I want there to be a way to trade action for knowledge- to credibly claim I won’t get upset or tell anyone if a lizardman admits their secret to me- but obviously the lizardman wouldn’t know that I could be trusted to keep to that,
The thing people are generally trying to avoid, when hiding their socially disapproved of traits, isn’t so much “People are going to see me for what I am”, but that they won’t.
Imagine you and your wife are into BDSM, and it’s a completely healthy and consensual thing—at least, so far as you see. Then imagine your aunt says “You can tell me if you’re one of those BDSM perverts. I won’t tell anybody, nor will I get upset if you’re that degenerate”. You’re still probably not going to be inclined to tell her, because even if she’s telling the truth about what she won’t do, she’s still telling you that she’s already written the bottom line that BDSM folks are “degenerate perverts”. She’s still going to see you differently, and she’s still shown that her stance gives her no room for understanding what you do or why, so her input—hostile or not—cannot be of use.
In contrast, imagine your other aunt tells you about how her friends relationship benefitted a lot from BDSM dynamics which match your own quite well, and then mentions that they stopped doing it because of a more subtle issue that was causing problems they hadn’t recognized. Imagine your aunt goes on to say “This is why I’ve always been opposed to BDSM. It can be so much fun, and healthy and massively beneficial in the short term, but the longer term hidden risks just aren’t worth it”. That aunt sounds worth talking to, even if she might give pushback that the other aunt promised not to. It would be empathetic pushback, coming from a place of actually understanding what you do and why you do it. Instead of feeling written off and misunderstood, you feel seen and heard—warts and all. And that kind of “I got your back, and I care who you are even if you’re not perfect” response is the kind of response you want to get from someone you open up to.
So for lizardmen, you’d probably want to start by understanding why they wouldn’t be so inclined to show their true faces to most people. You’d want to be someone who can say “Oh yeah, I get that. If I were you I’d be doing the same thing” for whatever you think their motivation might be, even if you are going to push back on their plans to exterminate humanity or whatever. And you might want to consider whether “lizardmen” really captures what’s going on or if it’s functioning in the way “pervert” does for your hypothetical aunt.
The thing people are generally trying to avoid, when hiding their socially disapproved of traits, isn’t so much “People are going to see me for what I am”, but that they won’t.
Imagine you and your wife are into BDSM, and it’s a completely healthy and consensual thing—at least, so far as you see. Then imagine your aunt says “You can tell me if you’re one of those BDSM perverts. I won’t tell anybody, nor will I get upset if you’re that degenerate”. You’re still probably not going to be inclined to tell her, because even if she’s telling the truth about what she won’t do, she’s still telling you that she’s already written the bottom line that BDSM folks are “degenerate perverts”. She’s still going to see you differently, and she’s still shown that her stance gives her no room for understanding what you do or why, so her input—hostile or not—cannot be of use.
In contrast, imagine your other aunt tells you about how her friends relationship benefitted a lot from BDSM dynamics which match your own quite well, and then mentions that they stopped doing it because of a more subtle issue that was causing problems they hadn’t recognized. Imagine your aunt goes on to say “This is why I’ve always been opposed to BDSM. It can be so much fun, and healthy and massively beneficial in the short term, but the longer term hidden risks just aren’t worth it”. That aunt sounds worth talking to, even if she might give pushback that the other aunt promised not to. It would be empathetic pushback, coming from a place of actually understanding what you do and why you do it. Instead of feeling written off and misunderstood, you feel seen and heard—warts and all. And that kind of “I got your back, and I care who you are even if you’re not perfect” response is the kind of response you want to get from someone you open up to.
So for lizardmen, you’d probably want to start by understanding why they wouldn’t be so inclined to show their true faces to most people. You’d want to be someone who can say “Oh yeah, I get that. If I were you I’d be doing the same thing” for whatever you think their motivation might be, even if you are going to push back on their plans to exterminate humanity or whatever. And you might want to consider whether “lizardmen” really captures what’s going on or if it’s functioning in the way “pervert” does for your hypothetical aunt.