“G” fits my own understanding best: “Not Okay” is a generalized alarm state, and the ambiguity is a feature, not a bug.
(Generally) we have an expectation that things are supposed to be “Okay” so when they’re not, this conflict is uncomfortable and draws attention to the fact that “something is wrong!”. What exactly it takes to provoke this alarm into going off depends on the person/context/mindset because it depends on (what they realize) they haven’t already taken into account, and that’s kinda the point. For example, if you’re on a boat and notice that you’re on a collision course with a rock you might panic a bit and think “We have to change course!!!”, which is an example of “things not being okay”. However, the driver might already see the rock and is Okay because the “trajectory” he’s on includes turning away from the rock so there’s no danger. And of course, other passengers may be in Okay Mode because they fail to see the rock or because they kinda see the rock but they are averse to being Not Okay and therefore try to ignore it as long as possible.
In that light, “Everything is Okay” is reassurance that the alarm can be dismissed. Maybe it’s because the driver already sees the rock. Maybe it’s because our “boat” is actually a hovercraft which will float right over the rock without issue. Maybe we actually will hit the rock, but there’s nothing we can do to not hit the rock, and the damages will be acceptable. Getting people back into Okay Mode is in exercise in getting people to believe that one of these is true, and you don’t necessarily have to specify which one if they trust you, and if the details are important that’s what the rest of the conversation is for.
The best way to get the benefits of ‘okay’ in avoiding giant stress balls, while still retaining the motivation to act and address problems or opportunities is to “just” engage with the situation without holding back.
Okay, so we’re headed for a rock, now what? If that’s alarming then it’s alarming. Are we actually going to hit it if we simply dismiss the alarm and go back to autopilot? If so, would that be more costly than the cost of the stress needed to avert it? What can we actually do to stop it? Can we just talk to the driver? Is that likely to work?
If that’s likely to work and you’re on track to doing that, then “can we sanely go back to autopilot?” can evaluate as “yes” again and we can go back to Okay Mode—at least, until the driver doesn’t listen and we no longer expect out autopilot to handle the situation satisfactorily. You get to go back to Okay Mode as soon as you’ve taken the new information into account and gotten back on a track you’re willing to accept over the costs of stressing more.
“The Kensho thing”, as I see it, is the recognition that these alarms aren’t “fundamental truths” where the meaning resides. They’re momentary alarms that call for the redirection of one’s attention, and the ultimate place that everything resolves to after doing your homework and integrating all the information is back to a state which calls for no alarms. That’s why it’s not “nothing matters, everything is equally good” or “you’ll feel good no matter what once you’re enlightened”—it’s just “Things are okay, on a fundamental level alarms are not called for, behaviors are, and it’s my job to figure out which. If I’m not okay with them that signals a problem with me in that I have not yet integrated all the information available and gotten back on my best-possible-track”. So when your friend dies or you realize that humanity is going to be obliterated, it’s not “Lol, that’s fine”, it’s room to keep a drive to not only do something about it, a drive to stare reality in the face as much as you can manage, to regulate how much you stare at painful truths so that you keep your responses productive, and a desire to up one’s ability to handle unpleasant conflict.
How should one react to those who are primarily optimizing for being in Okay Mode at the expense of other concerns
Fundamentally, it’s a problem of aversion to unpleasant conflict. Sometimes they won’t actually see the problem here so it can be complicated by their endorsement of avoidance, but even in those cases it’s probably most productive to ignore their own narratives and instead directly address the thing that’s causing them to want to avoid.
Shoving in their face more reasons to be Not Okay is likely to trigger more avoidance, so instead of trying to argue why “Here’s how closing your eyes means you’re more likely to fail to avoid the rock, and therefore kill everyone. Can you imagine how unfun drowning will be?” (which I would expect to lead to more rationalizations/avoidance), I’d focus on helping them be comfortable. More “Yeah, it’s super unfun for things to be Not Okay, and I can’t blame you for not wanting to do it more than necessary”/”Yes, it’s super important to be able to be able to regulate one’s own level of Okayness, since being an emotional wreck often makes things worse, and it’s good that you don’t fail in that way”.
Of course, you don’t want to just make them comfortable staying in Okay Mode because then there’s no motivation to switch, so when there’s a little more room to introduce unpleasant ideas without causing folding you can place a little more emphasis on “it’s good that you fail in that way”, and how completely avoiding stress isn’t ideal or consequence free either.
It’s a bit of a balancing act, and more easily said than done. You have to be able to pull off sincerity when you reassure them that you get where they’re coming from and that it’s actually better than doing the thing they fear their option is, and without “Not Okaying” at them by pushing them “It’s Not Okay that you feel Okay!”. It’s a lot easier when you can be Okay that they’re in Okay mode because they’re Not Okay with being Not Okay, partially just because externalizing ones alarms as a flinch is rarely the most helpful way of doing things. But also because if you’re Okay you can “go first” and give them a proof of concept and reference example for what it looks like to stare at the uncomfortable thing (or uncomfortable things in general) and stay in Okay Mode. It helps them know “Hey, this is actually possible”, and feel like you might even be able to help them get closer to it.
or those who are using Okay as a weapon?
Again, I’d just completely disregard their narratives on this one. They’re implying that if you’re Not Okay, then it’s a “you problem”. So what? Make sure they’re wrong and demonstrate it.
“God, it’s just a little fib. Are you okay??”
“Not really. I think honesty about these kinds of things is actually extremely important, and I’m still trying to figure out where I went wrong expecting not to have that happen”
Or
“Yeah, no, I’m fine. I just want to make sure that these people know your history when deciding how much to trust you”.
“G” fits my own understanding best: “Not Okay” is a generalized alarm state, and the ambiguity is a feature, not a bug.
(Generally) we have an expectation that things are supposed to be “Okay” so when they’re not, this conflict is uncomfortable and draws attention to the fact that “something is wrong!”. What exactly it takes to provoke this alarm into going off depends on the person/context/mindset because it depends on (what they realize) they haven’t already taken into account, and that’s kinda the point. For example, if you’re on a boat and notice that you’re on a collision course with a rock you might panic a bit and think “We have to change course!!!”, which is an example of “things not being okay”. However, the driver might already see the rock and is Okay because the “trajectory” he’s on includes turning away from the rock so there’s no danger. And of course, other passengers may be in Okay Mode because they fail to see the rock or because they kinda see the rock but they are averse to being Not Okay and therefore try to ignore it as long as possible.
In that light, “Everything is Okay” is reassurance that the alarm can be dismissed. Maybe it’s because the driver already sees the rock. Maybe it’s because our “boat” is actually a hovercraft which will float right over the rock without issue. Maybe we actually will hit the rock, but there’s nothing we can do to not hit the rock, and the damages will be acceptable. Getting people back into Okay Mode is in exercise in getting people to believe that one of these is true, and you don’t necessarily have to specify which one if they trust you, and if the details are important that’s what the rest of the conversation is for.
The best way to get the benefits of ‘okay’ in avoiding giant stress balls, while still retaining the motivation to act and address problems or opportunities is to “just” engage with the situation without holding back.
Okay, so we’re headed for a rock, now what? If that’s alarming then it’s alarming. Are we actually going to hit it if we simply dismiss the alarm and go back to autopilot? If so, would that be more costly than the cost of the stress needed to avert it? What can we actually do to stop it? Can we just talk to the driver? Is that likely to work?
If that’s likely to work and you’re on track to doing that, then “can we sanely go back to autopilot?” can evaluate as “yes” again and we can go back to Okay Mode—at least, until the driver doesn’t listen and we no longer expect out autopilot to handle the situation satisfactorily. You get to go back to Okay Mode as soon as you’ve taken the new information into account and gotten back on a track you’re willing to accept over the costs of stressing more.
“The Kensho thing”, as I see it, is the recognition that these alarms aren’t “fundamental truths” where the meaning resides. They’re momentary alarms that call for the redirection of one’s attention, and the ultimate place that everything resolves to after doing your homework and integrating all the information is back to a state which calls for no alarms. That’s why it’s not “nothing matters, everything is equally good” or “you’ll feel good no matter what once you’re enlightened”—it’s just “Things are okay, on a fundamental level alarms are not called for, behaviors are, and it’s my job to figure out which. If I’m not okay with them that signals a problem with me in that I have not yet integrated all the information available and gotten back on my best-possible-track”. So when your friend dies or you realize that humanity is going to be obliterated, it’s not “Lol, that’s fine”, it’s room to keep a drive to not only do something about it, a drive to stare reality in the face as much as you can manage, to regulate how much you stare at painful truths so that you keep your responses productive, and a desire to up one’s ability to handle unpleasant conflict.
Fundamentally, it’s a problem of aversion to unpleasant conflict. Sometimes they won’t actually see the problem here so it can be complicated by their endorsement of avoidance, but even in those cases it’s probably most productive to ignore their own narratives and instead directly address the thing that’s causing them to want to avoid.
Shoving in their face more reasons to be Not Okay is likely to trigger more avoidance, so instead of trying to argue why “Here’s how closing your eyes means you’re more likely to fail to avoid the rock, and therefore kill everyone. Can you imagine how unfun drowning will be?” (which I would expect to lead to more rationalizations/avoidance), I’d focus on helping them be comfortable. More “Yeah, it’s super unfun for things to be Not Okay, and I can’t blame you for not wanting to do it more than necessary”/”Yes, it’s super important to be able to be able to regulate one’s own level of Okayness, since being an emotional wreck often makes things worse, and it’s good that you don’t fail in that way”.
Of course, you don’t want to just make them comfortable staying in Okay Mode because then there’s no motivation to switch, so when there’s a little more room to introduce unpleasant ideas without causing folding you can place a little more emphasis on “it’s good that you fail in that way”, and how completely avoiding stress isn’t ideal or consequence free either.
It’s a bit of a balancing act, and more easily said than done. You have to be able to pull off sincerity when you reassure them that you get where they’re coming from and that it’s actually better than doing the thing they fear their option is, and without “Not Okaying” at them by pushing them “It’s Not Okay that you feel Okay!”. It’s a lot easier when you can be Okay that they’re in Okay mode because they’re Not Okay with being Not Okay, partially just because externalizing ones alarms as a flinch is rarely the most helpful way of doing things. But also because if you’re Okay you can “go first” and give them a proof of concept and reference example for what it looks like to stare at the uncomfortable thing (or uncomfortable things in general) and stay in Okay Mode. It helps them know “Hey, this is actually possible”, and feel like you might even be able to help them get closer to it.
Again, I’d just completely disregard their narratives on this one. They’re implying that if you’re Not Okay, then it’s a “you problem”. So what? Make sure they’re wrong and demonstrate it.
“God, it’s just a little fib. Are you okay??”
“Not really. I think honesty about these kinds of things is actually extremely important, and I’m still trying to figure out where I went wrong expecting not to have that happen”
Or
“Yeah, no, I’m fine. I just want to make sure that these people know your history when deciding how much to trust you”.