Shouldn’t I have made this doubt a topic every now and again until it was resolved and committed? Or rather should I have forced her to fully and explicitly commit to it before the wedding? And left her when she had said “no I can’t, I’m not ready”?
No. We were young and we had to give each other a lot. I can say this with confidence now. I didn’t lost the true good aspects of our relationship. It was the best choice to make at that time. Many alternatives worlds wouldn’t have included so many satisfying purposeful years nor our four great sons. I took the risk at that time. Not fully consciously at the wedding maybe but before that.
I think that the solution you reject here might really have been the best one. Yes, you had good years together, and children who I’m sure you still love, but the alternative to marrying her then would not have been simply spending those years alone, but both of you looking for someone else.
She found someone who seems to more closely suit her preferences after all this time without actively searching (or, if she was, then at least with her search heavily handicapped.) Had you investigated her doubts and refused to move forward if she wasn’t confident they were resolved, then she might have found someone else about whom she realized she did not have those doubts much sooner, and entered into a stable relationship with him, and had children who would not have had to see their caretakers separate. And you might have found someone else who was looking, in the long term, for exactly what you were going to provide, and had children with that partner who you would also love, and who would not have had to deal with their caretakers separating.
Some topic on this site years ago discussed a writer who suggested using one’s family and particularly one’s children as an anchor to one’s course in life; if you had chosen differently, you would not have the children you do now, which would be bad since you love your children for being exactly what they are. And another commenter, I think, responded accurately when they said that this is akin to a person who says “I’m glad that I hate spinach, because if I didn’t, I would eat it, and I can’t stand the stuff.”
The course you took probably seemed compelling at the time, and it’s much easier to comment in hindsight on the things it might have served you to do differently, but I think it’s unwise to devalue the probable alternatives to the choice you made back then.
An insightful analysis. I think I have to update toward my view being a rationalization.
In fact I have had discussions about this question but nobody else clearly showed that the alternative would necessarily have been to have no kids and no relationship.
What would previous self have said and done with this argument? Contrafactual reasoning is difficult but lets first assume that my previous self had had sound and trustworthy advice about this. And that the most likely prediction for the future would have been essentially the occurrence of such a crisis earlier or later.
In that case my previous self would have considered what would be the best for her. And taken her input about that into account. And her input could have been a) I don’t want to lose you but I still cannot promise or b) I don’t want to lose you and I do promise with all my strength to love you too or c) I don’t want to hurt you more later so better to break up now. Obviously the current state resulted from an implied a). The difference being explicit and aware of the risk which is good in itself.
In case c) I could have let het go. But the missing point is: Could I have forced the choice between only b) and c) on her? b) has the benefit of really committing her thus drastically reducing the risk of our crisis. And c) even though it has the largest spread (hello risk-aversion) might still have a better average than a).
Thus from a rational point of view I should have forced the choice.
But I can tell you: I couldn’t have done that. No way. Not in my state of mind at that time. Forcing? Violence? Are we uncivilized barbarians? I learned only later (and at it own costs) that anger and aggression have their place too (I knew it theoretically but not in relation to me in particular).
And if I had also known that I would have been someone else. More the person I am now.
Responding to your comment here
I think that the solution you reject here might really have been the best one. Yes, you had good years together, and children who I’m sure you still love, but the alternative to marrying her then would not have been simply spending those years alone, but both of you looking for someone else.
She found someone who seems to more closely suit her preferences after all this time without actively searching (or, if she was, then at least with her search heavily handicapped.) Had you investigated her doubts and refused to move forward if she wasn’t confident they were resolved, then she might have found someone else about whom she realized she did not have those doubts much sooner, and entered into a stable relationship with him, and had children who would not have had to see their caretakers separate. And you might have found someone else who was looking, in the long term, for exactly what you were going to provide, and had children with that partner who you would also love, and who would not have had to deal with their caretakers separating.
Some topic on this site years ago discussed a writer who suggested using one’s family and particularly one’s children as an anchor to one’s course in life; if you had chosen differently, you would not have the children you do now, which would be bad since you love your children for being exactly what they are. And another commenter, I think, responded accurately when they said that this is akin to a person who says “I’m glad that I hate spinach, because if I didn’t, I would eat it, and I can’t stand the stuff.”
The course you took probably seemed compelling at the time, and it’s much easier to comment in hindsight on the things it might have served you to do differently, but I think it’s unwise to devalue the probable alternatives to the choice you made back then.
An insightful analysis. I think I have to update toward my view being a rationalization.
In fact I have had discussions about this question but nobody else clearly showed that the alternative would necessarily have been to have no kids and no relationship.
What would previous self have said and done with this argument? Contrafactual reasoning is difficult but lets first assume that my previous self had had sound and trustworthy advice about this. And that the most likely prediction for the future would have been essentially the occurrence of such a crisis earlier or later.
In that case my previous self would have considered what would be the best for her. And taken her input about that into account. And her input could have been a) I don’t want to lose you but I still cannot promise or b) I don’t want to lose you and I do promise with all my strength to love you too or c) I don’t want to hurt you more later so better to break up now. Obviously the current state resulted from an implied a). The difference being explicit and aware of the risk which is good in itself.
In case c) I could have let het go. But the missing point is: Could I have forced the choice between only b) and c) on her? b) has the benefit of really committing her thus drastically reducing the risk of our crisis. And c) even though it has the largest spread (hello risk-aversion) might still have a better average than a).
Thus from a rational point of view I should have forced the choice.
But I can tell you: I couldn’t have done that. No way. Not in my state of mind at that time. Forcing? Violence? Are we uncivilized barbarians? I learned only later (and at it own costs) that anger and aggression have their place too (I knew it theoretically but not in relation to me in particular).
And if I had also known that I would have been someone else. More the person I am now.
End of the if-then game for today.