Thank you for writing this. I’ve been wanting to discuss rationality and relationships for some time now, but my first attempt had several problems with it you seem to have avoided or solved. For example, your intro paragraph disarms (for many people, hopefully) a few objections that my own post did not, for example “I don’t like gooey personal details” and “You sound self-righteous, as though everyone should try to be like you.”
Those who haven’t tried polyamory may be curious to hear my own polyhacking story, told using a structure similar to the one Alicorn used. (Like Alicorn, I’m considering “willingness that one’s sole partner have other partners” to be a “low-key flavor” of polyamory.)
Motivation
I grew up a sexually repressed evangelical Christian, and therefore didn’t date until fairly late (19, I think). My first relationship was traditional and monogamous and a rollercoaster ride of drama. I felt attracted to other potential mates but fought to remain faithful, we both experienced sexual jealousy, I started to feel trapped… you know, the usual.
When the relationship ended I realized that that kind of relationship didn’t suit me. I didn’t like sexual jealousy, I didn’t like being solely responsible for somebody else’s needs, and I didn’t like having a kind of ownership over somebody else’s sex life.
Self-Examination
What did I want that I had originally thought I could only get from monogamy? Pretty much everything: intimate connection, sex, cuddling, protection from STIs, the social status of that comes with not being single, etc. All these, I rather quickly realized, could be had with polyamory. I didn’t want marriage or children, so those weren’t issues. Nor did I care much whether I was somebody’s primary romantic interest or whether I could get attention on demand.
Perks
For me, some perks of polyamory are:
I don’t have to constantly smother my attraction to many, many women.
I don’t feel trapped by a relationship.
I don’t need to be responsible for meeting all of a partner’s needs for sex and intimacy. If she likes things I don’t like, she can do those things with other partners.
I don’t need to invest as much time in a relationship as would be expected in most monogamous relationships.
Every relationship starts off with the assumption that it will need to be customized, and thus a lot of direct, open communication occurs right at the beginning.
Modifcation
Really, the only thing I had to modify was my evolutionarily-programmed sexual jealousy. This turned out to be easier than I expected.
When somebody I was attracted to slept with someone else or kissed them in front of me or whatever, I tried to feel happy for them. This was easy to do, but it didn’t actually remove my feeling of sexual jealousy.
What turned out to be most effective for me was a different technique: I trained myself to think of Sexually Jealous Guy as being Not In Agreement With My Values and Not As Admirably Progressive As My Ideal Self and Not Exhibiting As Much Self Control As My Ideal Self. I developed a kind of moral indignation around the idea that I could be sexually jealous. And, as I recall, it only took a couple weeks for my sexual jealousy to fade.
Success
My sexual jealousy is so thoroughly extinguished that I am forgetting what it is like to feel it.
I’ve seen my current primary partner kiss another partner of hers in front of me many times, and I haven’t felt a twinge of jealousy. My primary’s two other current major partners are good friends of mine; the four of us have traveled together, slept in a hotel room together, and eaten dinner together. I’ve kissed my primary goodnight so she can sleep with someone else for the night, and I’m friends with a few others with whom she has chosen to intimately connect. My primary has some preferences I don’t share, so she has explored those things with others. And at no time during all this have I felt any sexual jealousy. It feels great to be able to fully support my primary in whichever connections and experiences she wants to have.
Meanwhile, I haven’t contracted any STIs, I pursue other women at my leisure, I don’t feel trapped, I don’t need to fulfill all my primary’s needs, and that relationship is highly customized to my (and her) preferences.
Oh, and like Eliezer I feel “vaguely guilty about not being bisexual, since immortal superbeings clearly would be.” I tried to hack that once, it didn’t work, it’s not a priority, it has much higher costs than polyhacking, and I’m not pursuing it.
Upvoted since I feel this post significantly improves several aspects of your previous post including sounding less self-righteous. It also benefits from mentioning the idea of polyamory earlier and going into more details about it. I read a single article on polyamory four or five years ago and didn’t really see it mentioned much at all again until I visited this site. A lot of people will have no idea what this is, and some might confuse the word with polygamy.
Thank you for writing this. I’ve been wanting to discuss rationality and relationships for some time now, but my first attempt had several problems with it you seem to have avoided or solved. For example, your intro paragraph disarms (for many people, hopefully) a few objections that my own post did not, for example “I don’t like gooey personal details” and “You sound self-righteous, as though everyone should try to be like you.”
Those who haven’t tried polyamory may be curious to hear my own polyhacking story, told using a structure similar to the one Alicorn used. (Like Alicorn, I’m considering “willingness that one’s sole partner have other partners” to be a “low-key flavor” of polyamory.)
Motivation
I grew up a sexually repressed evangelical Christian, and therefore didn’t date until fairly late (19, I think). My first relationship was traditional and monogamous and a rollercoaster ride of drama. I felt attracted to other potential mates but fought to remain faithful, we both experienced sexual jealousy, I started to feel trapped… you know, the usual.
When the relationship ended I realized that that kind of relationship didn’t suit me. I didn’t like sexual jealousy, I didn’t like being solely responsible for somebody else’s needs, and I didn’t like having a kind of ownership over somebody else’s sex life.
Self-Examination
What did I want that I had originally thought I could only get from monogamy? Pretty much everything: intimate connection, sex, cuddling, protection from STIs, the social status of that comes with not being single, etc. All these, I rather quickly realized, could be had with polyamory. I didn’t want marriage or children, so those weren’t issues. Nor did I care much whether I was somebody’s primary romantic interest or whether I could get attention on demand.
Perks
For me, some perks of polyamory are:
I don’t have to constantly smother my attraction to many, many women.
I don’t feel trapped by a relationship.
I don’t need to be responsible for meeting all of a partner’s needs for sex and intimacy. If she likes things I don’t like, she can do those things with other partners.
I don’t need to invest as much time in a relationship as would be expected in most monogamous relationships.
Every relationship starts off with the assumption that it will need to be customized, and thus a lot of direct, open communication occurs right at the beginning.
Modifcation
Really, the only thing I had to modify was my evolutionarily-programmed sexual jealousy. This turned out to be easier than I expected.
When somebody I was attracted to slept with someone else or kissed them in front of me or whatever, I tried to feel happy for them. This was easy to do, but it didn’t actually remove my feeling of sexual jealousy.
What turned out to be most effective for me was a different technique: I trained myself to think of Sexually Jealous Guy as being Not In Agreement With My Values and Not As Admirably Progressive As My Ideal Self and Not Exhibiting As Much Self Control As My Ideal Self. I developed a kind of moral indignation around the idea that I could be sexually jealous. And, as I recall, it only took a couple weeks for my sexual jealousy to fade.
Success
My sexual jealousy is so thoroughly extinguished that I am forgetting what it is like to feel it.
I’ve seen my current primary partner kiss another partner of hers in front of me many times, and I haven’t felt a twinge of jealousy. My primary’s two other current major partners are good friends of mine; the four of us have traveled together, slept in a hotel room together, and eaten dinner together. I’ve kissed my primary goodnight so she can sleep with someone else for the night, and I’m friends with a few others with whom she has chosen to intimately connect. My primary has some preferences I don’t share, so she has explored those things with others. And at no time during all this have I felt any sexual jealousy. It feels great to be able to fully support my primary in whichever connections and experiences she wants to have.
Meanwhile, I haven’t contracted any STIs, I pursue other women at my leisure, I don’t feel trapped, I don’t need to fulfill all my primary’s needs, and that relationship is highly customized to my (and her) preferences.
Oh, and like Eliezer I feel “vaguely guilty about not being bisexual, since immortal superbeings clearly would be.” I tried to hack that once, it didn’t work, it’s not a priority, it has much higher costs than polyhacking, and I’m not pursuing it.
Upvoted since I feel this post significantly improves several aspects of your previous post including sounding less self-righteous. It also benefits from mentioning the idea of polyamory earlier and going into more details about it. I read a single article on polyamory four or five years ago and didn’t really see it mentioned much at all again until I visited this site. A lot of people will have no idea what this is, and some might confuse the word with polygamy.
I still sometimes confuse the word. Just never the concept.