Agreed. I have a bunch of social anxiety and dislike it when a certain degree of social smoothness is treated as necessary to be sorted into to the category of “good person”.
My specific criticism is of people (and I don’t just mean other people; I’ve failed here before) who could (with ease, not with Herculean effort) intuit preferences but use Tell Culture or direct communication norms to completely avoid doing so. This is especially maddening if you have social anxiety, because you’re left anxious about bringing the thing up, especially to someone who seems so otherwise socially competent.
Yeah, +1 for not “hiding” behind Tell Culture to save effort.
One of the fixes for the anxiety thing is Circling/Focusing/pair debugging culture, which goes a loooooong way toward both a) building the trust and safety required to bring up such issues with less anxiety and b) actually providing Schelling points for when to say it. We’re also doing a weekly retrospective where it’ll be low-cost and high-support to gently point at such things.
Agreed. I have a bunch of social anxiety and dislike it when a certain degree of social smoothness is treated as necessary to be sorted into to the category of “good person”.
My specific criticism is of people (and I don’t just mean other people; I’ve failed here before) who could (with ease, not with Herculean effort) intuit preferences but use Tell Culture or direct communication norms to completely avoid doing so. This is especially maddening if you have social anxiety, because you’re left anxious about bringing the thing up, especially to someone who seems so otherwise socially competent.
Thanks for the chance to clarify my views here!
Yeah, +1 for not “hiding” behind Tell Culture to save effort.
One of the fixes for the anxiety thing is Circling/Focusing/pair debugging culture, which goes a loooooong way toward both a) building the trust and safety required to bring up such issues with less anxiety and b) actually providing Schelling points for when to say it. We’re also doing a weekly retrospective where it’ll be low-cost and high-support to gently point at such things.