The smoking is very offputting. Tobacco use has a hugely negative connotation these days (as I’ve found out in my nicotine research). Unless she’s deliberately supposed to be invoking ideas like an embittered old smoke-stained hag and frustrating reader identification, you should definitely switch to tea or something.
From a throwaway line in the ending, I assume we’re supposed to find her embittered and flawed with smoking as a prop. But it doesn’t really work.
Overall, an interesting exploration of a Ponylarity and Fun Theory. It’s pretty good but somehow I feel a certain lack of narrative drive from chapter to chapter aside from the question of ‘what will Celestia do next?’ Not sure I’d say it’s better or worse than the other rationalist MLP fic. (I enjoyed Fallout: Equestria much more overall.)
That said, I am deeply amused that just 2 days ago I commented that MLP would make a good post-Singularity utopia and satisfy many of the suggestions of Eliezer’s Fun Theory… and here it already existed. If only I had known!
From a throwaway line in the ending, I assume we’re supposed to find her embittered and flawed with smoking as a prop. But it doesn’t really work.
You are correct that this was my intention. In an earlier version, the final scene had her smoking, because if she valued smoking, Princess Celestia wouldn’t have copied the negative health effects. The paragraph didn’t really help the scene so I cut it. Since you’re the second person to find the smoking a turn off, I’ll consider cutting it.
Can you suggest a nervous, compulsive tick? Tea doesn’t strike me as a compulsion.
It’s pretty good but somehow I feel a certain lack of narrative drive from chapter to chapter aside from the question of ‘what will Celestia do next?’
This is probably an artifact of how it was written. Most of the chapters were disconnected scenes that I wrote, without much planning. Only early this year did I start taking the individual scenes and stitched them into a whole piece. (If I write another piece of medium to long form fiction, I’ll make sure to not repeat this process; I’m not entirely happy with said process.)
Can you suggest a nervous, compulsive tic? Tea doesn’t strike me as a compulsion.
Besides beverage consumption, nail-biting, hair-tugging/pull/curling, knuckle-cracking, foot jiggling, pen manipulation, or coin flipping, all come to mind.
I started by rewriting all instances of smoking to pen chewing, but then found that I was disgusted with Hanna’s new habit.
After thinking about it, I’ve tried changing Hanna’s smoking to a sort of confidence factor. New text below is italicized:
Lars angrily followed Hanna out the door. Hanna confidently moved down the hallway, and lit up the second
she was through the door to her private office. She breathed in, held it, and slowly exhaled.
“Dammit Hanna! Would it kill you to not light up for half-a-fucking-hour? A lot of Americans kind of have a thing against smoking.”
Still standing, she took another pull. “Nicotine is a performance enhancing stimulant. It boosts reaction time, IQ scores and general memory performance.” She gave a small cough. “Too bad about the increased incidence of lung cancer, though. Besides, what do you care? It sounds like you’re strongly against making a My Little Pony video game.”
“I can’t believe you’re seriously considering this,” Lars stated.
and
And I was told point blank that my research would be used for military applications...and then told who exactly
had been funding my research. Lying to me wasn’t in their best interest, so it’s likely the truth.”
“But they still could have lied to you, and you could be wrong about how dangerous AI is.”
“I started taking...” she stopped and contemplated the burning cigarette in her hand. “...performance enhancing drugs with long term health consequences because I think it’s more likely that I’ll be around in twenty years if I do take them. Shouldn’t that be certainty enough for you?”
She knocked ash off her cigarette into the ash tray. “We don’t have perfect information. We can’t wait for perfect information.
Given that only you and Alicorn reacted this way (or were the only people to write that you reacted this way) while most people seem to not have minded, I’m wondering if removing the smoking is something I should do. I’ve gotten a few PM asking me to not remove it. I think the above changes move it from a prop to a piece of character development.
Sorry, I can’t help: I’m contaminated by the earlier version. I do like the justification, but that might just be because of my own nicotine gum use. Maybe you could embed a poll at the end? Looking in google, apparently Google Docs supports embedded polls.
My association of a strong female lead smoking was not negative. I immediately thought of Adora Belle Dearheart, some pictures, nicknamed “Spike” and “Killer”. She fits the sexy and incredible Badass TV-Trope and is from the extremly well known Discworld-universe. Hannah falls under the “enormous amounts of stress”-clause.
Another thought about that ending, actually: the employees can force Celestia to tell the truth, but surely they have other powers like giving orders? Do they retain the powers when uploaded? They’re mentally the same person after all, and it wouldn’t make sense for Celestia to try to optimize then if she’s killing them when uploading. Easier to just make more NPC ponies, if that counts.
If they retain such powers, then they represent the single greatest threat to Celestia after the Rapture, and we might expect more modification. For example, Celestia might steer Lars into not just accepting being a pony—but forgetting about his human life (including his dangerous status as an employee). And was Hanna originally a lesbian? But now she really loves her little alicorn...
Also, the ordering of chapters was kind of odd. I’d put the ‘celestial’ view point at the very end, for example.
I liked the chapter ordering once I figured it out. It’s another way to balance between “sinister” and “happy ponies” more evenly. “Aaaah she’s eating the universe!… Oh right, people live in that all-devouring computronium.”
The smoking is very offputting. Tobacco use has a hugely negative connotation these days
Huh, interesting, ’cause I didn’t see it that way. Maybe regional? Anyhow, if she knew the singularity was going to happen within the next 2 years maybe it was even intentional.
The smoking is very offputting. Tobacco use has a hugely negative connotation these days (as I’ve found out in my nicotine research). Unless she’s deliberately supposed to be invoking ideas like an embittered old smoke-stained hag and frustrating reader identification, you should definitely switch to tea or something.
From a throwaway line in the ending, I assume we’re supposed to find her embittered and flawed with smoking as a prop. But it doesn’t really work.
Overall, an interesting exploration of a Ponylarity and Fun Theory. It’s pretty good but somehow I feel a certain lack of narrative drive from chapter to chapter aside from the question of ‘what will Celestia do next?’ Not sure I’d say it’s better or worse than the other rationalist MLP fic. (I enjoyed Fallout: Equestria much more overall.)
That said, I am deeply amused that just 2 days ago I commented that MLP would make a good post-Singularity utopia and satisfy many of the suggestions of Eliezer’s Fun Theory… and here it already existed. If only I had known!
You are correct that this was my intention. In an earlier version, the final scene had her smoking, because if she valued smoking, Princess Celestia wouldn’t have copied the negative health effects. The paragraph didn’t really help the scene so I cut it. Since you’re the second person to find the smoking a turn off, I’ll consider cutting it.
Can you suggest a nervous, compulsive tick? Tea doesn’t strike me as a compulsion.
This is probably an artifact of how it was written. Most of the chapters were disconnected scenes that I wrote, without much planning. Only early this year did I start taking the individual scenes and stitched them into a whole piece. (If I write another piece of medium to long form fiction, I’ll make sure to not repeat this process; I’m not entirely happy with said process.)
Besides beverage consumption, nail-biting, hair-tugging/pull/curling, knuckle-cracking, foot jiggling, pen manipulation, or coin flipping, all come to mind.
I started by rewriting all instances of smoking to pen chewing, but then found that I was disgusted with Hanna’s new habit.
After thinking about it, I’ve tried changing Hanna’s smoking to a sort of confidence factor. New text below is italicized:
and
Given that only you and Alicorn reacted this way (or were the only people to write that you reacted this way) while most people seem to not have minded, I’m wondering if removing the smoking is something I should do. I’ve gotten a few PM asking me to not remove it. I think the above changes move it from a prop to a piece of character development.
Sorry, I can’t help: I’m contaminated by the earlier version. I do like the justification, but that might just be because of my own nicotine gum use. Maybe you could embed a poll at the end? Looking in google, apparently Google Docs supports embedded polls.
It’s probably okay like this.
My association of a strong female lead smoking was not negative. I immediately thought of Adora Belle Dearheart, some pictures, nicknamed “Spike” and “Killer”. She fits the sexy and incredible Badass TV-Trope and is from the extremly well known Discworld-universe. Hannah falls under the “enormous amounts of stress”-clause.
Another thought about that ending, actually: the employees can force Celestia to tell the truth, but surely they have other powers like giving orders? Do they retain the powers when uploaded? They’re mentally the same person after all, and it wouldn’t make sense for Celestia to try to optimize then if she’s killing them when uploading. Easier to just make more NPC ponies, if that counts.
If they retain such powers, then they represent the single greatest threat to Celestia after the Rapture, and we might expect more modification. For example, Celestia might steer Lars into not just accepting being a pony—but forgetting about his human life (including his dangerous status as an employee). And was Hanna originally a lesbian? But now she really loves her little alicorn...
Also, the ordering of chapters was kind of odd. I’d put the ‘celestial’ view point at the very end, for example.
I liked the chapter ordering once I figured it out. It’s another way to balance between “sinister” and “happy ponies” more evenly. “Aaaah she’s eating the universe!… Oh right, people live in that all-devouring computronium.”
Nothing wrong with organizing that mess. Maybe she’ll find a way to beat entropy, eventually.
I suggest the fragance of dark coffee. Cough
Huh, interesting, ’cause I didn’t see it that way. Maybe regional? Anyhow, if she knew the singularity was going to happen within the next 2 years maybe it was even intentional.
I am now terrified (or is it thrilled?) that the fic becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy...
All we need is to find Hanna.