First: you’re above-average for an undergraduate already. This is a good essay. My suggestions are quite picky. Most adults can’t satisfy me.
You seem motivated. You should definitely ask the opinion of people who are unfamiliar with HPMoR, though. If they don’t understand, I’d stick with the answer you believe in, but you should be able to figure out what context you need to provide so that you’ll be understood by your average seen-a-few-HP-movies adult.
The website fanfiction.net is a questionably legal slum of derivative literature, mostly populated by uninspired, cliched variations of popular novels. Unexpectedly, however, it hosts a few stories capable of deeply affecting an open minded reader.
I dislike this. Stilted. Apologizing. Take us straight to what moved you about this one, or describe bad fan fiction more colorfully (e.g. acknowledge a specific expectation we might have, perhaps of Hermione on Draco action).
Unexectedly, however,
Just one of these will do fine :) No need for both.
But Harry didn’t just
There are no hard rules, but a paragraph starting with “But” is jarring—especially when the previous sentence also lead with “But”.
taught me to look up at the heavens, the stars blazing …
Your grammar suggests that you’re looking up with the stars, not at them (though nobody will misunderstand your intent).
mostly … highly … quite a bit of … so many … often
Remove those words. If you still agree with the result, leave them out.
cites studies in cognitive psychology (inspiring me to do quite a bit of research on my own)
Sounds like you performed some studies!
He designs and performs experiments and believes in his own ability to find truths
Unwieldy. I’d first talk about his confidence in science and reason, and then describe his success in applying it to unasked questions and neglected opportunities in magic.
You may wish to lead with a high-level summary of the conceit of HPMoR (as opposed to canonical HP): magic+rationality beats magic alone.
for at least a solid five minutes .
try simpler: for five minutes. for five uninterrupted minutes. for five minutes straight. for a solid five minutes. for at least five minutes.
That. That; that.
I don’t mind sentences that are fragments (joining with the “he taught me …” earlier). It’s odd to use a period and a semicolon to separate 3 things in a list, though. You repeat “He taught me that” in the next sentence, which is fine if you like how it sounds.
That the sad things about being human may not be immutable;
I’d strike that part entirely. It’s strong enough to just say:
that we can challenge the big problems, like disease, aging, and perhaps even death.
Consider emphasizing that he (Harry/Eliezer) didn’t actually constructively show you a way to live forever or colonize the galaxy, but that you, swayed by their argument and example, think it’s a hope worth pursuing; that there’s science to be done; that it’s worth trying, no matter that success depends on solutions and obstacles yet undiscovered. (There’s just a small chance that someone unfamiliar with the material might misunderstand you if you don’t make such a clarification.)
Harry didn’t just guide me towards my future; he gave me hope.
This actually makes sense. It’s just vague at this point. The obvious question is: hope in what? That some goal you had before is reachable? It caused a feeling of “hope”? After reading through, I think it’s that you’re not just inspired to choose a career for yourself; you’re inspired to dream of a better future for humanity, and to work for it.
First: you’re above-average for an undergraduate already. This is a good essay. My suggestions are quite picky. Most adults can’t satisfy me.
You seem motivated. You should definitely ask the opinion of people who are unfamiliar with HPMoR, though. If they don’t understand, I’d stick with the answer you believe in, but you should be able to figure out what context you need to provide so that you’ll be understood by your average seen-a-few-HP-movies adult.
I dislike this. Stilted. Apologizing. Take us straight to what moved you about this one, or describe bad fan fiction more colorfully (e.g. acknowledge a specific expectation we might have, perhaps of Hermione on Draco action).
Just one of these will do fine :) No need for both.
There are no hard rules, but a paragraph starting with “But” is jarring—especially when the previous sentence also lead with “But”.
Your grammar suggests that you’re looking up with the stars, not at them (though nobody will misunderstand your intent).
Remove those words. If you still agree with the result, leave them out.
Sounds like you performed some studies!
Unwieldy. I’d first talk about his confidence in science and reason, and then describe his success in applying it to unasked questions and neglected opportunities in magic.
You may wish to lead with a high-level summary of the conceit of HPMoR (as opposed to canonical HP): magic+rationality beats magic alone.
try simpler: for five minutes. for five uninterrupted minutes. for five minutes straight. for a solid five minutes. for at least five minutes.
I don’t mind sentences that are fragments (joining with the “he taught me …” earlier). It’s odd to use a period and a semicolon to separate 3 things in a list, though. You repeat “He taught me that” in the next sentence, which is fine if you like how it sounds.
I’d strike that part entirely. It’s strong enough to just say:
Consider emphasizing that he (Harry/Eliezer) didn’t actually constructively show you a way to live forever or colonize the galaxy, but that you, swayed by their argument and example, think it’s a hope worth pursuing; that there’s science to be done; that it’s worth trying, no matter that success depends on solutions and obstacles yet undiscovered. (There’s just a small chance that someone unfamiliar with the material might misunderstand you if you don’t make such a clarification.)
This actually makes sense. It’s just vague at this point. The obvious question is: hope in what? That some goal you had before is reachable? It caused a feeling of “hope”? After reading through, I think it’s that you’re not just inspired to choose a career for yourself; you’re inspired to dream of a better future for humanity, and to work for it.