if you experience my comments as hard to face, then that becomes my problem too. Because I want to have this discussion with you
Yes, that makes sense. I often do some of this, too.
Sometimes there’s a recursive problem that I haven’t figured out how to deal with, when someone is demanding narcissistic ego supply as a precondition for talking, and I don’t see any way to comply while still making progress in the conversation, because the specific thing I want to talk about is how it’s bad to demand narcissistic ego supply as a precondition for talking.
But there’s an implicit “I shouldn’t address it head on”
My strategy has mostly been to address it an a meta-discourse post like this one, or inmymemoirsequence. The reason to stick to the object-level in the moment is because I anticipate that addressing it head-on would just immediately deadlock. There’s nowhere to recover from “You’re being unfair”, “No, you’re being unfair”.
Sometimes there’s a recursive problem that I haven’t figured out how to deal with, when someone is demanding narcissistic ego supply as a precondition for talking, and I don’t see any way to comply while still making progress in the conversation, because the specific thing I want to talk about is how it’s bad to demand narcissistic ego supply as a precondition for talking.
Haha, yeah. It’s a tricky one for sure. And really tedious. And believe me, I feel ya on this. “Demanding narcissistic ego supply” makes it sound really pathological, which it is, but it’s also something that’s essentially ubiquitous. Especially when you get to the truths that matter most. Figuring out how to deal with this from the inside and out is something I think is of utmost importance for rational thinking both on the individual and communal level.
I spent a while talking to a woman with pretty serious BPD as an exercise in figuring out how to talk to people who are difficult in this way. It was difficult, and required being very meticulous with my wording, but eventually I did figure it out. Also, eventually the effort paid off in clearing some room for less sensitive interactions. By the time I felt I had learned what I needed to learn and we drifted apart, I was able to laugh at her for stuff that would make most people freak out, and she’d laugh with me because she realized she had been a bit silly.
This isn’t to say “you should do this” because again, tedious and all that, but it’s nice knowing that there is a way to go about it for when it’s worth the effort.
My strategy has mostly been to address it an a meta-discourse post like this one, or in my memoir sequence. The reason to stick to the object-level in the moment is because I anticipate that addressing it head-on would just immediately deadlock. There’s nowhere to recover from “You’re being unfair”, “No, you’re being unfair”.
Yeah, I agree that posts like these are valuable. And also that addressing it head on is… problematic, at the moment. I think there are times when it can be worthwhile, but the battles have to be both picked and fought very carefully.
(PM’d.)
Yes, that makes sense. I often do some of this, too.
Sometimes there’s a recursive problem that I haven’t figured out how to deal with, when someone is demanding narcissistic ego supply as a precondition for talking, and I don’t see any way to comply while still making progress in the conversation, because the specific thing I want to talk about is how it’s bad to demand narcissistic ego supply as a precondition for talking.
My strategy has mostly been to address it an a meta-discourse post like this one, or in my memoir sequence. The reason to stick to the object-level in the moment is because I anticipate that addressing it head-on would just immediately deadlock. There’s nowhere to recover from “You’re being unfair”, “No, you’re being unfair”.
Haha, yeah. It’s a tricky one for sure. And really tedious. And believe me, I feel ya on this. “Demanding narcissistic ego supply” makes it sound really pathological, which it is, but it’s also something that’s essentially ubiquitous. Especially when you get to the truths that matter most. Figuring out how to deal with this from the inside and out is something I think is of utmost importance for rational thinking both on the individual and communal level.
I spent a while talking to a woman with pretty serious BPD as an exercise in figuring out how to talk to people who are difficult in this way. It was difficult, and required being very meticulous with my wording, but eventually I did figure it out. Also, eventually the effort paid off in clearing some room for less sensitive interactions. By the time I felt I had learned what I needed to learn and we drifted apart, I was able to laugh at her for stuff that would make most people freak out, and she’d laugh with me because she realized she had been a bit silly.
This isn’t to say “you should do this” because again, tedious and all that, but it’s nice knowing that there is a way to go about it for when it’s worth the effort.
Yeah, I agree that posts like these are valuable. And also that addressing it head on is… problematic, at the moment. I think there are times when it can be worthwhile, but the battles have to be both picked and fought very carefully.