I told him about the angel on the train, how he was beautiful even as he died.
^When I got to this line in the story, I noticed I was confused. I had already forgotten that you had described the absorbed man as “angelic”. I didn’t make the connection when you then later mentioned an “angel”. I had to Ctrl + F to find a previous mention. Angelic is an adjective describing the man, whereas angel is an entirely new noun (in my head).
Besides that, you also wrote “on the train”, but there’s no mention of a train previously.
You’re an excellent writer and I’ve loved reading your fiction. I thought that I would mention, for the sake of feedback, that these two things took me out of the story enough to come write this comment.
^When I got to this line in the story, I noticed I was confused. I had already forgotten that you had described the absorbed man as “angelic”. I didn’t make the connection when you then later mentioned an “angel”. I had to Ctrl + F to find a previous mention. Angelic is an adjective describing the man, whereas angel is an entirely new noun (in my head).
Besides that, you also wrote “on the train”, but there’s no mention of a train previously.
You’re an excellent writer and I’ve loved reading your fiction. I thought that I would mention, for the sake of feedback, that these two things took me out of the story enough to come write this comment.
should be fixed now, thx
15 minutes later, I finished the story. Jesus. You’re getting really good. I was gripped until the very end.
If there was one amazing line that stood out among the rest, it was this: