Congratulations. I’m sorry what’s so easy for many people (sex, I mean—everything else is hard) used to be so difficult for you.
Would you have described things differently midway through (or, did you, when confiding in real time)?
What seemed like tension between what you wanted and what your partner wanted would have concerned most of us, were we not hearing the fait accompli “contended ending” version. It seems like this tension existed between parts of you, and that your conscious decision was to override those parts and allow yourself to be pulled by your attachment to your partner (from the very beginning, you planned to do so with someone).
You must have learned how to communicate about difficult things, openly. It must have been quite hard for both of you, but along the way, a reservoir of investment, affection, trust, love, fear-of-loss, whatever, must have filled. I think sometimes giving up on “us” is absolutely the wisest decision (there will always be others!) but in hindsight you don’t want such advice. I think the idea that you had to make it work with someone first (even as that chosen person becomes specifically significant) was a good guess.
I’d like to think that you could have developed deep non-family relationships even if you weren’t able to be “normal”, but of course it’s good that you were able to become more typical in a way that you enjoy—it means more opportunity in general and a more compatible relationship with your current partner.
I think sometimes giving up on “us” is absolutely the wisest decision (there will always be others!) but in hindsight you don’t want such advice.
Absolutely. But there were a couple of reasons (which I reluctantly repeated to myself at the time, when I really wanted to give up. (One) If I gave up this time, there probably wouldn’t be another time. The initial stages (i.e. first 5 months) of the relationship were disruptive enough to my routines that I found it exhausting. I wasn’t emotionally bothered by the thought of being the 40-year-old virgin, but I also didn’t want that to become the outcome by default. I think my thought was “if I can make it work once, I’ll have the confidence to make it happen again if I have to.” (Two) Various people told me, and I had to admit, that Billy was approximately the best guy I would find for this, in terms of agreeing with lots of my values (thriftiness, physical fitness, etc) so that there was less to fight about, and also in terms of sheer patience and willingness to talk about and work on my problems. I think a lot of guys have been socialized NOT to talk about these things openly, which would have made it nearly impossible to solve the problems that we did.
Congratulations. I’m sorry what’s so easy for many people (sex, I mean—everything else is hard) used to be so difficult for you.
Would you have described things differently midway through (or, did you, when confiding in real time)?
What seemed like tension between what you wanted and what your partner wanted would have concerned most of us, were we not hearing the fait accompli “contended ending” version. It seems like this tension existed between parts of you, and that your conscious decision was to override those parts and allow yourself to be pulled by your attachment to your partner (from the very beginning, you planned to do so with someone).
You must have learned how to communicate about difficult things, openly. It must have been quite hard for both of you, but along the way, a reservoir of investment, affection, trust, love, fear-of-loss, whatever, must have filled. I think sometimes giving up on “us” is absolutely the wisest decision (there will always be others!) but in hindsight you don’t want such advice. I think the idea that you had to make it work with someone first (even as that chosen person becomes specifically significant) was a good guess.
I’d like to think that you could have developed deep non-family relationships even if you weren’t able to be “normal”, but of course it’s good that you were able to become more typical in a way that you enjoy—it means more opportunity in general and a more compatible relationship with your current partner.
Absolutely. But there were a couple of reasons (which I reluctantly repeated to myself at the time, when I really wanted to give up. (One) If I gave up this time, there probably wouldn’t be another time. The initial stages (i.e. first 5 months) of the relationship were disruptive enough to my routines that I found it exhausting. I wasn’t emotionally bothered by the thought of being the 40-year-old virgin, but I also didn’t want that to become the outcome by default. I think my thought was “if I can make it work once, I’ll have the confidence to make it happen again if I have to.” (Two) Various people told me, and I had to admit, that Billy was approximately the best guy I would find for this, in terms of agreeing with lots of my values (thriftiness, physical fitness, etc) so that there was less to fight about, and also in terms of sheer patience and willingness to talk about and work on my problems. I think a lot of guys have been socialized NOT to talk about these things openly, which would have made it nearly impossible to solve the problems that we did.