I think kindness is a good rule for rationalists, because unkindness is rhetorically OP yet so easily rationalized (“i’m just telling it like it is, y’all” while benefitting – again, rhetorically – from playing the offensive).
Your implication that Aella is not speaking, writing or behaving sanely is, frankly, hard to fathom. You may disagree with her; you may consider her ideas and perspectives incomplete; but to say she has not met the standards of sanity?
She speaks about an incredibly painful and personal issue with remarkable sanity and analytical distance. Does that mean she’s objective? No. But she’s a solid rationalist, and this post is appropriately representative.
But see, here we are trading subjective takes. You imply this post is insane. I say that it is impressively sane. Are we shouldering the burden of standards for speaking, writing and behaving sanely?
In other words, you’ve set quite a high bar there, friend, and conveniently it is to your rhetorical advantage. Is this all about being rational or achieving rhetorical wins?
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Wrt “burn it with fire”—she goes on to say that she can’t have frame controllers in her life, not that she plans on committing arson. Her meaning was clear to me. If I detect that someone is attempting coercive control on me (my preferred phrasing), I block them on all channels. This has happened 2x in the last 5 years, since I escaped the abuser. I cut them out of my life with a sort of regret; not because I think they’re bad, but because I’ve determined that continued interaction puts me at risk. This is my personal nuclear option too (like Aella) because I’m not one to block people nor consider them irredeemable.
Perhaps you could re-read that part of her post with principle o’ charity / steel manning glasses on.
While I’m at it, your other criticism about normal or praiseworthy traits: she explicitly says “Keep in mind these are not the same thing as frame control itself, they’re just red flags.” A red flag doesn’t mean “a bad behavior” but rather means a warning sign. As is said elsewhere in the comment section (perhaps by you), some of those red flags might be exhibited by Aspie types or those who have successfully overcome some unhelpful social norms. As a different example, I have a friend who talks quickly, genuinely wants to help out even if there is nothing in it for him, and is polymathic—his rapidly covering lots of intellectual ground and wanting to help me out set off my “bullshitter” red flags. But that isn’t the case. He’s a good guy. And given that, the aforementioned traits are awesome. Red flags are signals and not necessarily bad behaviors.
“Honestly, this is a terrible post. It describes a made-up concept that, as far as I can tell, does not actually map to any real phenomenon [...]”—if I am not mistaken, LessWrong contains many posts on “made-up concepts”—often newly minted concepts of interest to the pursuit of rationality. Don’t the rationalist all-stars like Scott Alexander and Yudkowsky do this often?
As a rationalist type who has also experienced abuse, I value Aella’s attempt to characterize the phenomenon.
Years of abuse actually drove my interest in rationality and epistemology. My abuser’s frame-controlling (or whatever it should be called) drove me to desperately seek undeniable truths (e.g. “dragging one’s partner around by the hair while calling them a stupid crazy bitch is objectively wrong”). My partner hacked our two-person consensus reality so thoroughly that this “truth” was dangerous speculation on my part, and he’d punish me for asserting it.
I think abuse is a form of epistemic hacking. Part of the ‘hack’ is detection avoidance, which can include use of / threat of force (such as “I will punish you if you say ‘abuse’ one more time”), he-said-she-said (“you accuse me of abuse, but i’ll accuse you right back”), psychological jabs that are 100% clear given context but plausibly denied outside that context, and stupid but effective shit like “this isn’t abuse because you deserve it.” In my experience, detection avoidance is such a systemic part of abuse that it is almost as if it could all be explained as a gnarly mess of instrumental goals gone wild.
My point is, abuse defies description. It is designed (or rather, honed) to defy description.
I don’t know if you’ll find this persuasive in the slightest. But if you do, even a tiny bit, maybe you could chill out on the “this is a terrible post” commentary. To invoke SCC (though I know those aren’t the rules here), that comment isn’t true, kind OR necessary.