A better protocol might be “use the pronoun you most expect is someone’s preferred pronoun”. It at least seems simpler and more usable in practice.
I think the protocol I actually use is something like: “use the pronoun with the highest expected their-utility”, which is why I use “they” when I know literally nothing else about someone, and not “he” because there are slightly more men than women. (Hardly anyone objects to being referred to with “they” in this context, even if they would otherwise object to using “they” when you knew more about them.)
With respect, that sounds horribly inefficient unless you’re applying “standard caveats” to that. Maybe the world I move in is different enough from yours to make this not true, but there are many times when the goal <create understanding> is at odds with the goal <get value from this interaction>, and I can often get to the latter easier by following expected social conventions.
I’m not sure, I have a hard time thinking of a concrete example where the two are in conflict.
To try one: if someone was talking about how excellent their product was gonna be and implicitly inviting me to vibe with them on that, I think to have an “enjoyable” interaction I used to vibe with them on it and say things I didn’t believe. Nowadays I might vibe with them but instead I’m much more likely to say orthogonal things like “it’s great that you have something you’re excited about” or “good luck with that” or ask for detail on how they came to believe it would sell, and if they push me to say something I’ll feel little compunction in saying “for the record I currently don’t know anyone who will use your product”. I’ll even do this if I want something from the other person like an invite to a party or whatever, if that’s what you mean by “value from an interaction”. I’ve shifted toward staying in reality over getting valuable things out of people or locally vibing with them (although I still like both of those!).
A better protocol might be “use the pronoun you most expect is someone’s preferred pronoun”. It at least seems simpler and more usable in practice.
I think the protocol I actually use is something like: “use the pronoun with the highest expected their-utility”, which is why I use “they” when I know literally nothing else about someone, and not “he” because there are slightly more men than women. (Hardly anyone objects to being referred to with “they” in this context, even if they would otherwise object to using “they” when you knew more about them.)
My standard language protocol is “say the thing most people will understand”, and is very rarely “say things about person X that person X will like”.
With respect, that sounds horribly inefficient unless you’re applying “standard caveats” to that. Maybe the world I move in is different enough from yours to make this not true, but there are many times when the goal <create understanding> is at odds with the goal <get value from this interaction>, and I can often get to the latter easier by following expected social conventions.
I’m not sure, I have a hard time thinking of a concrete example where the two are in conflict.
To try one: if someone was talking about how excellent their product was gonna be and implicitly inviting me to vibe with them on that, I think to have an “enjoyable” interaction I used to vibe with them on it and say things I didn’t believe. Nowadays I might vibe with them but instead I’m much more likely to say orthogonal things like “it’s great that you have something you’re excited about” or “good luck with that” or ask for detail on how they came to believe it would sell, and if they push me to say something I’ll feel little compunction in saying “for the record I currently don’t know anyone who will use your product”. I’ll even do this if I want something from the other person like an invite to a party or whatever, if that’s what you mean by “value from an interaction”. I’ve shifted toward staying in reality over getting valuable things out of people or locally vibing with them (although I still like both of those!).