I had a bad relationship with my mother, and it was very important for me to fully realize that it was her problem, not mine. Outside view: I can have good relationships with other people; she can’t. It seems so obvious now, but it was difficult to realize while at home. Moving away from home helped me a lot; and now when I come for visit, I make sure I never stay more than a few hours at a time, once in a few weeks.
For her, the solution is to start anew, with a blank space. I can’t do that; I spent my adolescence being hit by her and apologising to her for whatever she deemed my fault on a given day.
I could have written the same thing. And for a long time I have blamed myself for my inability to also start anew and pretend that nothing happened. Because everyone keeps telling me that forgiving people is important, not only for some religious reasons but also for your mental health, etc. (Also, admitting that I have this problem lowers my status.) But there is less advice about how specifically to do it, especially if almost anything that person does is triggering to you. It is supposed to just somehow magically happen, by making the right far-mode decision. And if you can’t do that, that’s probably your fault, too.
My solution was to reduce contact to a “plausibly deniable” level, where I don’t have to openly admit that I am avoiding contact on purpose, and I can pretend that I am just too busy to visit more often. This reduces unnecessary drama, because the drama would again make me uncertain whether I am doing the right thing. And actually the visits are not so unplesant now, because I just try to remain polite, pretend that everything is okay, avoid anything emotional, and then leave.
It was difficult to accept, but I think the correct way is simply to not expect anything from my mother. No understanding, no apology, nothing at all. Anything I would expect from her would be just another thing she could hurt me by not doing it. Why would I create such opportunities? We can have a short polite conversation instead, I feel I have fulfilled my social duty, and then I go home. This is all I can realistically hope for; I am succeeding at it; mission accomplished. My real life, including all my emotional life, is somewhere else; that is where I should focus my thoughts and actions.
Put it into perspective. There are seven billion people on this planet. Stop wasting your time and attention on those few who have hurt you. There is nothing inherently special about them. They had their chance, they wasted it. Meet new people, make new friends. One important thing about being human is the ability to overcome familial bonds and find new allies. (And the more civilized societies seem better at this than the less civilized ones.)
In a way I have been doing the same past 10 years, but only superficially. I treated my withdrawing from any emotional contact as a shielding technique, not as the only way we can have any kind of social interaction without me being in very low mood the next day.
So more or less you have already found the correct solution (it’s not that difficult, if you make different experiments and observe the results), you just blame yourself for not being able to find even better solution which would magically make everything great.
The next step is to stop blaming yourself for not doing the impossible.
I had a bad relationship with my mother, and it was very important for me to fully realize that it was her problem, not mine. Outside view: I can have good relationships with other people; she can’t. It seems so obvious now, but it was difficult to realize while at home. Moving away from home helped me a lot; and now when I come for visit, I make sure I never stay more than a few hours at a time, once in a few weeks.
I could have written the same thing. And for a long time I have blamed myself for my inability to also start anew and pretend that nothing happened. Because everyone keeps telling me that forgiving people is important, not only for some religious reasons but also for your mental health, etc. (Also, admitting that I have this problem lowers my status.) But there is less advice about how specifically to do it, especially if almost anything that person does is triggering to you. It is supposed to just somehow magically happen, by making the right far-mode decision. And if you can’t do that, that’s probably your fault, too.
My solution was to reduce contact to a “plausibly deniable” level, where I don’t have to openly admit that I am avoiding contact on purpose, and I can pretend that I am just too busy to visit more often. This reduces unnecessary drama, because the drama would again make me uncertain whether I am doing the right thing. And actually the visits are not so unplesant now, because I just try to remain polite, pretend that everything is okay, avoid anything emotional, and then leave.
It was difficult to accept, but I think the correct way is simply to not expect anything from my mother. No understanding, no apology, nothing at all. Anything I would expect from her would be just another thing she could hurt me by not doing it. Why would I create such opportunities? We can have a short polite conversation instead, I feel I have fulfilled my social duty, and then I go home. This is all I can realistically hope for; I am succeeding at it; mission accomplished. My real life, including all my emotional life, is somewhere else; that is where I should focus my thoughts and actions.
Put it into perspective. There are seven billion people on this planet. Stop wasting your time and attention on those few who have hurt you. There is nothing inherently special about them. They had their chance, they wasted it. Meet new people, make new friends. One important thing about being human is the ability to overcome familial bonds and find new allies. (And the more civilized societies seem better at this than the less civilized ones.)
In a way I have been doing the same past 10 years, but only superficially. I treated my withdrawing from any emotional contact as a shielding technique, not as the only way we can have any kind of social interaction without me being in very low mood the next day.
So more or less you have already found the correct solution (it’s not that difficult, if you make different experiments and observe the results), you just blame yourself for not being able to find even better solution which would magically make everything great.
The next step is to stop blaming yourself for not doing the impossible.