I’m sure answers will vary here, but maybe my datapoint can help you cobble together a fuller picture.
First, the unpleasant reality is that I care about looks way more than is fair or even helpful to me. If I could lower my own weight on that or especially lower my standards and actually find more women attractive, I would pay a decent sum for that. Looks unfortunately subtly influence perception of other qualities. I’ve had to contend with the fact that my revealed preferences for who I was helping/showing compassion to suggested that being a small female was the largest predictor, despite my own perception that I was doing it out of purely platonic altruism. Any time that looks are being experienced, like a smell in the air, it is a constant + or—to other experiences. For some, unexplained reason, attractive people’s jokes feel funnier and their quirks are less annoying. Not fair, but it is what it is.
So that’s the bad news. The good news? Personality/relationship actually influences looks! Women often know this about themselves, but it was a surprise for me to realize that my perception of physical attractiveness was changed by my emotions toward a person. It took me literally not recognizing my ex in a photo due to the sharp change in attractiveness to realize that this was happening and changing my perceptions of reality on a subconscious level. I’ve never had it make someone skinny look obese or vice versa, but all the less quantifiable features of attractiveness are subject to this effect for me.
So, what are the traits that attract me? Well, I don’t have the ability to inspect my subconscious directly, but from my revealed preferences and stimulus-response patterns I have some ideas: 1. Gentleness. This could be kindness, softness, compassion, but it all translates into the same thing for me—psychological safety. As a man I’m not supposed to need safety in a relationship, but I guess I do. It doesn’t just affect how much I want to open up to a woman but also how much I want to sleep with her. Despite my idea that I only care about the physical for sex, I am much more interested in sex where I expect that whatever I do will be great than where I expect criticism. 2. Positivity—The previous point started to bleed into this one because this also gives psychological safety, but it deserves its own mention. Being happy, easily pleased, easily impressed, friendly, excited, etc are all important, while complaining, nitpicking, nagging, and criticizing are all turn-offs. In general, if I associate her with positive, I feel positively toward her. 3. Rationality—Genpop may not care, but I imagine many LW readers do. Especially in context of a committed relationship, the most important question on my mind is “will this person poke holes in their own boat?”. I need someone who I can have a win-win relationship with and who will not persist in behavior that is producing harmful results. Of the features I evaluate consciously/analytically, this may be the top. 4. Moral—This one covers the same types of things as rational, and prohibits harmful behaviors. It’s not full overlap though—a rational amoral person may harm me if it will benefit them, and a moral irrational person may harm me when it benefits no one. Especially important moral traits are: trustworthy (relationships are based on trust) and cares about me (aka my wellbeing has weight in their utility function). 5. Enjoying me—After one relationship I found myself dissatisfied in the next in a particular area. I said I wanted “appreciation” and I got thanks for acts of service, which wasn’t quite it. So I said I wanted “admiration” and I got analysis of my strengths, which also didn’t scratch the itch. I finally landed on “enjoying me being me”. Closely related is “seeing the best in me”. I want someone who is delighted when I do the things that are most me. Who loves that I make a spreadsheet for restaurants or automate grocery orders. Who loves to hear tales of me doing what I do or sit and watch me the way you watch cool videos of people doing impressive things on youtube—not to grade them, but because it is enjoyable to see. And I want someone who sees the best in me. I am not a fixed quantity, but a range, and I live up or down to what someone sees. I have two brothers. One told me I was great at giving compliments. That brother gets a lot more compliments now. Not intentionally, it just feels like a “me” thing to do around him. 6. Can communicate easily—Communication should feel like an enjoyable flow of ideas, not pulling teeth. Reaching a consensus should be easy too. Whether I convince her or she convinces me doesn’t matter so long as we’re actually convinced and on the same page.
There are other things I look for, but this feels like a natural significance threshold to stop at. To recap: Unconscious: Looks, positive and kind, enjoys me and sees the best in me Conscious: Rational and moral, communicates well.
I put these in rough order of importance. I would assign weights to each, except that the weighting system isn’t linear, being acceptable in every category is better than extraordinary in one, and I suspect there are difficult-to-quantify interaction terms.
I’m sure answers will vary here, but maybe my datapoint can help you cobble together a fuller picture.
First, the unpleasant reality is that I care about looks way more than is fair or even helpful to me. If I could lower my own weight on that or especially lower my standards and actually find more women attractive, I would pay a decent sum for that. Looks unfortunately subtly influence perception of other qualities. I’ve had to contend with the fact that my revealed preferences for who I was helping/showing compassion to suggested that being a small female was the largest predictor, despite my own perception that I was doing it out of purely platonic altruism. Any time that looks are being experienced, like a smell in the air, it is a constant + or—to other experiences. For some, unexplained reason, attractive people’s jokes feel funnier and their quirks are less annoying. Not fair, but it is what it is.
So that’s the bad news. The good news? Personality/relationship actually influences looks! Women often know this about themselves, but it was a surprise for me to realize that my perception of physical attractiveness was changed by my emotions toward a person. It took me literally not recognizing my ex in a photo due to the sharp change in attractiveness to realize that this was happening and changing my perceptions of reality on a subconscious level. I’ve never had it make someone skinny look obese or vice versa, but all the less quantifiable features of attractiveness are subject to this effect for me.
So, what are the traits that attract me? Well, I don’t have the ability to inspect my subconscious directly, but from my revealed preferences and stimulus-response patterns I have some ideas:
1. Gentleness. This could be kindness, softness, compassion, but it all translates into the same thing for me—psychological safety. As a man I’m not supposed to need safety in a relationship, but I guess I do. It doesn’t just affect how much I want to open up to a woman but also how much I want to sleep with her. Despite my idea that I only care about the physical for sex, I am much more interested in sex where I expect that whatever I do will be great than where I expect criticism.
2. Positivity—The previous point started to bleed into this one because this also gives psychological safety, but it deserves its own mention. Being happy, easily pleased, easily impressed, friendly, excited, etc are all important, while complaining, nitpicking, nagging, and criticizing are all turn-offs. In general, if I associate her with positive, I feel positively toward her.
3. Rationality—Genpop may not care, but I imagine many LW readers do. Especially in context of a committed relationship, the most important question on my mind is “will this person poke holes in their own boat?”. I need someone who I can have a win-win relationship with and who will not persist in behavior that is producing harmful results. Of the features I evaluate consciously/analytically, this may be the top.
4. Moral—This one covers the same types of things as rational, and prohibits harmful behaviors. It’s not full overlap though—a rational amoral person may harm me if it will benefit them, and a moral irrational person may harm me when it benefits no one. Especially important moral traits are: trustworthy (relationships are based on trust) and cares about me (aka my wellbeing has weight in their utility function).
5. Enjoying me—After one relationship I found myself dissatisfied in the next in a particular area. I said I wanted “appreciation” and I got thanks for acts of service, which wasn’t quite it. So I said I wanted “admiration” and I got analysis of my strengths, which also didn’t scratch the itch. I finally landed on “enjoying me being me”. Closely related is “seeing the best in me”. I want someone who is delighted when I do the things that are most me. Who loves that I make a spreadsheet for restaurants or automate grocery orders. Who loves to hear tales of me doing what I do or sit and watch me the way you watch cool videos of people doing impressive things on youtube—not to grade them, but because it is enjoyable to see. And I want someone who sees the best in me. I am not a fixed quantity, but a range, and I live up or down to what someone sees. I have two brothers. One told me I was great at giving compliments. That brother gets a lot more compliments now. Not intentionally, it just feels like a “me” thing to do around him.
6. Can communicate easily—Communication should feel like an enjoyable flow of ideas, not pulling teeth. Reaching a consensus should be easy too. Whether I convince her or she convinces me doesn’t matter so long as we’re actually convinced and on the same page.
There are other things I look for, but this feels like a natural significance threshold to stop at. To recap:
Unconscious: Looks, positive and kind, enjoys me and sees the best in me
Conscious: Rational and moral, communicates well.
I put these in rough order of importance. I would assign weights to each, except that the weighting system isn’t linear, being acceptable in every category is better than extraordinary in one, and I suspect there are difficult-to-quantify interaction terms.