You’ve probably heard people say that emotional suppression is bad, and self-soothing is good.
While Google bears this out, I have never before encountered the expression “self-soothing”. Without that search, it would have suggested to me the activity of denying reality like the “this is fine” dog. Apparently it originated with someone studying baby sleep, and was a dormitive principle masquerading as an explanation for how a sleeping baby sometimes wakes up, then goes back to sleep without crying. It “self-soothed”. Since then it has broadened enormously to mean any way of staying calm in the face of adversity. The means suggested in Google’s AI summary include such things as a long hot bath, walking through a park, “a carefully curated calming playlist”, scented candles, herbal tea, and so on. I find nothing useful in that, and indeed my general response to it is “ick”.
Several examples in the article tend to agree with that, recommending addressing the adversity first. Someone in abject poverty first of all needs money, not “self-soothing”. Speaking only for myself, I believe there are no circumstances in which I would engage in this “self-soothing”.
The lines between “self-soothing”, “this is fine” and “emotional suppression” look thin to nonexistent, boo-words and hurrah-words for the same activities.
I think in this context(and in my general idea of the term), self-soothing refers less to an outside thing to do, and rather an internal skill, a “mental action”, of soothing one’s own “Big Emotions” down from a state of overwhelm into one where you’re able to actually think about what is happening and how to solve it, or if it needs solving at all or you’re just having an emotional overraction to a trigger. Like a parent calming down(soothing) a child who is having a crying or anger outburst, except you’re both the child and the parent.
Candlelit baths may facilitate an environment in which this is easier to achieve, but they’re not the technique. The goal would be to aquire and train the skill in such easy environments and ultimately be able to apply it immediately, in the situation where one is in mental turmoil.
The AI summary gave you a wrong definition/idea of the thing in question.
I think we’ve got a pretty clear case of “Self-Soothing₁ vs Self-Soothing₂” here:
What I and the article are referencing is That Internal Thing that takes place when being soothed down from your Big Emotions, self-triggered as immediately and mentally as possible; While what your sources describe are techniques for people who did not acquire this as a natural skill from their caretakers when they were little, aimed at triggering That Internal Thing.
I propose differentiating between A: “The skill/event of [internally] self-soothing” and B: “Self-soothing techniques[via the external world as intermediate], aimed at triggering A”.
Do you figure that captures both our perspectives?
It apepars that my mental constitution is rather different from those of people who do experience Those Big Emotions and Soothing and You Know, That Internal Thing. The very ontology does not match what I observe in myself.
When bad things happen, I deal with them and move on.
That sounds like everything went well enough for you in your formative phase that you indeed possess the skill of Self-Soothing₁ and are triggering That Internal Thing automatically and naturally. It’s the kind of mental stuff you take for granted if it works properly and are only forced to notice and actively think about when it’s broken. Imagine having to learn to walk for the first time as a fully-formed adult. It’d be a pretty difficult and complicated affair to learn all the subtle movement/feedback patterns etc. If you had outside instruction, you might learn certain terms and ways of consciously thinking about the act of walking. This is Self-Soothing₂.
A regular person hearing you discuss this with your fellow walking-learners in passing would certainly go: “Well no clue about all those words you’re using and concepts you’re talking about. They certainly don’t match anything I observe in myself[because he has never actually needed to observe that part of himself in such depth, never had to intentionally learn/apply Self-Soothing₁]. When I’m walking, I just put one foot in front of the other!”
I remain sceptical that these parts actually exist, rather than being (like most forms of psychotherapy) an invented story that helps some people. Crutches help some people to walk, but that doesn’t mean that people who walk fine without crutches just haven’t noticed the crutches. They really don’t have them!
The crutches would be Self-Soothing₂ in my map. Walking is Self-Soothing₁. You’re already walking fine, so you don’t need the crutches. What you’re not noticing is the internal process of orchestrating the walking. You’ve well abstracted it away. Other people have to unfold that entire dimension which to you is just a point. In programming terms, you’re already running a firmware driver that other people need to write from scratch, which does a million things for you with just one function call. You’re only seeing “walk()”, while others are looking at the documentation and using trial-and-error to write the underlying library.
I am fortunate enough to have always been able-bodied, so learned to walk in my early years. Presumably by continual trying, no instruction involved. But I have since had occasion to learn other motor skills, for example riding a bicycle. I learned to do that by doing it. No instruction, no “figuring out”, no “documentation”, just getting on and trying, over and over. It took about three weeks.
I cannot map any of this to the concepts under discussion here. I prefer to just do things. Ok, some people cannot just, and must use other means, and “self-soothing” is one of those other means.
While Google bears this out, I have never before encountered the expression “self-soothing”. Without that search, it would have suggested to me the activity of denying reality like the “this is fine” dog. Apparently it originated with someone studying baby sleep, and was a dormitive principle masquerading as an explanation for how a sleeping baby sometimes wakes up, then goes back to sleep without crying. It “self-soothed”. Since then it has broadened enormously to mean any way of staying calm in the face of adversity. The means suggested in Google’s AI summary include such things as a long hot bath, walking through a park, “a carefully curated calming playlist”, scented candles, herbal tea, and so on. I find nothing useful in that, and indeed my general response to it is “ick”.
Several examples in the article tend to agree with that, recommending addressing the adversity first. Someone in abject poverty first of all needs money, not “self-soothing”. Speaking only for myself, I believe there are no circumstances in which I would engage in this “self-soothing”.
The lines between “self-soothing”, “this is fine” and “emotional suppression” look thin to nonexistent, boo-words and hurrah-words for the same activities.
I think in this context(and in my general idea of the term), self-soothing refers less to an outside thing to do, and rather an internal skill, a “mental action”, of soothing one’s own “Big Emotions” down from a state of overwhelm into one where you’re able to actually think about what is happening and how to solve it, or if it needs solving at all or you’re just having an emotional overraction to a trigger. Like a parent calming down(soothing) a child who is having a crying or anger outburst, except you’re both the child and the parent.
Candlelit baths may facilitate an environment in which this is easier to achieve, but they’re not the technique. The goal would be to aquire and train the skill in such easy environments and ultimately be able to apply it immediately, in the situation where one is in mental turmoil.
The AI summary gave you a wrong definition/idea of the thing in question.
According to the first four Google hits today, it gave me a completely right idea. Those include two Reddit discussions with multiple contributors.
Briefly excepted from the second link:
comforting smells such as scented candles, essential oils, or body lotion
pleasant tastes such as herbal teas or favorite snacks
soothing things to touch such as a favorite sweater, wrap, or stress ball
comforting sights such as photos of loved ones, pets, or favorite places
soothing sounds such as a favorite piece of music or guided meditation track
The first says the same at greater length, and the Reddit discussions the same but more fragmentary. There is no mention of this being easy mode.
If all of these are wrong, what is right?
I think we’ve got a pretty clear case of “Self-Soothing₁ vs Self-Soothing₂” here:
What I and the article are referencing is That Internal Thing that takes place when being soothed down from your Big Emotions, self-triggered as immediately and mentally as possible; While what your sources describe are techniques for people who did not acquire this as a natural skill from their caretakers when they were little, aimed at triggering That Internal Thing.
I propose differentiating between A: “The skill/event of [internally] self-soothing” and B: “Self-soothing techniques[via the external world as intermediate], aimed at triggering A”.
Do you figure that captures both our perspectives?
It apepars that my mental constitution is rather different from those of people who do experience Those Big Emotions and Soothing and You Know, That Internal Thing. The very ontology does not match what I observe in myself.
When bad things happen, I deal with them and move on.
That sounds like everything went well enough for you in your formative phase that you indeed possess the skill of Self-Soothing₁ and are triggering That Internal Thing automatically and naturally. It’s the kind of mental stuff you take for granted if it works properly and are only forced to notice and actively think about when it’s broken.
Imagine having to learn to walk for the first time as a fully-formed adult. It’d be a pretty difficult and complicated affair to learn all the subtle movement/feedback patterns etc. If you had outside instruction, you might learn certain terms and ways of consciously thinking about the act of walking. This is Self-Soothing₂.
A regular person hearing you discuss this with your fellow walking-learners in passing would certainly go: “Well no clue about all those words you’re using and concepts you’re talking about. They certainly don’t match anything I observe in myself[because he has never actually needed to observe that part of himself in such depth, never had to intentionally learn/apply Self-Soothing₁]. When I’m walking, I just put one foot in front of the other!”
I remain sceptical that these parts actually exist, rather than being (like most forms of psychotherapy) an invented story that helps some people. Crutches help some people to walk, but that doesn’t mean that people who walk fine without crutches just haven’t noticed the crutches. They really don’t have them!
The crutches would be Self-Soothing₂ in my map. Walking is Self-Soothing₁. You’re already walking fine, so you don’t need the crutches. What you’re not noticing is the internal process of orchestrating the walking. You’ve well abstracted it away. Other people have to unfold that entire dimension which to you is just a point. In programming terms, you’re already running a firmware driver that other people need to write from scratch, which does a million things for you with just one function call. You’re only seeing “walk()”, while others are looking at the documentation and using trial-and-error to write the underlying library.
I am fortunate enough to have always been able-bodied, so learned to walk in my early years. Presumably by continual trying, no instruction involved. But I have since had occasion to learn other motor skills, for example riding a bicycle. I learned to do that by doing it. No instruction, no “figuring out”, no “documentation”, just getting on and trying, over and over. It took about three weeks.
I cannot map any of this to the concepts under discussion here. I prefer to just do things. Ok, some people cannot just, and must use other means, and “self-soothing” is one of those other means.