Not precommitting to be on my own before making a major life decision.
I once bought something in an New York shop through high-pressure sales. I looked at it and said something about how I would like to have it but I couldn’t nearly afford it, and he asked me how much I would pay for it. Foolishly, I named a price; he looked insulted and said that it was far too low. I tried to explain that that was what I meant, that I couldn’t afford it at any reasonable price, but he skilfully turned it into haggling, and I walked out with the thing and considerably poorer. I then resolved never to buy anything expensive without leaving the shop first, so I could just walk off if I changed my mind.
Many years later, I met up with my girlfriend’s girlfriend for dinner and drinks so we could discuss whether it would work for her to move in with us. There were a lot of warning signs that it wouldn’t, to say the least. I pressed her on things that were worrying me, and got wholly unsatisfactory answers. But we very often had good and enjoyable conversations, and this was one of those times. So at the end she sort of said “OK, that’s all great, shall we announce online that I’m moving in?” and it wasn’t easy to say no. The result was very costly for all of us; it was definitely the biggest and most predictable mistake of my last decade.
Going into such a conversation another time, I’d have said well in advance that I wouldn’t be making any decisions until the next day, when I was on my own. I think there’s every chance that that simple precaution would have saved untold suffering and money for all concerned.
I had a related problem: performing a test without visualizing each of the potential outcomes.
I had been dating a guy long distance for about three months, and we were planning on moving in together. I had some reservations; my visits out there had been pleasant, but I wasn’t sure that getting along for ~5 days at a time was that predictive of how well we would get along living together, and I had a bunch of specific doubts (such as his ability to have a difficult conversation in a way I felt comfortable with). I thought to myself “the way to deal with these worries is to give him a call.” I did not think to myself “what would lead to me believing these worries, and calling off moving in together?” (Mistake 1.)
So, I call him, mention that I’m having some doubts and he explodes; everything’s going terribly, and now also his boyfriend might be dumping him, and so I reassure him that I’m not dumping him and we’re still moving in together, and that I had just been calling for reassurance. (This is why the mistake feels related: I made the decision during a high-pressure environment.) The call ends, and I realize “well, shit; that’s basically confirmed my worries, and if I had planned ahead I would have known to call it off when he exploded.” Then Mistake 2 happened: “I’ve already said we’re going ahead with it, so I can’t call him back and break up with him now.”
Not precommitting to be on my own before making a major life decision.
I once bought something in an New York shop through high-pressure sales. I looked at it and said something about how I would like to have it but I couldn’t nearly afford it, and he asked me how much I would pay for it. Foolishly, I named a price; he looked insulted and said that it was far too low. I tried to explain that that was what I meant, that I couldn’t afford it at any reasonable price, but he skilfully turned it into haggling, and I walked out with the thing and considerably poorer. I then resolved never to buy anything expensive without leaving the shop first, so I could just walk off if I changed my mind.
Many years later, I met up with my girlfriend’s girlfriend for dinner and drinks so we could discuss whether it would work for her to move in with us. There were a lot of warning signs that it wouldn’t, to say the least. I pressed her on things that were worrying me, and got wholly unsatisfactory answers. But we very often had good and enjoyable conversations, and this was one of those times. So at the end she sort of said “OK, that’s all great, shall we announce online that I’m moving in?” and it wasn’t easy to say no. The result was very costly for all of us; it was definitely the biggest and most predictable mistake of my last decade.
Going into such a conversation another time, I’d have said well in advance that I wouldn’t be making any decisions until the next day, when I was on my own. I think there’s every chance that that simple precaution would have saved untold suffering and money for all concerned.
I had a related problem: performing a test without visualizing each of the potential outcomes.
I had been dating a guy long distance for about three months, and we were planning on moving in together. I had some reservations; my visits out there had been pleasant, but I wasn’t sure that getting along for ~5 days at a time was that predictive of how well we would get along living together, and I had a bunch of specific doubts (such as his ability to have a difficult conversation in a way I felt comfortable with). I thought to myself “the way to deal with these worries is to give him a call.” I did not think to myself “what would lead to me believing these worries, and calling off moving in together?” (Mistake 1.)
So, I call him, mention that I’m having some doubts and he explodes; everything’s going terribly, and now also his boyfriend might be dumping him, and so I reassure him that I’m not dumping him and we’re still moving in together, and that I had just been calling for reassurance. (This is why the mistake feels related: I made the decision during a high-pressure environment.) The call ends, and I realize “well, shit; that’s basically confirmed my worries, and if I had planned ahead I would have known to call it off when he exploded.” Then Mistake 2 happened: “I’ve already said we’re going ahead with it, so I can’t call him back and break up with him now.”
(We broke up 3 months into a 12 month lease.)