In my relationship, I’m looking to develop a system based on equity, not correctness. The former ensures that everyone has what they need, while the latter is based on pure mathematics.
It’s the following quote that stayed with me from a book by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: “In a healthy relationship, it is the role of whoever can provide to provide.”
Trust is an essential element in this relationship, and it’s vital that each partner will live a similar lifestyle to the other. We don’t need to share everything, but we need to work together.
Of course that each relationship is different, and there is no system that works for everyone. That’s why I’m willing to try and see what sticks.
An example of a process for a couple where both partners work and have a monthly paycheck:
Every month, we pool all our money together in a joint account.
Use this account to pay for everything we share throughout the month (e.g., rent, utilities, food, dates, holidays).
At the end of the month, we see how much is left in the joint account and decide how much of it to put into a shared savings account and how much to withdraw into individual accounts that we are free to use however we want, without having to account for it. This split could take into account how much each of you contributed initially, so you get your share back relative to your allocation.
Start over.
Now that both partners have their needs fulfilled, the monetary difference in the contribution is just a cost or an investment of being in that relationship.
I’d love to know your views on Christopher Alexander. It seems like a topic that hasn’t received much attention in this community.