I can’t answer for Duncan, but I have had similar enough experiences that I will answer for my self. When I notice that someone is chronically typical minding (not just typical minding as a prior, but shows signs that they are unable to even to consider that others might be different in unexpected ways), then I leave as fast as I can, because such people are dangerous. Such people will violate my boundaries until I have a full melt down. They will do so in the full belief that they are helpful, and override anything I tell them with their own prior convictions.
I tired to get over the feeling of discomfort when I felt misunderstood, and it did not work. Because it’s not just a reminder that the wold isn’t perfect (something I can update on and get over), but an active warning signal.
Learning to interpret this warning signal, and knowing when to walk away, has helped a lot.
Different people and communities are more or less compatible with my style of weird. Keeping track of this is very useful.
I think this is part of why I feel safer with people who are weird/different, even if they are weird/different on very different axes than I am.
I’ve had to learn that other people have needs that I do not have and do not understand, and these needs are legitimate and deserve protection even though I do not get them. Because my needs are not the norm, so average needs generally do feel mysterious and weird to me, and the supposedly weird needs of other divergent people do not register as weirder. If your needs do not fit the norm, even though they are different from the way mine do not fit, you’ve probably had the same experience. Similarly if you have ever deeply cared for, or properly listened to, someone who has unusual needs, and taught yourself to accommodate them even if you don’t always get it. And that changes how you approach the world.
I find it frightening when I encounter adults who have apparently never made this leap. Who will give support to me and others in the way they want support to be given to them, and absolutely refuse to alter this, no matter how much I tell them that this is not what I need, and is actively harming me. The classic scenario of giving gifts and invitations for things they would want, and being deeply angered if they are not accepted and used, insisting that this is bad and foolish. Like, giving me hugs when I am hit by a PTSD trigger, because they like hugs when they are distressed, and not stopping this, and being personally offended when I flee this, because if they did what I am doing now, it would imply that they do not like the person giving hugs so clearly, I need to get over it and like the hugs.
As a general rule of thumb, if someone does this to me, they will also be fucking over other people. Misgendering trans people, because they themselves aren’t trans, and their pronouns aren’t important to them, so they do not get why that would hurt someone different. Making holocaust jokes, because they aren’t hurt by them, so they can’t imagine that others are. Doubting depression is a thing one can’t just snap out of, because they do not have it. Lying to people about whether there is gluten in food, because when they imagined they were gluten intolerant, it turned out to be an irrational belief, and not celiac leaving them critically ill. Insisting on repeatedly hitting on women in contexts where the women cannot retreat and are in worrying power dynamics and have already indicated desinterest, because they themselves would like to be hit on more often, so surely, this is awesome. Mistreating animals by treating them like humans in contexts where this is absolutely counter to the animals needs, and it protests this clearly. It’s simply a giant red flag.
I can’t answer for Duncan, but I have had similar enough experiences that I will answer for my self. When I notice that someone is chronically typical minding (not just typical minding as a prior, but shows signs that they are unable to even to consider that others might be different in unexpected ways), then I leave as fast as I can, because such people are dangerous. Such people will violate my boundaries until I have a full melt down. They will do so in the full belief that they are helpful, and override anything I tell them with their own prior convictions.
I tired to get over the feeling of discomfort when I felt misunderstood, and it did not work. Because it’s not just a reminder that the wold isn’t perfect (something I can update on and get over), but an active warning signal.
Learning to interpret this warning signal, and knowing when to walk away, has helped a lot.
Different people and communities are more or less compatible with my style of weird. Keeping track of this is very useful.
I think this is part of why I feel safer with people who are weird/different, even if they are weird/different on very different axes than I am.
I’ve had to learn that other people have needs that I do not have and do not understand, and these needs are legitimate and deserve protection even though I do not get them. Because my needs are not the norm, so average needs generally do feel mysterious and weird to me, and the supposedly weird needs of other divergent people do not register as weirder. If your needs do not fit the norm, even though they are different from the way mine do not fit, you’ve probably had the same experience. Similarly if you have ever deeply cared for, or properly listened to, someone who has unusual needs, and taught yourself to accommodate them even if you don’t always get it. And that changes how you approach the world.
I find it frightening when I encounter adults who have apparently never made this leap. Who will give support to me and others in the way they want support to be given to them, and absolutely refuse to alter this, no matter how much I tell them that this is not what I need, and is actively harming me. The classic scenario of giving gifts and invitations for things they would want, and being deeply angered if they are not accepted and used, insisting that this is bad and foolish. Like, giving me hugs when I am hit by a PTSD trigger, because they like hugs when they are distressed, and not stopping this, and being personally offended when I flee this, because if they did what I am doing now, it would imply that they do not like the person giving hugs so clearly, I need to get over it and like the hugs.
As a general rule of thumb, if someone does this to me, they will also be fucking over other people. Misgendering trans people, because they themselves aren’t trans, and their pronouns aren’t important to them, so they do not get why that would hurt someone different. Making holocaust jokes, because they aren’t hurt by them, so they can’t imagine that others are. Doubting depression is a thing one can’t just snap out of, because they do not have it. Lying to people about whether there is gluten in food, because when they imagined they were gluten intolerant, it turned out to be an irrational belief, and not celiac leaving them critically ill. Insisting on repeatedly hitting on women in contexts where the women cannot retreat and are in worrying power dynamics and have already indicated desinterest, because they themselves would like to be hit on more often, so surely, this is awesome. Mistreating animals by treating them like humans in contexts where this is absolutely counter to the animals needs, and it protests this clearly. It’s simply a giant red flag.