People get along best when their interactions are non-zero-sum.
Which is why, as I said in the comment above, “you have to actually surface your true desires and objections in order to resolve them.”
This need, incidentally, is raised quite often in books on sales, negotiation, etc. -- that in order to succeed, you need to find out what the other person really wants/needs (not just what they say they want), and then find a way to give them that, in exchange for what you really want/need (not just what you’d like to get).
In some cases, it may be easier to do this with another person than with yourself, because, as Feynman says, “you are the easiest person to fool.” There’s also the additional problem that by self-alienating (i.e., perceiving one of your desires as “other”, “bad”, or “not you”) you can make it virtually impossible to negotiate in good faith.
Actually, scratch that. I hate using “negotiate” as a metaphor for this, precisely because it implies an adversarial, non-zero-sum interaction. The other pieces of what you want are not alien beings trying to force you to give something up. They are you, even if you pretend they aren’t, and until you see through that, you won’t see any of the possibilities for resolving the conflict that get you more of everything you want.
Also, while the other party in a negotiation may not tell you what they really want, even if you ask, in internal conflict resolution you will get an answer if you sincerely ask… especially if you accept all your desires and needs as being truly your own, even if you don’t always like the consequences of having those desires or needs.
People get along best when their interactions are non-zero-sum.
Which is why, as I said in the comment above, “you have to actually surface your true desires and objections in order to resolve them.”
This need, incidentally, is raised quite often in books on sales, negotiation, etc. -- that in order to succeed, you need to find out what the other person really wants/needs (not just what they say they want), and then find a way to give them that, in exchange for what you really want/need (not just what you’d like to get).
In some cases, it may be easier to do this with another person than with yourself, because, as Feynman says, “you are the easiest person to fool.” There’s also the additional problem that by self-alienating (i.e., perceiving one of your desires as “other”, “bad”, or “not you”) you can make it virtually impossible to negotiate in good faith.
Actually, scratch that. I hate using “negotiate” as a metaphor for this, precisely because it implies an adversarial, non-zero-sum interaction. The other pieces of what you want are not alien beings trying to force you to give something up. They are you, even if you pretend they aren’t, and until you see through that, you won’t see any of the possibilities for resolving the conflict that get you more of everything you want.
Also, while the other party in a negotiation may not tell you what they really want, even if you ask, in internal conflict resolution you will get an answer if you sincerely ask… especially if you accept all your desires and needs as being truly your own, even if you don’t always like the consequences of having those desires or needs.