1) I don’t know what kind of meditation you did, but for me, inner work and meditation tend to unlock more capacity for love. I can clearly see that I’d feel less pain if one of my closest friends left or died—and yet, I love them more than ever, with fewer contractions of insecurity or clinging, less of that sense that they’re the only thing standing between me and the abyss. That kind of love just feels better to me.
2) I love that you acknowledge feeling bad is okay. But one reads in III that you are still striving to not feel bad by considering stuff not going your way as a problem. I think, you’re walking along the same path as the Pali Canon, except solving your problems in an external way. Letting your inner desires out is undeniably great, at any rate, so I support not actively repressing your agentic side.
3) Where I’d also push back is on the assumption that feeling less bad when things go wrong would necessarily make you apathetic. My experience has been the opposite: intrinsic motivation works better for me, and Nate Soares makes a similar case somewhere in Replacing Guilt—that caring from a place other than guilt or pain can actually be more sustainable and energizing.
I had a conversation in Washington DC with a Tibetan monk who was an assistant of the Dalai Lama, and I asked him directly if love was also an attachment that should be let go of, and he said yes.
As to (1), I was following The Mind Illuminated, for what it’s worth. And I am a big fan of emotional integration. Spiritual practices can help with that, but I think they can also get in the way, and it’s really hard to know in advance which direction you’re going.
I think we are basically on the same page with (2).
As for (3) I think it’s a matter of degree, requiring the kind of nuance that doesn’t fit on a bumper sticker. If you feel so much persistent guilt that it’s causing daily suffering, then that’s probably something you need to sort out. I was intentional in adding the phrase “for a bit” in “It’s okay to feel bad for a bit,” because I don’t actually think it’s okay to feel persistently bad forever! Those are definitely two different situations. If you have ongoing intrusive negative emotions, that sounds adjacent to trauma, and that can be sorted out with some work.
I think we still misunderstood each other on (3) - I was pushing back only on the part saying “some amount of negative feelings create a positive feedback loop making you more agentic”. I’m saying, less negative feelings, more intrinsic motivation, by any amount, is, up to sacrificing impact for personal happiness, always better.
1) I don’t know what kind of meditation you did, but for me, inner work and meditation tend to unlock more capacity for love. I can clearly see that I’d feel less pain if one of my closest friends left or died—and yet, I love them more than ever, with fewer contractions of insecurity or clinging, less of that sense that they’re the only thing standing between me and the abyss. That kind of love just feels better to me.
2) I love that you acknowledge feeling bad is okay. But one reads in III that you are still striving to not feel bad by considering stuff not going your way as a problem. I think, you’re walking along the same path as the Pali Canon, except solving your problems in an external way. Letting your inner desires out is undeniably great, at any rate, so I support not actively repressing your agentic side.
3) Where I’d also push back is on the assumption that feeling less bad when things go wrong would necessarily make you apathetic. My experience has been the opposite: intrinsic motivation works better for me, and Nate Soares makes a similar case somewhere in Replacing Guilt—that caring from a place other than guilt or pain can actually be more sustainable and energizing.
I had a conversation in Washington DC with a Tibetan monk who was an assistant of the Dalai Lama, and I asked him directly if love was also an attachment that should be let go of, and he said yes.
There is “normal” love (with attachment)
There is higher (Christian / lovingkindness—like) love.
How is that mutually exclusive with (1)?
As to (1), I was following The Mind Illuminated, for what it’s worth. And I am a big fan of emotional integration. Spiritual practices can help with that, but I think they can also get in the way, and it’s really hard to know in advance which direction you’re going.
I think we are basically on the same page with (2).
As for (3) I think it’s a matter of degree, requiring the kind of nuance that doesn’t fit on a bumper sticker. If you feel so much persistent guilt that it’s causing daily suffering, then that’s probably something you need to sort out. I was intentional in adding the phrase “for a bit” in “It’s okay to feel bad for a bit,” because I don’t actually think it’s okay to feel persistently bad forever! Those are definitely two different situations. If you have ongoing intrusive negative emotions, that sounds adjacent to trauma, and that can be sorted out with some work.
I think we still misunderstood each other on (3) - I was pushing back only on the part saying “some amount of negative feelings create a positive feedback loop making you more agentic”. I’m saying, less negative feelings, more intrinsic motivation, by any amount, is, up to sacrificing impact for personal happiness, always better.