...Unfortunately, the anaesthetic didn’t work, and I was left completely conscious and paralyzed during the two and a half hour procedure. Worst of all, I could feel everything.
...what was the most painful part?
...The first incision was the worst pain-wise, but the horror of hearing a bone saw coming for you and being unable to move/cry out/scream was pretty bad.
...Have you reached the statute of limitations for legal action?
I have passed the statute. It’s two years, and it’s been longer. The problem there, though, is that noone at the time anticipated how badly the PTSD would go, and even training a service dog alone is anywhere from $3500-$20,000. And then there’s the psych bills for therapy and the rest… It’s expensive being crazy
...Do you harbor any ill will toward the medical team?
A little, but only for the anaesthesiologist. I really wish he’d been more thorough with the checks—I don’t know quite what went wrong, but damn did he ever phone it in that day.
Do you have any lasting effects from the experience, like flashbacks or anxiety? …
I do! I developed PTSD afterwards, and do have all the classical symptoms. If there’s anyone I feel bad for, it’s my housemates. I occasionally wake them up with them—if I flop onto my stomach (the surgery position), for example.
During the operation could you hear the doctors I’ve always been curious since seeing the movie awake and what was the reaction of the doctors after you did come too? I’m sorry you endured what I imagine was a very traumatic experience thank you for doing this AMA
I could! The lead surgeon actually spent some time talking about his golf scores—and for some reason, that stuck with me. Well, when I came to I was super agitated (enough that it ended up in the medical notes, as you can see). And I started screaming “I can feel it! I could feel it I was AWAKE!”, so they called the doctor. The nurses tried to tell me it was just a bad trip from the morphine, and in my anger and panic, I looked at the doctor and snarled, “You suck at golf!”
He’d talked about that about halfway through, so it wasn’t anything I could have known otherwise. I have never seen someone go the colour of concrete before or since.
And yeah, it was pretty shitty and I’m still dealing with the PTSD from it, but hopefully this’ll be therapeutic! You’re very welcome.
How was the intubation? The breathing tube?
The absolute goddamn worst. It felt like I was choking and gagging and it hurt. I have a new respect for sword swallowers.
Would you say this is the worst pain you’ve felt?
Yes. Both physically and psychologically. I seen some shit, but that by far took the cake.
I am so glad to have never experienced this, though I did wake up during a retroparitaneal lymphadectomy. Standard procedure is to tape the eyes shut so they don’t dry out, and you’re on a respirator of course, but the tape wasn’t on tight enough so I was able to get one eye open. Kind of a mindfuck to look down and see your intestines unspooled onto the gurney next to you. Thankfully I was numbed up quite well, so as soon as one of the nurses saw me wink at her I was knocked back out. Anesthesia is a weird thing. …
Exactly! It’s actually fairly common for people to have some degree of awareness, but most of the time it’s something like Egon’s experiences, where the sleeper wears off, but the analgesic keeps working. It’s especially common in cases where low doses of anaesthetic are required to avoid putting the patient into a coma or something. Cesarians and, horrifically, after bodily trauma, I think I read somewhere.
But figures I’d be the like, 0.001 dude that gets the worst case scenario. And what’s worse is, I remember having that exact thought.
“Oh, come onnnnn”
...Can you describe what pain on that level is like? Why didn’t you pass out?
… The pain… I can’t put it into words, without getting flowery.
So remember, I can hear them, right? I just can’t see them (eyes taped closed, I can remember the tickle of my eyelash against the tape), on my stomach. Everything is black.
Ive had three surgeries prior, so this is no big deal for me. I’m thinking Im in the recovery room. Okay—but… why cant I breathe?!!? Panic, flail, manage to figure out how to manage and relax enough to let the machine breathe for me. Okay, I can handle this.
So I’m just awake a little early—that explains why I’m on my stomach. And then I hear, “Nurse, scalpel please.”
And then I realized very quickly that things were about to get really ugly if I didn’t do anything. So I talk myself through it. “Move your toes.” they dont move. “Next muscle.” Nothing. Oh god. “Fingers! Don’t panic, just wiggle your fingers.” I try, so hard, but nothing happens. That pounding is the sound of your heart in your ears. “Okay. Scream. Scream, please let them hear me” And nothing came out. And then I remember thinking, “Okay. Panic.”
and then I felt a tickle along the back of my ankle. It felt like when your leg goes numb and you drag a nail over if, or a sharp needle over skin, that sort of focused itchy feeling. And I thought, “Oh thank god”. I thought I couldn’t feel it—and then I felt it as cold. This intense, horrific dead-of-february-with-wet-hair cold… and then just the worst white heat ever.
I did. And always, the pain was enough to keep me awake.
You should write a book about this. I like your style and it’s very interesting
Thanks! I’ve considered it, if for no other reason than the fact that a service dog is expensive, and a psychologist even more so. …
… OP should have been knocked out.
I was supposed to be—someone sorta screwed the pooch with mine.
But still—the concept of it happening twice… fuck that, I’d rather die. Literally, no hyperbole. I’ve got it written into my general med file; if there’s a chance that giving me anaesthetic will kill me, but the alternative is pain of that level?
Dope me up and I’ll take it up with the devil.
I’m so sorry for you.. I had surgery a few months ago and my biggest fear was the anesthesia rather than the surgery itself. What were your thoughts during the surgery? (2.5 hours!) Have you managed the pain at the end of surgery, after having felt it so much? A kind of desensitization? After how long did you realize that you were awake? …
Yeah, the anaesthetics are the scariest, hands down. … My thoughts varied. Sometimes I sang. Sometimes I recited passages from books. Sometimes I remembered places I had visited—but it was like looking at pictures, not being in the action. The pain wasn’t worst at the end, it was the absolute worst when I heard the bone saw power up like the electric toothbrush from hell. That was the moment I hit rock bottom. And it only took me like, half a minute, cause I tried to move and couldn’t.
“IamA Anaesthesia Awareness survivor! AMA!”, by ohnozombees: