Sorry to hear you had such bad experiences. Community is often hard. I lived in a community house in my 20s, and it was quite chaotic. We were more hippie co-op than rationalist collective, but we had one particularly dramatic conflict between older, more responsible progressives and the younger, party-oriented anarchists.
I also met my wife at that co-op and we are still happily married. So it wasn’t all bad. :)
Creating a culture and formal rules, especially for negotiating differing values and/or personal conflicts can really help. Don’t shy away from governance, or even creating an official co-op with a charter and so on.