My wife and I separated 1.75 years ago. This followed a few years where we didn’t get along very well and it happened on about the third time my wife asked for it. We have two daughters who are 16 and 14 now, and that was a major concern for each of us.
The first time she seriously wanted out, she asked me to leave our house. I said no, told her she could leave if she wanted to. She was frustrated and looked into things, I think, and discovered she couldn’t make me leave. I meanwhile discovered that the bulk of advice to men in my position is NOT to leave.
I talked her back in to the relationship I guess two or three times over the years. But it never got better, only more distant.
When she told me what turned out to be the last time, there was no anger on her part, just “this time is it.” I recognized I could either fight it or join it and chose to join it, finally. I think the three earlier runs at it had helped change my mind sufficiently to make it much easier, and I suspect much of the success of our separation arises from her putting it off for a few years from when she first had the urge.
There never was another person, either for her, or for me, while we were married and living together. I think this is a feature, not a bug, that it contributed to the separation going very well. I like her new boyfriend well enough. My kids don’t, and I think it is just the situation, I don’t think there is a problem with him.
I kept the house thinking the kids would be more likely to spend time with me that way. It turned out not to be true. They went to the new condo with their mom and spent very little time with me in the old house, and told me I should sell it because it was too big for me to keep up.
I did buy with my wife the condo she bought, knowing she would never be able to get a mortgage without me. In our separation agreement I think she is “required” to refinance, but I told her as long as I am left on the deed and as long as she keeps making payments, she can keep the mortgage which has my name on it. She is grateful.
We did our separation agreement with only a mediator, who is an attorney who could write the necessary documents and get them through court as needed. We spent about 1/40th on the process as friends of mine i was talking to who were having a more typical divorce.
I did the property split myself, consulting her. She believed me and the mediator just put my split in the docs.
For child support/alimony I went along with 80% custody on her part to get the total I paid her up where she wanted it. I don’t think having the kids spend 1⁄2 time with each parent is something that is done for the kids, I think it is done for the parents. But I could be mistaken. In any case at 14 and 16 years, I have made it clear my kids can spend as much time as they want with me. They seem to “like” me better but they still spend most time with mom.
I added about 8% to my weight pushing me from BMI 37 to BMI 41 or so. So wasn’t good before consistently somewhat worse now.
I wound up with two dogs which probably constrain my going out more than they should.
I really liked reading your account, thank you.
My wife and I separated 1.75 years ago. This followed a few years where we didn’t get along very well and it happened on about the third time my wife asked for it. We have two daughters who are 16 and 14 now, and that was a major concern for each of us.
The first time she seriously wanted out, she asked me to leave our house. I said no, told her she could leave if she wanted to. She was frustrated and looked into things, I think, and discovered she couldn’t make me leave. I meanwhile discovered that the bulk of advice to men in my position is NOT to leave.
I talked her back in to the relationship I guess two or three times over the years. But it never got better, only more distant.
When she told me what turned out to be the last time, there was no anger on her part, just “this time is it.” I recognized I could either fight it or join it and chose to join it, finally. I think the three earlier runs at it had helped change my mind sufficiently to make it much easier, and I suspect much of the success of our separation arises from her putting it off for a few years from when she first had the urge.
There never was another person, either for her, or for me, while we were married and living together. I think this is a feature, not a bug, that it contributed to the separation going very well. I like her new boyfriend well enough. My kids don’t, and I think it is just the situation, I don’t think there is a problem with him.
I kept the house thinking the kids would be more likely to spend time with me that way. It turned out not to be true. They went to the new condo with their mom and spent very little time with me in the old house, and told me I should sell it because it was too big for me to keep up.
I did buy with my wife the condo she bought, knowing she would never be able to get a mortgage without me. In our separation agreement I think she is “required” to refinance, but I told her as long as I am left on the deed and as long as she keeps making payments, she can keep the mortgage which has my name on it. She is grateful.
We did our separation agreement with only a mediator, who is an attorney who could write the necessary documents and get them through court as needed. We spent about 1/40th on the process as friends of mine i was talking to who were having a more typical divorce.
I did the property split myself, consulting her. She believed me and the mediator just put my split in the docs.
For child support/alimony I went along with 80% custody on her part to get the total I paid her up where she wanted it. I don’t think having the kids spend 1⁄2 time with each parent is something that is done for the kids, I think it is done for the parents. But I could be mistaken. In any case at 14 and 16 years, I have made it clear my kids can spend as much time as they want with me. They seem to “like” me better but they still spend most time with mom.
I added about 8% to my weight pushing me from BMI 37 to BMI 41 or so. So wasn’t good before consistently somewhat worse now.
I wound up with two dogs which probably constrain my going out more than they should.