First: Skill (“socially adept”) and status are distinct; I’m not sure but it kinda sounds like you are conflating them.
Second: Formal “don’t hug without asking” rules are usually recommended for situations involving strangers, such as conventions and meetups — and for situations where a person might be discouraged by power imbalance from expressing their discomfort, such as workplaces. Much of the purpose of the rule is to assure people who don’t want to be hugged that they will not be. The goal isn’t to regulate intimacy but to deter unwanted intimacy and to assure people they won’t be subjected to it.
(I posted the relevant bit of the OpenSF polyamory conference’s code of conduct elsethread, but here’s the link.)
Third: Some of the times that you think you’ve seen someone correctly predict that someone wanted a hug, you may have actually witnessed someone who didn’t want a hug playing along to avoid making a scene, or to please the hugger, or the like — especially if the hugger is high-status. Pretending to enjoy something is a thing. Part of the point of the rule is to reduce the chance of putting anyone in that situation — and to remind people that saying no is respected.
I think you’re right about the socially adept overhugging situations. Nevertheless, I don’t think the non-hugging-without-asking advice is helpful to the intended audience.
For one thing, this socially-adept over-hugger, for all his flaws, is still much preferable and beneficial to the group than the archetypal, socially-inept creep under discussion. So, while the overhugger might be strictly better for the group to the follow the hugging advice, I would still say the most important thing (the low-hanging fruit here) is to teach the creep the things that the overhugger is doing right, not to tell him to avoid the things the overhugger is doing wrong.
Like I’ve tried to demonstrate here, it’s hard to form a model of the things you need to do in a group setting when a) you don’t know how to act, and b) all advice you get is in the negative. If it does anything, the negative advice just reinforces a mental model that says, “to be on the safe side, don’t even talk to anyone because you might hit one of the prohibited things”, which is not a step forward. And if my own experience is any guide, it just blends into the same old message of, “your desires are bad, how dare you act on them”—not a healthy mentality to encourage in the target audience, who probably already assimilated this message early on.
First: Skill (“socially adept”) and status are distinct; I’m not sure but it kinda sounds like you are conflating them.
Second: Formal “don’t hug without asking” rules are usually recommended for situations involving strangers, such as conventions and meetups — and for situations where a person might be discouraged by power imbalance from expressing their discomfort, such as workplaces. Much of the purpose of the rule is to assure people who don’t want to be hugged that they will not be. The goal isn’t to regulate intimacy but to deter unwanted intimacy and to assure people they won’t be subjected to it.
(I posted the relevant bit of the OpenSF polyamory conference’s code of conduct elsethread, but here’s the link.)
Third: Some of the times that you think you’ve seen someone correctly predict that someone wanted a hug, you may have actually witnessed someone who didn’t want a hug playing along to avoid making a scene, or to please the hugger, or the like — especially if the hugger is high-status. Pretending to enjoy something is a thing. Part of the point of the rule is to reduce the chance of putting anyone in that situation — and to remind people that saying no is respected.
I think you’re right about the socially adept overhugging situations. Nevertheless, I don’t think the non-hugging-without-asking advice is helpful to the intended audience.
For one thing, this socially-adept over-hugger, for all his flaws, is still much preferable and beneficial to the group than the archetypal, socially-inept creep under discussion. So, while the overhugger might be strictly better for the group to the follow the hugging advice, I would still say the most important thing (the low-hanging fruit here) is to teach the creep the things that the overhugger is doing right, not to tell him to avoid the things the overhugger is doing wrong.
Like I’ve tried to demonstrate here, it’s hard to form a model of the things you need to do in a group setting when a) you don’t know how to act, and b) all advice you get is in the negative. If it does anything, the negative advice just reinforces a mental model that says, “to be on the safe side, don’t even talk to anyone because you might hit one of the prohibited things”, which is not a step forward. And if my own experience is any guide, it just blends into the same old message of, “your desires are bad, how dare you act on them”—not a healthy mentality to encourage in the target audience, who probably already assimilated this message early on.