This post is magnificent. So much candid introspection on an area most people are very private about, and so much clear analysis instead of just going with emotions/aesthetics/cultural preferences. Wow.
On this -
When one is monogamous, one can only date monogamous people. When one is poly, one can only date poly people. … 1I’m counting willingness that one’s sole partner have other partners (e.g. being an arm of a V) to be a low-key flavor of being poly oneself, not a variety of tolerant monogamy. I think this is the more reasonable way to divide things up given a two-way division, but if you feel that I mischaracterize the highly simplified taxonomy, do tell.
I could weigh in on this. It’s worth looking at the word normative -
“Normative standards” basically mean whatever is the baseline for comparison. So the taxonomy you set up is “21st century Western-style monogamy” vs. “not 21st century Western-style monogamy”—and by 21st century Western-style monogamy, I mean a single partner, choosing relationships individually through social exploration, choosing long term partners on the basis primarily of emotion rather than purely pragmatic concerns (the pragmatic concerns become more of a baseline filter, as opposed to the whole consideration) - etc, etc.
There’s other things that move outside the taxonomy you set up. 18th century American monogamy, for instance, was highly pragmatic and about specialization of labor. George and Martha Washington often advised younger friends, colleagues, young army officers, and the daughters of their friends to marry purely “checklist style”—good character, good family person, solid income or housekeeping skills, good family, etc. Love/lust/affection came last on the checklist, if at all.
I mention that, because it’s kind of subtly buried in the post the assumption that 21st century Western-style monogamy is the normative standard. Maybe not. Maybe 18th century American monogamy would be recognizable in the taxonomy as “monogamy”—but there are things outside of it.
Going a little further, “polyamory”—from my limited understanding—conveys “-amory”—love, emotion, etc. - not, say, a purely pragmatic arrangement of having multiple partners to the end of some objective. Tokugawa Ieyasu unified Japan and his family ruled the island 250 years. He had 19 wives and concubines. The historical record isn’t completely accurate, but one gets the impression that he had serious genuine affectionate with 3-4 of his wives in his life, and the rest were political arrangements or for having children and paternity.
You could say Tokugawa 19 wives/concubines (who almost certainly would have been exclusive to him under serious penalty if caught doing otherwise) were “a low-key flavor of being poly oneself, not a variety of tolerant monogamy”—but I think that looks at the 21st century Western-style monogamy as the normative standard, notes that Tokugawa’s wives don’t fall into the cateogry, and puts them in the poly category. But that doesn’t seem quite right...
I agree that there’s “monogamy” and “everything else” in Western culture right now, but it hasn’t always been the case, might not always be the case, and I don’t think polyamory is the only alternative to monogamy. One dichotomy worth looking at is whether partners are picked more coldly and dispassionately, or with warmth and affection and emotion. Both polyamory and 21st C Western-style monogamy both tend to assume the emotional connection there, which I get the impression actually still isn’t the case everywhere in the world, like Africa or the Middle East, and times might be changing elsewhere in the world. In fact, I’d strongly suspect that there will be a trend towards more Tokugawa-style dispassionate choosing of non-monogamous partners for political, economic, and hereditary reasons going forwards. It still will be a small minority of the population, but probably a larger small minority than now. And it probably doesn’t make sense to add that in with any “-amory” grouping, being that those arrangements are chosen not for the warmth and connection, but for other reasons.
In fact, I’d strongly suspect that there will be a trend towards more Tokugawa-style dispassionate choosing of non-monogamous partners for political, economic, and hereditary reasons going forwards. It still will be a small minority of the population, but probably a larger small minority than now. And it probably doesn’t make sense to add that in with any “-amory” grouping, being that those arrangements are chosen not for the warmth and connection, but for other reasons.
This was rather surprising for me to read, since after some thought I realized that I may be pretty close to this style, since I use some of the criteria you mentioned for screening and am not currently monogamous.
I find your speculation intriguing. I could imagine strategies like that becoming more widespread due to different tactics people will use to deal with the sexual marketplace. Greater knowledge of heredity, and perhaps even its acceptance, will mean that those hoping for upward social mobility will need to think long and hard about the lifestyle and mates that will be best for achieving their goals. Also I expect that some strategies will gain simply because children will tend to emulate parents, but in which way this will be working will depend on their fertility.
This post is magnificent. So much candid introspection on an area most people are very private about, and so much clear analysis instead of just going with emotions/aesthetics/cultural preferences. Wow.
On this -
I could weigh in on this. It’s worth looking at the word normative -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normative
“Normative standards” basically mean whatever is the baseline for comparison. So the taxonomy you set up is “21st century Western-style monogamy” vs. “not 21st century Western-style monogamy”—and by 21st century Western-style monogamy, I mean a single partner, choosing relationships individually through social exploration, choosing long term partners on the basis primarily of emotion rather than purely pragmatic concerns (the pragmatic concerns become more of a baseline filter, as opposed to the whole consideration) - etc, etc.
There’s other things that move outside the taxonomy you set up. 18th century American monogamy, for instance, was highly pragmatic and about specialization of labor. George and Martha Washington often advised younger friends, colleagues, young army officers, and the daughters of their friends to marry purely “checklist style”—good character, good family person, solid income or housekeeping skills, good family, etc. Love/lust/affection came last on the checklist, if at all.
I mention that, because it’s kind of subtly buried in the post the assumption that 21st century Western-style monogamy is the normative standard. Maybe not. Maybe 18th century American monogamy would be recognizable in the taxonomy as “monogamy”—but there are things outside of it.
Going a little further, “polyamory”—from my limited understanding—conveys “-amory”—love, emotion, etc. - not, say, a purely pragmatic arrangement of having multiple partners to the end of some objective. Tokugawa Ieyasu unified Japan and his family ruled the island 250 years. He had 19 wives and concubines. The historical record isn’t completely accurate, but one gets the impression that he had serious genuine affectionate with 3-4 of his wives in his life, and the rest were political arrangements or for having children and paternity.
You could say Tokugawa 19 wives/concubines (who almost certainly would have been exclusive to him under serious penalty if caught doing otherwise) were “a low-key flavor of being poly oneself, not a variety of tolerant monogamy”—but I think that looks at the 21st century Western-style monogamy as the normative standard, notes that Tokugawa’s wives don’t fall into the cateogry, and puts them in the poly category. But that doesn’t seem quite right...
I agree that there’s “monogamy” and “everything else” in Western culture right now, but it hasn’t always been the case, might not always be the case, and I don’t think polyamory is the only alternative to monogamy. One dichotomy worth looking at is whether partners are picked more coldly and dispassionately, or with warmth and affection and emotion. Both polyamory and 21st C Western-style monogamy both tend to assume the emotional connection there, which I get the impression actually still isn’t the case everywhere in the world, like Africa or the Middle East, and times might be changing elsewhere in the world. In fact, I’d strongly suspect that there will be a trend towards more Tokugawa-style dispassionate choosing of non-monogamous partners for political, economic, and hereditary reasons going forwards. It still will be a small minority of the population, but probably a larger small minority than now. And it probably doesn’t make sense to add that in with any “-amory” grouping, being that those arrangements are chosen not for the warmth and connection, but for other reasons.
This was rather surprising for me to read, since after some thought I realized that I may be pretty close to this style, since I use some of the criteria you mentioned for screening and am not currently monogamous.
I find your speculation intriguing. I could imagine strategies like that becoming more widespread due to different tactics people will use to deal with the sexual marketplace. Greater knowledge of heredity, and perhaps even its acceptance, will mean that those hoping for upward social mobility will need to think long and hard about the lifestyle and mates that will be best for achieving their goals. Also I expect that some strategies will gain simply because children will tend to emulate parents, but in which way this will be working will depend on their fertility.