I recently laid myself out on train tracks but chickened out on getting struck by a train out of concern that train might be designed to mangle trespasses without killing them. My new antidepressants don’t seem to be doing particularly anything, I don’t enjoy basically anything and I feel hollow constantly. I just want to feel. And the thought that motivates most things I do creeps up and says: ‘why don’t you try something new? maybe it will change things?’. And I blindly follow that thought into a new dilemma. Later that night (incidentally, bi awareness day) I signed up to Grindr and accepted the first invitation for sex I was offered. I received anal sex, my first time, and was potentially infected by HIV when my partner surreptitiously removed his condom. Now I’m taking post-exposure prophylaxis. A few days in it’s hit me. I feel like the fog of my life, of trivial non-consequence, whim, impulse and irrationality is falling away. I can’t ignore the call to rationality, nor can I passively aggressively skirt around legitimate self-improvement by lounging around a site like this without using it for its intended purpose.
I stopped taking drugs when someone I respected told me “I need to sort my life out” or something to that effect. I’m starting to realise that, although nobody here has said that broadly, specific troubleshooting over my posting history have pointed towards that verdict.
I am going to leave this place. I don’t intend to delete this account. I hope I can look back upon it with maturity in the future. Clarity is dead. If I create a new account in the future I expect my posting to have radically improved grammar, subject-matter, frequency, civility and formatting.
My time with this account has helped me learn starkly unclear I was in the beginning. Ironically, as my name indicates, I thought this was my strength. I had a previous account before this where I posted non-stop for around 6 or 7 hours in one evening, mostly direct quotes from Wikipedia. It was terrible. I thought I was making a valuable contribution, haha. Before that, I had an account and couldn’t even figure out how to post. It was an useful barrier to maintain the quality of the site. As is this action, voluntary self-censorship, I hope: I’m exiling myself from this place till at least the end of the year, and another. 31 December 2016. I don’t what my new account name will be, or how long if ever I’ll take to fess up and take responsibility for my contributions via this account. But if I do return, it will be because I want to make a positive contribution to the community, and not to use it for perceived personal gain irrespective of impact on the community.
Perhaps I’ll see you in 2016, LWers, perhaps I won’t. Thank you for all you’ve done for me, and personal messages of support I’ve received over time and any ways in which I might have been a negative influence on the community.
Proof of HIV PREP - ‘pics or it didn’t happen’ - ‘m3100’ was written on the white tablet
’4331 gilead’ was written on the blue tablet.
Goodbye, whether it be forever or till next time,
Clarity
Edit: exile for an arbitrary time frame is stupid. I’m back.
I recently laid myself out on train tracks but chickened out on getting struck by a train out of concern that train might be designed to mangle trespasses without killing them. My new antidepressants don’t seem to be doing particularly anything, I don’t enjoy basically anything and I feel hollow constantly. I just want to feel. And the thought that motivates most things I do creeps up and says: ‘why don’t you try something new? maybe it will change things?’. And I blindly follow that thought into a new dilemma. Later that night (incidentally, bi awareness day) I signed up to Grindr and accepted the first invitation for sex I was offered. I received anal sex, my first time, and was potentially infected by HIV when my partner surreptitiously removed his condom. Now I’m taking post-exposure prophylaxis. A few days in it’s hit me. I feel like the fog of my life, of trivial non-consequence, whim, impulse and irrationality is falling away. I can’t ignore the call to rationality, nor can I passively aggressively skirt around legitimate self-improvement by lounging around a site like this without using it for its intended purpose.
I stopped taking drugs when someone I respected told me “I need to sort my life out” or something to that effect. I’m starting to realise that, although nobody here has said that broadly, specific troubleshooting over my posting history have pointed towards that verdict.
I am going to leave this place. I don’t intend to delete this account. I hope I can look back upon it with maturity in the future. Clarity is dead. If I create a new account in the future I expect my posting to have radically improved grammar, subject-matter, frequency, civility and formatting.
My time with this account has helped me learn starkly unclear I was in the beginning. Ironically, as my name indicates, I thought this was my strength. I had a previous account before this where I posted non-stop for around 6 or 7 hours in one evening, mostly direct quotes from Wikipedia. It was terrible. I thought I was making a valuable contribution, haha. Before that, I had an account and couldn’t even figure out how to post. It was an useful barrier to maintain the quality of the site. As is this action, voluntary self-censorship, I hope: I’m exiling myself from this place till at least the end of the year, and another. 31 December 2016. I don’t what my new account name will be, or how long if ever I’ll take to fess up and take responsibility for my contributions via this account. But if I do return, it will be because I want to make a positive contribution to the community, and not to use it for perceived personal gain irrespective of impact on the community.
Perhaps I’ll see you in 2016, LWers, perhaps I won’t. Thank you for all you’ve done for me, and personal messages of support I’ve received over time and any ways in which I might have been a negative influence on the community.
Proof of HIV PREP - ‘pics or it didn’t happen’ - ‘m3100’ was written on the white tablet ’4331 gilead’ was written on the blue tablet.
Goodbye, whether it be forever or till next time, Clarity
Edit: exile for an arbitrary time frame is stupid. I’m back.