aren’t good hooks, and they rarely add useful information content:
You don’t get 500 words. You get 30 seconds. Forget about disrupting biases—you are a salesperson making a difficult sale with the odds stacked heavily against you. Your goal is to obtain more attention and face time.
Also re-arranged the flow somewhat in the third and fourth sentences, but I think that’s iffier:
You don’t get 500 words. You get 30 seconds. Forget about disrupting biases—your goal is to obtain more attention and face time. You are a salesperson making a difficult sale with the odds stacked heavily against you.
Agreed—I was mildly interested with the first line, much more interested with the second paragraph. I’d condense it to:
(Long winded communication is a problem of mine, which I should be doing more to correct)
Some changes to tighten it up a bit. Wiggle words aren’t good hooks, and they rarely add useful information content:
Also re-arranged the flow somewhat in the third and fourth sentences, but I think that’s iffier:
Very interesting. Thanks for the comments! I apologize to homunq for unintentionally hijacking the post.