I’ve just explained a problem to a friend / family member and they offer advice that feels plain wrong.
Exactly. That’s the typical situation atypical (and often the rest of us) find themselves in. Wanting to fix others by giving the obvious (to us, and often to them) advice that rarely comes across as a new insight. The issue is so pervasive, there are books written about it. The popular series “How to talk so [X] will listen and listen so [X] will talk” is one of many. Giving unsolicited advice is generally is both the most natural and the least helpful thing people do. You can probably catch yourself doing exactly that when someone talks to you about their issues. Notice it :)
What helps best is something much harder, something very few people have a gift for, but something that can be easily learned: active listening. The idea is very basic: imagine that person in that person’s situation, including their mindset. This is different from imagining yourself in their situation, since you are a different person! Eliezer calls it an internal model of that person. Once you can do that, you can imagine, though not necessarily feel their pain, their struggles, what makes them do the things they do.
The best first reaction after you run the model is expressing empathy: saying, in your own words, what their situation is, what they are likely feeling, thus validating their emotional struggles.
The next useful step is generally asking a good smart open-ended question or two, clarifying the situation, helping them see their situation from a new angle, basically finding a question that would help them get unstuck, mentally. Then go back to step one. Rinse and repeat until the thoughts, feelings and the circumstances are clear in their mind.
Finally, and optionally, you can ask what they think their options are, and pros and cons of each, and so on. Maybe even suggest something they may have overlooked and ask what they think about those. Often asking what they might suggest to someone in a similar situation is also not a bad angle. We suck at having the outside view on our own situation, and suggesting the person tries that angle themselves can do wonders. “Optionally” is because if you do enough cycles of the first two steps, it might not be needed. People are generally not stupid, and once the tangled web of thoughts and feelings is sorted, they see the solutions that would work for them.
Exactly. That’s the typical situation atypical (and often the rest of us) find themselves in. Wanting to fix others by giving the obvious (to us, and often to them) advice that rarely comes across as a new insight. The issue is so pervasive, there are books written about it. The popular series “How to talk so [X] will listen and listen so [X] will talk” is one of many. Giving unsolicited advice is generally is both the most natural and the least helpful thing people do. You can probably catch yourself doing exactly that when someone talks to you about their issues. Notice it :)
What helps best is something much harder, something very few people have a gift for, but something that can be easily learned: active listening. The idea is very basic: imagine that person in that person’s situation, including their mindset. This is different from imagining yourself in their situation, since you are a different person! Eliezer calls it an internal model of that person. Once you can do that, you can imagine, though not necessarily feel their pain, their struggles, what makes them do the things they do.
The best first reaction after you run the model is expressing empathy: saying, in your own words, what their situation is, what they are likely feeling, thus validating their emotional struggles.
The next useful step is generally asking a good smart open-ended question or two, clarifying the situation, helping them see their situation from a new angle, basically finding a question that would help them get unstuck, mentally. Then go back to step one. Rinse and repeat until the thoughts, feelings and the circumstances are clear in their mind.
Finally, and optionally, you can ask what they think their options are, and pros and cons of each, and so on. Maybe even suggest something they may have overlooked and ask what they think about those. Often asking what they might suggest to someone in a similar situation is also not a bad angle. We suck at having the outside view on our own situation, and suggesting the person tries that angle themselves can do wonders. “Optionally” is because if you do enough cycles of the first two steps, it might not be needed. People are generally not stupid, and once the tangled web of thoughts and feelings is sorted, they see the solutions that would work for them.
Hope this helped :)