So while your point is mostly true, I want to highlight there are some situations where simply asking people to respect your food norms is a problem, and they mostly arise in a specific sort of culture that is especially communal with regard to food and sees you as part of the ingroup.
For example, it’s a traditional upper-class Anglo norm that it’s rude to put your hosts out by asking them to make you something special to accommodate your diet. You’re expected to get along and eat what everyone else eats. You will be accommodated if you ask, but you will also be substantial downgraded in how willing to get along you are, and you’ll be a less desired dinner guest, and thus get fewer invites and be less in.
I’ve heard of similar issues in some East Asian cultures where going vegan is seen as an affront to the family. “What do you mean you won’t eat my cooking?!? Do you think you’re better than your mother???!”
The problem is that food is tied with group membership, and you’re expected to eat the same food as the rest of the ingroup. If you’re not a rare outsider guest, you’ll be seen as defecting on group cohesion.
But most Westerners are not part of cultures like these. Western culture is highly atomized, and everyone is seen as a unique individual, so it’s not unusual that individuals might have unique food needs, and it becomes polite and a sign of a good host to accommodate everybody. But this is historically an unusual norm to have within the ingroup.
It is indeed rude to ask your hosts to make you something special to accommodate your diet. That’s why I don’t do it. This is part of how I try to not be a problem for other people. If I’m not expecting vegetarian options, I just eat in advance and then nibble on the bread or something. I did this around Anglos even back when I ate a normal diet, because Anglos often serve so little food.
My East Asian family doesn’t see it as an affront (though I can’t speak for everyone—especially not anyone under the age of 18). To the contrary, it’s a source of common ground between me and my vegetarian Pure Land Buddhist Taiwanese great aunt. It’s just about getting the right framing. East Asians understand that Buddhists often eat a vegan diet.
So while your point is mostly true, I want to highlight there are some situations where simply asking people to respect your food norms is a problem, and they mostly arise in a specific sort of culture that is especially communal with regard to food and sees you as part of the ingroup.
For example, it’s a traditional upper-class Anglo norm that it’s rude to put your hosts out by asking them to make you something special to accommodate your diet. You’re expected to get along and eat what everyone else eats. You will be accommodated if you ask, but you will also be substantial downgraded in how willing to get along you are, and you’ll be a less desired dinner guest, and thus get fewer invites and be less in.
I’ve heard of similar issues in some East Asian cultures where going vegan is seen as an affront to the family. “What do you mean you won’t eat my cooking?!? Do you think you’re better than your mother???!”
The problem is that food is tied with group membership, and you’re expected to eat the same food as the rest of the ingroup. If you’re not a rare outsider guest, you’ll be seen as defecting on group cohesion.
But most Westerners are not part of cultures like these. Western culture is highly atomized, and everyone is seen as a unique individual, so it’s not unusual that individuals might have unique food needs, and it becomes polite and a sign of a good host to accommodate everybody. But this is historically an unusual norm to have within the ingroup.
It is indeed rude to ask your hosts to make you something special to accommodate your diet. That’s why I don’t do it. This is part of how I try to not be a problem for other people. If I’m not expecting vegetarian options, I just eat in advance and then nibble on the bread or something. I did this around Anglos even back when I ate a normal diet, because Anglos often serve so little food.
My East Asian family doesn’t see it as an affront (though I can’t speak for everyone—especially not anyone under the age of 18). To the contrary, it’s a source of common ground between me and my vegetarian Pure Land Buddhist Taiwanese great aunt. It’s just about getting the right framing. East Asians understand that Buddhists often eat a vegan diet.