I’m a little late to the party, but I just read through and did the exercises of The Self Therapy last week and feeling very excited about how many components of the model “clicked” with me. Reading this post gave me insights into why those components resonated with me, so thank you very much for taking the time to write up this supremely helpful post!
The one aspect of the model that I’ve been having a lot of trouble with, which I view as problematic since the entire model essentially hinges on this practice, is to have an “organic” conversation with different parts. After identifying a part that I want to work with, I immediately intellectualize that part and build a predictive model of what the part may possibly respond to some inquiries that I have in mind.
As a result, I don’t often have the sort of emotional catharsis that I observe in the myriad transcripts of how Jay Earley uses this model with his patients in the book. More often, the process goes like this for me: I identify some part A and try my best to personify it. I know the basic questions I will ask him, and I will think of his/her possible responses. Since part A isn’t an “organic” character that is independent of my thought process, I can’t spontaneously produce the “other side” of the conversation, and hence it feels more like I’m talking to myself than with another person. Thus, I am uncertain whether I will be able to uncover some deep, sub-conscious trauma through this process since I am heavily intellectualizing the process.
For example, the thought process behind trying to address the trailhead of procrastination goes as follows:
Is Procrastination its own part? Maybe so. I’ll give him a character. I had a roommate (“John”) who had a lot of issues with procrastination, so his visual image feels appropriate.
I’ll try talking with John. “Hey John, what are you afraid will happen if you stop procrastinating?”
No response.
Of course, there is no response; John only exists in my imagination! It’s foolish to expect a spontaneous response from a part of myself.
Let’s see. What would John possibly respond to a question like that? Why do I procrastinate?
I think I procrastinate because I am scared of commitments. If I am distracted and explore different topics on LessWrong, I will be able to avoid commitments. Okay, that seems like a reasonable response that John may have.
John: “I am afraid if I don’t protect you, you will commit to a career that you will end up resenting.”
Okay, good. Now I have to learn about the exile that John is protecting.
“Fair enough. I hear your concern. Would it be okay for you to step aside for a few minutes so I can get to know the exile that you are protecting?”
How would John respond? I don’t get any spontaneous reaction to the question, so I’ll think about this. Hopefully he will say yes. Since I want to help myself get better, John being an extension of myself, would also want to help myself get better.
John: “Yes, I’ll step aside.”
I visualize John getting up from his couch and walking away. Now, where would the exile be? Probably under the cushion that he was lying on. I lift up the cushion.
No spontaneous “discovery” of an exile hiding under the cushion.
Who could reasonably be hiding under the protection of procrastination? Maybe I had a childhood trauma where I felt a lot of anxiety over having to commit to a particular choice. Let’s see. My dad had to leave the country for a year when I was six years old, and I had to decide whether I wanted to stay with my mom or my dad. That was probably a traumatic experience. So, the exile is probably my six-year-old self. Okay.
I imagine a six-year-old Peter hiding underneath the cushion.
“Hey, Peter!”
No spontaneous response.
How would a six-year-old wounded child respond to this? Let’s think....
And so on… If anyone who’s been benefitting from IFT, I’d really appreciate a tip for me!
Even without the organic discovery of trauma and experiencing a spontaneous catharsis, it’s been very helpful to try to fit my experience into the IFS framework, but I would love to see if I’m doing anything wrong and if I can implement IFS better as I continue practicing it! Thank you.
Thank you so much for your detailed response!
That makes a lot of sense. I think I need to focus on working with my “impatience” part before I can truly get into the kind of patient and tolerant Self that you are describing.
I think I might have gotten a bit derailed due to my experience training for memory competitions. I had to come up with 2700+ very specific visual images of characters each corresponding to a pair of playing cards, and so I’ve developed this sometimes-annoying habit of quickly making a tenuous association between any information I process and some figure familiar to me.
Paying careful attention to the relatively-reliable physical sensations that are triggered with particular trailheads and starting from there sounds like a great idea.
Thanks again!