Firstly, I’d like to warn against solving this issue too well. If you’re ashamed of nudity, for instance, and you accidentally fix this too well—then all you will feel being nude in the future is ‘nothing’. You will have removed the thrill as well. I consider this problem to be similar to being unable to cry, or to being weirdly unaffected when something terrible happens around you.
If you’re generalized-coming-out to people who themselves already feel emotionally close to you
I think this is true, and that it’s because they already want to get to know you better, or to find a weakness in you which they can exploit. If they want your vulnerability with a value of 0.2, then it’s alright that your insecurity has a negative value of −0.1. The other persons “demand” protects your “supply” from falling below 0 value, so you’re forgiven. For instance, if I offered you a bottle of water and you didn’t even want it, that could seem quite pathetic, an attempt at giving gifts to be liked, perhaps. But.. What if you were thirsty? Then you’d interpret me as providing value, and not as a person begging to be valued. Other people having an interest in you helps create a situation in which you’re not merely oversharing to strangers online.
Speaking of supply and demand, things are higher value when they’re rare. People usually appreciate you sharing your weakness more if it’s special (i.e. they’re the only person you told). It can come across positively even if this is not the case, but then it’s more of a “This person seems open-minded, so I don’t have to fear being judged by them” interpretation. Nobody would want to cuddle with a hedgehog.
I know much better places to share my soul than LW. Young people seem more accepting in general, they have learned less red flags, so they treat you as an individual. In short, there’s less false positives, projected fears and such. People on LW tend to be high in openness, though, so there’s at least that. I learn a lot from observing women. Women are good at making weakness, vulnerability, helplessness and other such traits appear endaring rather than pathetic, which impresses me a lot. Turning something bad into something good? If we could generalize this, we wouldn’t even need to reduce suffering, we could simply give it value instead. Idol personalities do similar things, they’re forced to retain a very high value, while still being ordinary and human in a lot of ways in order to connect with their fans. They need to ignore common dating advice like “be cold, stoic, masculine and mature” and still get women to fight over them! In short, this seems more like an artistic skill than a technical one. Can you write a book with a likable villian? Then you can likely also be mischievous in an endaring manner.
Finally, if you don’t want to be judged negatively, avoid moralizers. Preaching in general is a sign that somebody is fighting against something that they’re afraid of, and that they might label you negatively if you remind them of something which they associate with something which they associate with something which they hate or fear. Most traits that somebody else would actually harm you for having are in the category of politics, so I’d also avoid anyone who talks about politics a lot.
Interesting post! Thank you.
Firstly, I’d like to warn against solving this issue too well. If you’re ashamed of nudity, for instance, and you accidentally fix this too well—then all you will feel being nude in the future is ‘nothing’. You will have removed the thrill as well. I consider this problem to be similar to being unable to cry, or to being weirdly unaffected when something terrible happens around you.
I think this is true, and that it’s because they already want to get to know you better, or to find a weakness in you which they can exploit. If they want your vulnerability with a value of 0.2, then it’s alright that your insecurity has a negative value of −0.1. The other persons “demand” protects your “supply” from falling below 0 value, so you’re forgiven.
For instance, if I offered you a bottle of water and you didn’t even want it, that could seem quite pathetic, an attempt at giving gifts to be liked, perhaps. But.. What if you were thirsty? Then you’d interpret me as providing value, and not as a person begging to be valued. Other people having an interest in you helps create a situation in which you’re not merely oversharing to strangers online.
Speaking of supply and demand, things are higher value when they’re rare. People usually appreciate you sharing your weakness more if it’s special (i.e. they’re the only person you told). It can come across positively even if this is not the case, but then it’s more of a “This person seems open-minded, so I don’t have to fear being judged by them” interpretation. Nobody would want to cuddle with a hedgehog.
I know much better places to share my soul than LW. Young people seem more accepting in general, they have learned less red flags, so they treat you as an individual. In short, there’s less false positives, projected fears and such. People on LW tend to be high in openness, though, so there’s at least that.
I learn a lot from observing women. Women are good at making weakness, vulnerability, helplessness and other such traits appear endaring rather than pathetic, which impresses me a lot. Turning something bad into something good? If we could generalize this, we wouldn’t even need to reduce suffering, we could simply give it value instead. Idol personalities do similar things, they’re forced to retain a very high value, while still being ordinary and human in a lot of ways in order to connect with their fans. They need to ignore common dating advice like “be cold, stoic, masculine and mature” and still get women to fight over them! In short, this seems more like an artistic skill than a technical one. Can you write a book with a likable villian? Then you can likely also be mischievous in an endaring manner.
Finally, if you don’t want to be judged negatively, avoid moralizers. Preaching in general is a sign that somebody is fighting against something that they’re afraid of, and that they might label you negatively if you remind them of something which they associate with something which they associate with something which they hate or fear. Most traits that somebody else would actually harm you for having are in the category of politics, so I’d also avoid anyone who talks about politics a lot.