Interesting! reading this post make me realize I have somehow opposite opinion. the people I respect are often the people that are good at untangling big-scary-questions, so they will not be like that. It’s very much Bucket Errors—If i will think on X I will have to do uncomfortable thing Y. so the mental move that helped me was to untangle.
for example, when i thought about the possibility of break up i was practically panicking. it was very irrational, disentangles from the territory emotion—the break up itself was swift and easy and I’m pretty sure i should have done in sooner except i still have no idea when.
but the mental move that let me to think about that was to say to myself that I DON’T HAVE TO BREAK UP. now, it’s not exactly like that. i told myself we can stay together for a year. and then it was extremely clear i want to plan for this break up. and then during something like one week break up become the only possible option.
in the same way, I didn’t break up by having uncomfortable conversation. I just… didn’t. it’ harder to describe, but there are people that i can have emotionally vulnerable and deep conversations and people i don’t. and the right move is not to have the conversations with people that it hard to have them. but to have connections with those with whom it’s not hard to have those conversations.
for this move to work it have to be honest. for example, I’m staying at my job despite the real possibility i will be able to earn more in other place because it’s comfortable and moving jobs is very high cost emotionally to me. i did told myself year ago that if they don’t give me the promotion they promised i leave (and i believe this is why i actually got it), but I’m still here. and I’m not sure your framing will see that as the right choice, despite the fact i did stare into the abyss and precommited to search for different job if i don’t get the promotion.
there is two things here, to acknowledge something, and to change it. and you sorta conflating them here. for example, there are ultra-orthodox people here (Haredim) with some cult-like live. and there was forums (and i assume there are facebook groups) for Haredim-against-their-will. people who stare into the abyss, decided religion is a lie, and then decided it’s not worth to losing all their family and friends and work place, and it’s better to pretend.
there is to see something, and there is to act on it, and it’s two different things. and your framing is too much on the side of forcing yourself to do something as the only option, when I see forcing yourself to do things as form of self harm (like in Forcing yourself to keep your identity small is self-harm), and prefer ways that does not include forcing yourself, and that I don’t see in your map (but see in the territory).
also, I noticed now that I wrote a lot about where I disagree, and it’s misleading. I VERY MUCH agreeing that do the hard thing is very important life skill. I just prefer to un-abyss the abyss before you stare at it.
Interesting! reading this post make me realize I have somehow opposite opinion. the people I respect are often the people that are good at untangling big-scary-questions, so they will not be like that. It’s very much Bucket Errors—If i will think on X I will have to do uncomfortable thing Y. so the mental move that helped me was to untangle.
for example, when i thought about the possibility of break up i was practically panicking. it was very irrational, disentangles from the territory emotion—the break up itself was swift and easy and I’m pretty sure i should have done in sooner except i still have no idea when.
but the mental move that let me to think about that was to say to myself that I DON’T HAVE TO BREAK UP. now, it’s not exactly like that. i told myself we can stay together for a year. and then it was extremely clear i want to plan for this break up. and then during something like one week break up become the only possible option.
in the same way, I didn’t break up by having uncomfortable conversation. I just… didn’t. it’ harder to describe, but there are people that i can have emotionally vulnerable and deep conversations and people i don’t. and the right move is not to have the conversations with people that it hard to have them. but to have connections with those with whom it’s not hard to have those conversations.
for this move to work it have to be honest. for example, I’m staying at my job despite the real possibility i will be able to earn more in other place because it’s comfortable and moving jobs is very high cost emotionally to me. i did told myself year ago that if they don’t give me the promotion they promised i leave (and i believe this is why i actually got it), but I’m still here. and I’m not sure your framing will see that as the right choice, despite the fact i did stare into the abyss and precommited to search for different job if i don’t get the promotion.
there is two things here, to acknowledge something, and to change it. and you sorta conflating them here. for example, there are ultra-orthodox people here (Haredim) with some cult-like live. and there was forums (and i assume there are facebook groups) for Haredim-against-their-will. people who stare into the abyss, decided religion is a lie, and then decided it’s not worth to losing all their family and friends and work place, and it’s better to pretend.
there is to see something, and there is to act on it, and it’s two different things. and your framing is too much on the side of forcing yourself to do something as the only option, when I see forcing yourself to do things as form of self harm (like in Forcing yourself to keep your identity small is self-harm), and prefer ways that does not include forcing yourself, and that I don’t see in your map (but see in the territory).
also, I noticed now that I wrote a lot about where I disagree, and it’s misleading. I VERY MUCH agreeing that do the hard thing is very important life skill. I just prefer to un-abyss the abyss before you stare at it.