I do like the honesty in your question, and reading it does remind me a bit about myself. Even though what you are describing sounds like more than what I am naming here—parts of it sounds like you are a creative person, and an intelligent one. A part of being creative is having ideas spontaneously. I do not believe there is a one-size-fits all in this department. A violin-teacher and an ex-partner, both stayed up late. They noticed that they had ideas in bed or at night, and forgot them in the morning. So, they wrote them down then and there. I’m not sure that can work for you, but I’m still letting you know.
The other part about intelligence, that it might seem like if you are intelligent you filter out more. I believe this is dependent on your personality-type which information is filtered out, but it might also be a sign that you are changing fast, and what you have learnt so far isn’t working, so you are making room for something new. This assumption is also based loosely on the start of the other post you wrote, (I read a bit), as growing up with narcissism is no joke, no fucking joke, and is not conducive to clear thought. The logic there would be that you are expecting too much of yourself, all the time, that even when you actually do think something clearly—it isn’t clear enough, and it is drowned in emotional-reactionary noise.
I can relate to returning to concepts, with a vague and undefined problem, over and over again. In my life it has shown to not be a sign of wasted energy, but simply a natural process of focusing on meta-problems. If you are doing the same, it might be a kind of important meaning/sense making background process. And so you are using some of your energy on trying to solve a complex problem, and you are doing it every day.
you are expecting too much of yourself, all the time, that even when you actually do think something clearly—it isn’t clear enough, and it is drowned in emotional-reactionary noise.
This sounds pretty accurate. I am an extreme perfectionist. I tend to get lost in details (which I hate—in general, I hate details! but I still get lost in them!) trying to reach some unknown standard of “good enough” that is totally unmoored from reality. It’s particularly a problem on here, since I feel less intelligent than most other LessWrongers, or at least less rigorous of a thinker, and feel like I have to figure out how to say everything in a Smart Like Eliezer sort of way before I have the “right” to post. And I’m just… not like that. I’m a poet, not an engineer lol.
Yeah, I can relate to the general feeling—but not quite the particular comparison, since I haven’t been here very long and have already earned down-votes on my posts—So, that should be a clear signal I am not close to Eliezer or some kind of minimum entry level yet.
Its not like I do not have high standards and—ambitions, but then I am aware of my comparatively big weaknesses and limitations as well. Growing up getting compared to others, without actually doing it in my favour or even to my contemporaries, has taken me many years to heal. Sadly, if you have been hurt like it seems you have, you are starting out harder than someone with just slightly better parents. You physical health and your psychic health might be worse than you want to admit, and you might not want to ask for help or support. That you are here, showing yourself—Even though it is only from the keyboard sidelines, I want you to feel seen and heard.
I’m not someone who likes to wallow in my suffering and feel sorry for myself / like a victim, so you don’t have to worry about me needing to feel “seen and heard”—though I do appreciate your care and concern! What I really want is to become good enough, not to be given a handicap or treated like I’m innately less capable because of things that happened to me.
I agree, I am not feeling sorry for you. And I am not urging you to give yourself a handicap or to keep an excuse lying around in case you need it.
What I am pointing out, is that if you have lived in a less than ideal environment, there will probably have been some damages. And to not hide from discovering your weaknesses and limitations, as knowing them is not only part of who you are and makes you more human, but it also helps you make better plans and find out what actually works for you, instead of insisting on trying what should work for you. If you are different, the standard approach might not work as the ‘book’ says.
And that is not feeling sorry for yourself. That is digging out any courage you have to face the music about what life so far has done to you, in detail. Sorrow, pain, hurt, depression and feeling dejected… - is the natural and healthy reaction to seeing/feeling inner mayhem. Giving yourself care, warmth and understanding is not feeling sorry for youself, but actually giving your wounds space to heal, increases your well-being and makes it so that you have more focus and energy long term. It is acknowledging that any wound, physical, psychological, emotional and relational, not only needs time, but a certain environment to heal.
Not that you actually said otherwise.. Guess I just got worked up, sorry about that. I hope you create you inner good enough too, whatever that might look like.
Hello MSRayne,
I do like the honesty in your question, and reading it does remind me a bit about myself. Even though what you are describing sounds like more than what I am naming here—parts of it sounds like you are a creative person, and an intelligent one. A part of being creative is having ideas spontaneously. I do not believe there is a one-size-fits all in this department.
A violin-teacher and an ex-partner, both stayed up late. They noticed that they had ideas in bed or at night, and forgot them in the morning. So, they wrote them down then and there. I’m not sure that can work for you, but I’m still letting you know.
The other part about intelligence, that it might seem like if you are intelligent you filter out more. I believe this is dependent on your personality-type which information is filtered out, but it might also be a sign that you are changing fast, and what you have learnt so far isn’t working, so you are making room for something new. This assumption is also based loosely on the start of the other post you wrote, (I read a bit), as
growing up with narcissism is no joke, no fucking joke, and is not conducive to clear thought. The logic there would be that you are expecting too much of yourself, all the time, that even when you actually do think something clearly—it isn’t clear enough, and it is drowned in emotional-reactionary noise.
I can relate to returning to concepts, with a vague and undefined problem, over and over again. In my life it has shown to not be a sign of wasted energy, but simply a natural process of focusing on meta-problems. If you are doing the same, it might be a kind of important meaning/sense making background process. And so you are using some of your energy on trying to solve a complex problem, and you are doing it every day.
This sounds pretty accurate. I am an extreme perfectionist. I tend to get lost in details (which I hate—in general, I hate details! but I still get lost in them!) trying to reach some unknown standard of “good enough” that is totally unmoored from reality. It’s particularly a problem on here, since I feel less intelligent than most other LessWrongers, or at least less rigorous of a thinker, and feel like I have to figure out how to say everything in a Smart Like Eliezer sort of way before I have the “right” to post. And I’m just… not like that. I’m a poet, not an engineer lol.
Yeah, I can relate to the general feeling—but not quite the particular comparison, since I haven’t been here very long and have already earned down-votes on my posts—So, that should be a clear signal I am not close to Eliezer or some kind of minimum entry level yet.
Its not like I do not have high standards and—ambitions, but then I am aware of my comparatively big weaknesses and limitations as well. Growing up getting compared to others, without actually doing it in my favour or even to my contemporaries, has taken me many years to heal. Sadly, if you have been hurt like it seems you have, you are starting out harder than someone with just slightly better parents. You physical health and your psychic health might be worse than you want to admit, and you might not want to ask for help or support. That you are here, showing yourself—Even though it is only from the keyboard sidelines, I want you to feel seen and heard.
I’m not someone who likes to wallow in my suffering and feel sorry for myself / like a victim, so you don’t have to worry about me needing to feel “seen and heard”—though I do appreciate your care and concern! What I really want is to become good enough, not to be given a handicap or treated like I’m innately less capable because of things that happened to me.
I agree, I am not feeling sorry for you. And I am not urging you to give yourself a handicap or to keep an excuse lying around in case you need it.
What I am pointing out, is that if you have lived in a less than ideal environment, there will probably have been some damages. And to not hide from discovering your weaknesses and limitations, as knowing them is not only part of who you are and makes you more human, but it also helps you make better plans and find out what actually works for you, instead of insisting on trying what should work for you. If you are different, the standard approach might not work as the ‘book’ says.
And that is not feeling sorry for yourself. That is digging out any courage you have to face the music about what life so far has done to you, in detail. Sorrow, pain, hurt, depression and feeling dejected… - is the natural and healthy reaction to seeing/feeling inner mayhem.
Giving yourself care, warmth and understanding is not feeling sorry for youself, but actually giving your wounds space to heal, increases your well-being and makes it so that you have more focus and energy long term. It is acknowledging that any wound, physical, psychological, emotional and relational, not only needs time, but a certain environment to heal.
Not that you actually said otherwise.. Guess I just got worked up, sorry about that. I hope you create you inner good enough too, whatever that might look like.