Can confirm, I also didn’t have good experience with open-ended questions on dating apps. I get more responses with binary choice questions that invite elaboration, e.g. “Are you living here or just visiting?” and “How was your Friday night, did you go out or stay in?”.
Outside of dating, another example that comes to my mind are questions like “What’s your favorite movie?”. I now avoid the “what’s your favorite” questions because they require the respondent to assess their entire life history and make a revealing choice as if I’m giving them a personality test – not everyone is prepared and vulnerable enough to do that. It’s also impossible to decline to answer without coming along as impolite (“I’m not telling you”) or unsophisticated (“I don’t really have a favorite”).
Instead, I ask “Did you watch any interesting movies recently?”, and sometimes add a justification for the question that lowers the stakes (“I’m looking for something new to watch”). This allows the respondent to either answer something their memory readily gives them right away, or simply answer “Not really”, in which case I might reply with something I’ve seen recently and recommend it.
Yeah nice. A statement like “I’m looking for something new to watch” lowers the stakes by making the interaction more like what friends talk about rather than about an interview for a life partner, increasing the probability that they’ll respond rather than pausing for a second and ending up tapping away.
You can do even more than just lowering the stakes if you inject a sense that you’re subconsciously using the next couple conversation moves to draw out evidence about the conversation partner, because you’re naturally perceptive and have various standards and ideas about people you like to date, and you like to get a sense of who the other person is.
If done well, this builds a curious sense that the question is a bit more than just making formulaic conversation, but somehow has momentum to it. The best motivation for someone to keep talking to you on a dating app is if they feel they’re being seen by a savvy evaluator who will reflect back a valuable perspective about them. The person talking to you can then be subconsciously thinking about how attractive/interesting/unique/etc they are (an engaging experience). Also, everyone wants to feel like they’re maximizing their potential by finding someone to date who’s in the upper range of their “league”, and there are ways to engage in conversation that are more consistent with that ideal.
IMO the best type of conversation to have after a few opening back&forths, is to get them talking about something they find engaging, which is generally also something that reflects them in a good light, which makes it fun and engaging for them while also putting you in a position to give a type of casual “feedback”, ultimately leading up to a statement of interest which shows them why you’re not just another random match but rather someone they have more reason to meet and not flake on. Your movie question could be a good start toward discovering something like that, but probably not an example of that unless they’re a big movie person.
I’d try to look at their profile to clues of something they do in their life where they make an effort that someone ought to notice and appreciate, and get em talking about that.
Those are just some thoughts I have about how to distinguish yourself in the middle part of the conversation between opening interest and asking them on a date.
Can confirm, I also didn’t have good experience with open-ended questions on dating apps. I get more responses with binary choice questions that invite elaboration, e.g. “Are you living here or just visiting?” and “How was your Friday night, did you go out or stay in?”.
Outside of dating, another example that comes to my mind are questions like “What’s your favorite movie?”. I now avoid the “what’s your favorite” questions because they require the respondent to assess their entire life history and make a revealing choice as if I’m giving them a personality test – not everyone is prepared and vulnerable enough to do that. It’s also impossible to decline to answer without coming along as impolite (“I’m not telling you”) or unsophisticated (“I don’t really have a favorite”).
Instead, I ask “Did you watch any interesting movies recently?”, and sometimes add a justification for the question that lowers the stakes (“I’m looking for something new to watch”). This allows the respondent to either answer something their memory readily gives them right away, or simply answer “Not really”, in which case I might reply with something I’ve seen recently and recommend it.
Yeah nice. A statement like “I’m looking for something new to watch” lowers the stakes by making the interaction more like what friends talk about rather than about an interview for a life partner, increasing the probability that they’ll respond rather than pausing for a second and ending up tapping away.
You can do even more than just lowering the stakes if you inject a sense that you’re subconsciously using the next couple conversation moves to draw out evidence about the conversation partner, because you’re naturally perceptive and have various standards and ideas about people you like to date, and you like to get a sense of who the other person is.
If done well, this builds a curious sense that the question is a bit more than just making formulaic conversation, but somehow has momentum to it. The best motivation for someone to keep talking to you on a dating app is if they feel they’re being seen by a savvy evaluator who will reflect back a valuable perspective about them. The person talking to you can then be subconsciously thinking about how attractive/interesting/unique/etc they are (an engaging experience). Also, everyone wants to feel like they’re maximizing their potential by finding someone to date who’s in the upper range of their “league”, and there are ways to engage in conversation that are more consistent with that ideal.
IMO the best type of conversation to have after a few opening back&forths, is to get them talking about something they find engaging, which is generally also something that reflects them in a good light, which makes it fun and engaging for them while also putting you in a position to give a type of casual “feedback”, ultimately leading up to a statement of interest which shows them why you’re not just another random match but rather someone they have more reason to meet and not flake on. Your movie question could be a good start toward discovering something like that, but probably not an example of that unless they’re a big movie person.
I’d try to look at their profile to clues of something they do in their life where they make an effort that someone ought to notice and appreciate, and get em talking about that.
Those are just some thoughts I have about how to distinguish yourself in the middle part of the conversation between opening interest and asking them on a date.