This resonates. When a group conversation became unexpectedly intimate, I’ve definitely felt that urge to bail—or interfere and bring the conversation back to a normal level of engagement. It feels like an intense discomfort, maybe a sense of “I shouldn’t be here” or “they shouldn’t have to answer that question.”
I think that’s often a good instinct to have. (In this context, where ‘interesting’ seems to mean not just a topic you think is neat, but something like ‘substantive and highly relevant to someone’ or ‘involving querying a person’s deep-held beliefs’, etc. Correct me if I’m wrong.) Where “diplomat mode” might be coming from:
The person starting an intensive conversation might be ‘inflicting’ it on the other person, who can’t gracefully duck out
Both people are well-acquainted and clearly interested in having the conversation, but haven’t considered that they’re in public, and in retrospect would prefer not to have everyone else there
Even if they seem to be fine with me being there, my role is unclear if I’m not well-versed on the issue—am I suppose to ask questions, chime in with uneducated opinions, just listen to them talk?
Relatedly, conversations specific to people’s deeply held interests are likely to require more knowledge to engage with, and thus exclude people from the conversation.
If other people are sharing personal stories or details, I might feel pressure to do that too
Conversations that run closer to what people really care about are more likely to be upsetting, and I don’t want to be upset (or, depending, expect them to want to be upset in front of me)
I expect other people are uncomfortable, for whatever (any of the above) reasons
Most of these seem to apply less in small groups, or groups where everybody knows each other quite well. Attempting diplomat --> engineering shifts in large group seems interesting, but risky if there are near-strangers present, and also like managing or participating in that would take a whole different set of group-based social skills. (IE: Reducing risks from the above, assessing how comfortable everybody is with increased above risks, etc.)
Yep, your listed points are a really good extension of the intuition I sorta had in mind.
In particular, I think there can be a lot of awkwardness when it becomes something that other people might perceive as “not my domain”, e.g. of a philosophical nature, which can lead to an uncertain role (“what do I say now?”, “will they value my opinion?”, etc.)
But the other bullet points you raised are also really, really valid. Thanks for expanding on this!
This resonates. When a group conversation became unexpectedly intimate, I’ve definitely felt that urge to bail—or interfere and bring the conversation back to a normal level of engagement. It feels like an intense discomfort, maybe a sense of “I shouldn’t be here” or “they shouldn’t have to answer that question.”
I think that’s often a good instinct to have. (In this context, where ‘interesting’ seems to mean not just a topic you think is neat, but something like ‘substantive and highly relevant to someone’ or ‘involving querying a person’s deep-held beliefs’, etc. Correct me if I’m wrong.) Where “diplomat mode” might be coming from:
The person starting an intensive conversation might be ‘inflicting’ it on the other person, who can’t gracefully duck out
Both people are well-acquainted and clearly interested in having the conversation, but haven’t considered that they’re in public, and in retrospect would prefer not to have everyone else there
Even if they seem to be fine with me being there, my role is unclear if I’m not well-versed on the issue—am I suppose to ask questions, chime in with uneducated opinions, just listen to them talk?
Relatedly, conversations specific to people’s deeply held interests are likely to require more knowledge to engage with, and thus exclude people from the conversation.
If other people are sharing personal stories or details, I might feel pressure to do that too
Conversations that run closer to what people really care about are more likely to be upsetting, and I don’t want to be upset (or, depending, expect them to want to be upset in front of me)
I expect other people are uncomfortable, for whatever (any of the above) reasons
Most of these seem to apply less in small groups, or groups where everybody knows each other quite well. Attempting diplomat --> engineering shifts in large group seems interesting, but risky if there are near-strangers present, and also like managing or participating in that would take a whole different set of group-based social skills. (IE: Reducing risks from the above, assessing how comfortable everybody is with increased above risks, etc.)
Yep, your listed points are a really good extension of the intuition I sorta had in mind.
In particular, I think there can be a lot of awkwardness when it becomes something that other people might perceive as “not my domain”, e.g. of a philosophical nature, which can lead to an uncertain role (“what do I say now?”, “will they value my opinion?”, etc.)
But the other bullet points you raised are also really, really valid. Thanks for expanding on this!