This is where you haven’t changed your model, but decide to agree with the other person anyway.
I very often notice myself feeling psychological pressure to agree with whoever I’m currently talking to; it feels nicer, more “cooperative.” But that’s wrong—pretending to agree when you actually don’t is really just lying about what you believe! Lying is bad!
In particular, if you make complicated plans with someone without clarifying the differences between your models, and then you go off and do your part of the plan using your private model (which you never shared) and take actions that your partner didn’t expect and are harmed by, then they might feel pretty betrayed—as if you were an enemy who was only pretending to be their collaborator all along. Which is kind of what happened. You never got on the same page. As Sarah Constantin explains in another 2018-Review-nominated post, the process of getting on the same page is not a punishment!
I very often notice myself feeling psychological pressure to agree with whoever I’m currently talking to; it feels nicer, more “cooperative.” But that’s wrong—pretending to agree when you actually don’t is really just lying about what you believe! Lying is bad!
In particular, if you make complicated plans with someone without clarifying the differences between your models, and then you go off and do your part of the plan using your private model (which you never shared) and take actions that your partner didn’t expect and are harmed by, then they might feel pretty betrayed—as if you were an enemy who was only pretending to be their collaborator all along. Which is kind of what happened. You never got on the same page. As Sarah Constantin explains in another 2018-Review-nominated post, the process of getting on the same page is not a punishment!