i want to write more, and know its beneficial for me to write more. every time that i recall doing so right now, in the last two years, it’s increased the amount of people who know about my work, come to work with me, pay for the work in some way, etc.
however, i feel really really anxious, scared, etc of doing it. feels a bit stupid.
part of it as well is that i really really care about truth and about what i write being very very true and robust to misinterpretation. this is in large part something that i purposefully trained into myself, to avoid being like other people who grifted, lied and cheated all the time.
however, in a way, its now allowing others to do more lazy versions of things that i’m doing/would be doing, if you’d excuse a little ego. that also feels like the kind of justification that people use to grift even while knowing that they’re doing so.
there are also people who are low eq or something similar, who don’t know or know how to recognise the signs, of when they’re doing this, or havent burnt the lying instinct outside of themselves.
when i was 21, for about 6 weeks, i made an effort to constantly notice whenever i was saying or thinking the slightest lie or deception for myself. since then, it’s something i’ve had in the background, constantly. its very very useful in many ways. but there are others who dont do this and it seems to let them lie without notice or shame and do things that are ok-good. however, it feels like, what allows me to do things that are more rigorous, according to me,
So, essentially, i have a self confidence issue. a lack of belief in myself issue. in the deep, back of my head. want to figure out how to improve this. ive done it before, but i think this is different?
my dad doesn’t believe in me, or really know anything about me.
he thinks i’m a failure, chutiah, etc.
If he doesn’t know anything about you, why would it matter what he thinks about you?
A part of becoming adult is realizing that your parents are just random people with no magical powers. Their opinions are just… their opinions. Could be right, could be wrong, could be anything. If someone who isn’t your parent said the same thing, would you care?
I’m still going to care because he’s my father and I love him and care about him. And also becase I don’t like ideas that are about discouraging caring.
I’m going to feel the pain that comes with caring, but that’s fine. And yes his opinion is wrong and is not going to stop me anymore.
There are plenty of others who care about and respect my work and unlike my dad’s disrespect, that can actually go into making me money and increasing what I can do.
Thank you for the support btw, I really appreciate it <3
Sometimes the solution is just not to talk about certain topics. (But this requires cooperation from the other side.) For example, I don’t discuss politics with my mother, because that would be predictably frustrating for both sides.
Maybe there is a good boundary for you, for example don’t discuss your job? (Or stick to technicalities, such as salary.)
This belief and self confidence thing isn’t all there is to it though. It’s also a standards issue. Which is also driven by the belief. The belief that putting in the extra effort will be worth it.
That it’s worth it to just have something be higher standard for myself.
Then there is a contrasting, opposite thing. Of wanting to have a very very high standard of rigour.
One voice decrying polish because it’s seen as associative with slop and the other decrying the lack of rigour. So what’s left is rigorous unpolished hard to read things, that are only obviously valuable to someone who is willing to put up with the high lack of polish for a long time.
Interesting, that summarizes my work a lot, for the last two years.
i want to write more, and know its beneficial for me to write more. every time that i recall doing so right now, in the last two years, it’s increased the amount of people who know about my work, come to work with me, pay for the work in some way, etc.however, i feel really really anxious, scared, etc of doing it. feels a bit stupid.part of it as well is that i really really care about truth and about what i write being very very true and robust to misinterpretation. this is in large part something that i purposefully trained into myself, to avoid being like other people who grifted, lied and cheated all the time.however, in a way, its now allowing others to do more lazy versions of things that i’m doing/would be doing, if you’d excuse a little ego. that also feels like the kind of justification that people use to grift even while knowing that they’re doing so.there are also people who are low eq or something similar, who don’t know or know how to recognise the signs, of when they’re doing this, or havent burnt the lying instinct outside of themselves.when i was 21, for about 6 weeks, i made an effort to constantly notice whenever i was saying or thinking the slightest lie or deception for myself. since then, it’s something i’ve had in the background, constantly. its very very useful in many ways. but there are others who dont do this and it seems to let them lie without notice or shame and do things that are ok-good. however, it feels like, what allows me to do things that are more rigorous, according to me,So, essentially, i have a self confidence issue. a lack of belief in myself issue. in the deep, back of my head. want to figure out how to improve this. ive done it before, but i think this is different?
part of it, the biggest part, i think, is that my dad doesn’t believe in me, or really know anything about me.
he thinks i’m a failure, chutiah, etc.
that hurts a lot, basically every time i think about it.
esp fresh rn cos he was saying it last night..
mum feels like she believes in some future version of me, but does so less and less and now the belief is very low.
there should be a way to believe in myself without that though.
or maybe even needing that is an illusion.
what if i am ok with failing.
If he doesn’t know anything about you, why would it matter what he thinks about you?
A part of becoming adult is realizing that your parents are just random people with no magical powers. Their opinions are just… their opinions. Could be right, could be wrong, could be anything. If someone who isn’t your parent said the same thing, would you care?
He’s def wrong.
I’m still going to care because he’s my father and I love him and care about him. And also becase I don’t like ideas that are about discouraging caring.
I’m going to feel the pain that comes with caring, but that’s fine. And yes his opinion is wrong and is not going to stop me anymore.
There are plenty of others who care about and respect my work and unlike my dad’s disrespect, that can actually go into making me money and increasing what I can do.
Thank you for the support btw, I really appreciate it <3
Sometimes the solution is just not to talk about certain topics. (But this requires cooperation from the other side.) For example, I don’t discuss politics with my mother, because that would be predictably frustrating for both sides.
Maybe there is a good boundary for you, for example don’t discuss your job? (Or stick to technicalities, such as salary.)
We just dont talk at all atm. Not likely to change in the future tbh. He doesnt respond to my calls or texts.
This belief and self confidence thing isn’t all there is to it though. It’s also a standards issue. Which is also driven by the belief. The belief that putting in the extra effort will be worth it.
That it’s worth it to just have something be higher standard for myself.
Then there is a contrasting, opposite thing. Of wanting to have a very very high standard of rigour.
One voice decrying polish because it’s seen as associative with slop and the other decrying the lack of rigour. So what’s left is rigorous unpolished hard to read things, that are only obviously valuable to someone who is willing to put up with the high lack of polish for a long time.
Interesting, that summarizes my work a lot, for the last two years.