I agree with westward that it sounds like you often drink to deal with depression, even if you have things to be happy about and are happy about them at times.
It’s tough to notice; it’s crazy what you can not notice. I was making a list of stressors in my life a few months ago so that I would be able to recognize them explicitly and take steps to reduce them if possible, and I came up with a lot of stuff, some that I crossed off because I couldn’t do anything about it, and some that I took steps to alleviate. But something I noticed around the time that I was almost finished with the list was, I had completely missed my two biggest stressors. I couldn’t do anything about them, but that wasn’t the point; the point was to think of everything that was stressing me, and my brain outright censored the two things that would be most obvious to any outside observer.
Besides the sources being difficult to notice, there’s also the feelings themselves. I always thought that being bored and weak-willed all of the time was the norm, that it was something you just had to deal with all of the time. I unintentionally tuned them out like so many chirping crickets. Then I took some steps that I remembered have been shown to reduce depression, like exercise, exposure to light (sunlight in my case), and thinking that that stuff would work (placebo effect), and I felt better, and things were easier, and I wasn’t quite as bored. I imagine you felt something like that when you were doing your martial arts. If it’s an option, maybe you could see a doctor, if you trust that; that way you don’t have to do as much guesswork. I’m pretty sure I would if it were a financial option. I have a long family history of mental illness and substance abuse and it wouldn’t surprise me if I could use some medication. I remember Kaj_Sotala saying that he started taking antidepressants somewhat recently and that they helped him and I think I also remember him making similar comments on how easy it is for depression to go unnoticed when it’s been the status quo for so long. But I don’t know you and I’m no doctor, so do what really feels right.
Also, maybe you’d like Jonah_Sinick’s post Methods for treating depression, which is self-explanatory, and Alicorn’s post Ureshiku Naritai, which is basically about getting happier, and see if those things make things easier, especially when you’re tempted to drink.
I agree with westward that it sounds like you often drink to deal with depression, even if you have things to be happy about and are happy about them at times.
It’s tough to notice; it’s crazy what you can not notice. I was making a list of stressors in my life a few months ago so that I would be able to recognize them explicitly and take steps to reduce them if possible, and I came up with a lot of stuff, some that I crossed off because I couldn’t do anything about it, and some that I took steps to alleviate. But something I noticed around the time that I was almost finished with the list was, I had completely missed my two biggest stressors. I couldn’t do anything about them, but that wasn’t the point; the point was to think of everything that was stressing me, and my brain outright censored the two things that would be most obvious to any outside observer.
Besides the sources being difficult to notice, there’s also the feelings themselves. I always thought that being bored and weak-willed all of the time was the norm, that it was something you just had to deal with all of the time. I unintentionally tuned them out like so many chirping crickets. Then I took some steps that I remembered have been shown to reduce depression, like exercise, exposure to light (sunlight in my case), and thinking that that stuff would work (placebo effect), and I felt better, and things were easier, and I wasn’t quite as bored. I imagine you felt something like that when you were doing your martial arts. If it’s an option, maybe you could see a doctor, if you trust that; that way you don’t have to do as much guesswork. I’m pretty sure I would if it were a financial option. I have a long family history of mental illness and substance abuse and it wouldn’t surprise me if I could use some medication. I remember Kaj_Sotala saying that he started taking antidepressants somewhat recently and that they helped him and I think I also remember him making similar comments on how easy it is for depression to go unnoticed when it’s been the status quo for so long. But I don’t know you and I’m no doctor, so do what really feels right.
Also, maybe you’d like Jonah_Sinick’s post Methods for treating depression, which is self-explanatory, and Alicorn’s post Ureshiku Naritai, which is basically about getting happier, and see if those things make things easier, especially when you’re tempted to drink.