luminosity comments on Write It Like A Poem

[luminosity]

I don’t want to be excessively rude, but I can’t think of a delicate way to say this. For a piece extolling the virtues of poetic prose, this is poorly written. Your metaphors feel out of place, and forced. The breaks in spacing throughout the piece don’t seem to serve to emphasise anything important, and are distracting.

[[deleted]]

I disagree. There is a certain ‘tempo’ to the piece. I feel that’s one of the more important components to the likeability of a thing to me. I don’t mean in the sense of how snappy it is, but rather how much I feel it aligns with what I understand at the time and the rate of my mental processing.

Anyway I’m going to try write a rap poem:

I’ve got abuse on my mind//​ I can’t let it get me down//​ if I forget to look after myself//​ this smile will turn into a frown//​ don’t wanna wear psychiatric hospital gowns//​ don’t wanna be the loud and violent clown//​ down wanna compulsively get down//​ or get turned down cause i’m brown//​ labelled with all kinds of nouns//​ let these flows astound//​ plant the seeds of happiness in the ground//​ ya see these mounds?//​ i’ll be out in top soon enough//​ you won’t be seeing me around you negative hounds//​

[Strange7]

You’re completely right.

I know it’s possible for me to write well, based on various past examples, I just haven’t figured out how to do so reliably.